I know this sounds like such a minor thing to have such conflicting feelings about, but it's really just tearing me up. On one hand, the feeling of relief I get when I think about not going is incredible. All these years of awkward, contentious, uncomfortable school and extra-curricular activities that we have attended ALL of....we're talking sometimes seven to fifteen events a month!! BM rarely showed up, but when she did, SD would have a panic attack of epic proportions. She would be literally frozen with fear over which parent to look at, who to say hello and goodbye to first, whether she would get in trouble for giving me a hug, or a smile, or a wave....BM has tied this kid's insides into a knot that will take years of therapy to untangle. SD literally does not breathe when BM, DH, and I are in the same vicinity. BM will not hesitate for a second if she feels the need to make a scene.

Last year at SD's powderpuff football game, DH and I attended with our two DD's. This was the first time that BM had ever seen our new baby, and DD was about eleven months old. BM came over to where we were already seated, and sat directly across from us....with at least HALF of the stadium's seats open. "Marking her territory", so to speak, without actually pissing on anything. We ignored her the entire time. She stared at us the entire time. I was so uncomfortable. DH and I ended up striking up a conversation with a woman in front of us that had a small dog. The dog was super cute, and every time it would wag it's tail or try to lick, our DD would burst out laughing. So, you can imagine, a belly-laughing baby, and an adorable puppy....we had the attention of pretty much every person in attendance. Lots of smiles, cooing...yeah, my baby is freaking adorable.

BM was SO! F*CKING! P*SSED! off that at one point she looked like she was going to explode. She kept getting up from her bench and stomping up and down the metal stands, making a huge scene with the noise. Red faced and furious, she kept grabbing her other daughter by the arm and talking angrily into her ear. Everyone looked confused, especially her daughter. In the last few seconds of the game, SD threw a pass to a teammate that scored the winning touchdown. It was an awesome play, and the whole place was going wild with excitement. The parents of the players rushed the field, congratulating their kids. BM got into her car and left without saying a word to SD. SD was CRUSHED. She called her over and over, leaving messages, texting...no answer. DH finally asked her if she wanted to go out to eat, come over to our place...SD said she was going to walk home. In the dark. Two and a half miles. DH said no, we'll give you a ride.

I will never in my life forget the look on SD's face. She turned to her father and said "Please don't make this worse. It's already going to be terrible. If you guys give me a ride, I'll be in more trouble. Please dad, just let me walk." We were stunned at her candor. She got a text from BM just after she said that, before we could even respond. It said "Thinking about going anywhere with your pops and step-mommy? NOT a good idea. I don't believe that I need to elaborate on why." Holy sh*t, mommy dearest.

SD is a major over-achiever, because she is dying to gain BM's approval and favor, which she will never get. (Unless SD is trashing us, then she's golden with BM.) Striving to be perfect has literally driven this poor girl batsh*t crazy. I KNOW that she is struggling with anorexia/bulimia, depression, and low self-esteem. When she went back to BM's, she was forced to go off of her anti-depressants cold-turkey, and she was on a fairly high dose. BM doesn't "believe" in doctors, pills, or therapists, and SD is a major hypochondriac.

So this is why we struggle so much with letting the no-contact go on. Yes, SD has moments where she acts like a total b*tch. She has treated us like garbage, especially in the past few months. But she wants to be a good person, and usually is. I know that not being in contact with us is hurting her tremendously. It isn't about punishing us for whatever it is she feels we did wrong, it's about the possibility of losing BM. Because she can't have us both, BM won't allow it.

SD loving me and her father is tantamount to treason as far as BM is concerned. BM has always had an "it's us against the world, baby" kind of attitude. Well, BM may have created a life for herself where the world truly IS against her. She's hateful, vindictive, and, like I've said in previous posts, immediately goes for the "emotional jugular" against any perceived opponent. She makes enemies everywhere she goes. She doesn't have ONE friend that I can name, and I've known this chick for sixteen years. None of her husbands or boyfriends have stuck around for long. SD is (and always has been) the person she leans on for support. It is completely as*backward. BM has what I've called "single mother-itis". She wants that status, BAD. BM will tell anyone that will listen that DH has never supported her or SD, he has been an absent father, a deadbeat, left her while she was pregnant, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

The reality couldn't be further from the truth. I KNOW, because I've been here through all of it. A man that has his daughter three days a week (Fri-Sun) is NOT an absent father. A man that has never missed a CS payment (because even if he was out of work, I paid it), is NOT a deadbeat. A man that moves away from his job and family to follow his "baby momma" to a different state, so that he could work, pay the bills for BM and SD while he lived in his car, is NOT unsupportive. I could go on, but you get the idea.

This just turned into a much longer diatribe than I had intended. I guess I'm just still processing the situation as I write it. I'm frustrated and sad that things have turned out this way. I'm furious that BM could knowingly smear her daughter's view of her father in order to keep SD's loyalties with her, and her only. I know that this will backfire on BM someday. But quietly waiting for BM to get hit by the karma bus, all while maintaining our dignity and adult status, is painful.

Wow, Red, and Most, I believe that you are right. There is no reason to lay our necks on the chopping block. SD has made it clear that she doesn't want contact with us. For there to be any real relationship with her in the future, she's going to have to make the first move. We've chased her for long enough. And she's so close to being an adult, definitely thinks she's already an adult, that she can make this adult decision, and suffer the adult consequences.