Strange girl shows up at Gramma's
SD15 has been wretched to us for close to 2 years. We've got her in therapy finally, but we haven't seen any improvement yet. She says terrible things to her Dad, tries all kind of ways to wipe out my very existence. Her Dad and I are emotionally exhausted.
Due to a long story, we sent her a few states away for the weekend to see her dad's relatives.
We've been getting texts, photos, messages from the in-laws all weekend. She's smiling. She's having fun. She's "polite." And the last message this morning, "she was ANGEL the whole time."
Angel????? Smiling?????
Who is this girl?
Feeling melancholy that we never get to see this. Feeling resentful that those of us who do most for her get the worst of her. Feeling blue that she undoubtedly had choice words about me while she was up there. My in laws are wonderful people who have been very supportive of me. They know full well she's a handful and then some. But for her to display a friendly smiling face to them while her dad and I have spent our whole marriage (1 1/2 years) lamenting a belligerent, hostile kid to them makes me feel like we lose credibility.
Don't get me wrong, I believe the trip was good for her and I'm glad she had a good time. Maybe she'll remember having good times is better than ruining every single day.
But I still feel a bit blue.
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My in-laws would never bash
My in-laws would never bash Dh or me. But they don't live with us, it can be very difficult sussing out a kid's level of distortion in what they report about a household in which the listener doesn't live.
Sometimes even we are guilty of giving too much credence to stuff she reports about her BM's house; I doubt the in-laws are immune from that, either.
Thank you for your comment. Nice to feel I'm not alone.
Indeed, I am grateful DH can send her like that! It's the first time. And in exchange, we have never had a honeymoon.
I know how you feel. My SD18
I know how you feel. My SD18 treats us like crap, but my IL's think she is an angel and keep flying her out there to see them. It has caused so many problems for me with them. DH sees the problem, but they don't. So she can show them for about 4 days that she is perfect.
My thoughts are be with her full time and see what a joy she is. They can not keep up that charade for long.
Made me smile, thanks! And I
Made me smile, thanks! And I would like to laminate this! Probably make several copies and laminate them all to pass out!
Oh, I don't know. DH and I
Oh, I don't know. DH and I will have to process what happened. How would you use this weekend to make changes? I'd love the input.
Actually, they have seen her
Actually, they have seen her true colors plenty. Last time she was there, 2 Christmases ago, she ended up getting in trouble at her uncle's house, got a lecture from him over a whole separate incident, and she ended the trip by having to write apology notes to all her aunts/uncles/gramma. They've been after my DH to put her in therapy for years.
This will probably be the one time they've ever really just enjoyed her since she was an infant.
But the flip side is they don't know ME very well. They've been just lovely to me, but have really only spent time with me 3 times. And if SD is now so grownup and acting so wonderful, well, maybe SD's insights about this new person in the family (me) might be given some weight.
Her trip is over, btw, Dh is at the airport right now picking her up. Trip was 2 full days plus 2 short travel days.
Thanks for your support. Really nice to get these messages.
This used to happen to me all
This used to happen to me all of the time too. She completely manipulated them and had them eating out of the palm of her hand. Now you look like you are just unfair and "hate" her and make up awful things about her... Sorry you have to deal with that.
THANK YOU ALL SO
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!
Nobody can understand this stuff except those who have lived it. I am so grateful to have found this community of experienced stepparents. I appreciate everybody's input in this thread so so so so much. Feels like I'm not alone. Not crazy. Not unreasonable. And not mean.
Great ideas and insights, I appreciate every single one. <3
You are not crazy, that's for
You are not crazy, that's for sure... you are right to have standards and expect good behavior. She is capable of it, as she has so abundantly shown your in-laws. She must know right from wrong. Stick to your right and keep giving consequences for wrong - or your DH should.
In my life, the skids became total shits to me and DH but not in an overtly rude way. It was more subtle but vicious. Just as Rising has said, i should have wasted NO time, zero, feeling maligned, betrayed, shocked, etc. However, they were older and thus their hostility was that of fully formed adults, or almost adults, who should have known better.
Having a very oppositional ( as in ODD) 15yo at home ( my bio-son) i can tell you that i at times get the treatment that i think he should save for his "evil SM"... he is really difficult and rude with *me*, not so much my DH, and very sweet and easy-going with my ex and SM - where he spends EOW, or less. The secret is, i have chores, and expectations, and i am not afraid to put him in his place when he crosses the line. I email his teachers if there is a problem, and I force him to do more than he is inclined to do. It is very clear that i am the adult and he is the kid - it's a one-way street.
In his other family his father and SM allow him to play video games all night long, watch 4 movies a weekend, eat pizza 3 times a day, and not shower. It's paradise over there - so he is an angel! (just like your SD). No fights at all, never. At home he needs to do chores, do home work, i expect him to read more than the school assigns - you get the picture. It provokes fights bc he does not give up his "right" to run his own life without a fight. If he tells me, "I hate you!" i send him to his bedroom so that he could hate me in the privacy and comfort of his own room and would not let him participate in our activities without an apology. He can be exhausting, and so is your SD, but in my opinion that is not reason enoough for me to change my standards. He is getting better with age, and we actually have a pretty good, often humorous, relationship - as good as you can have with a defiant teenager whom i refuse to enable.
The book that really helped me figure him out was Douglas Riley's book on defiant teens recommended to me on this forum. If your SD has ODD, his book could really open your eyes on what is going on with her. ODD kids typically do not see adults as superior, they see themselves as adults and want you out of their lives. Things are certainly more difficult in a step-situation but even with oppositional bios, they can be tough. His book is on Amazon, easy to find.
Well, that is certainly true.
Well, that is certainly true. She does not see herself as inferior in any way to any of us grownups. She actually says to her dad, "'Because I said so' doesn't work for me!" as if she is a client about to reject an offer from a company or a boss evaluating an employee when an assignment has fallen behind!
I will look up that book. Thank you so much. And, yes, at our house we don't let her beat her brother or eat with her fingers or insult the adults and she's just starting to have to do chores. Not my fault she got away for the last 12 years without having to do any at all!
I appreciate hearing about another 15 year old and a bio parent. Thank you! (dinner's on the stove, gotta go!)