Pregnant and worried about SD
I have a 6 year old stepdaughter and I've been married to my husband for 3 years.
I'm now 20 weeks into my first pregnancy and I'm suddenly very worried about my son being around SD.
Not because of her behavior but because she has HIV. Her BM also has it from being a caregiver as a teenager to an affected relative (documented). Supposedly there's only a 2% chance of transmitting it while pregnant, and SD was that 2%. DH is negative.
I am terrified of her transmitting this to my baby. We're always very strict on hygiene but there's no way to impress on her how serious this is without making her feel dirty.
Am I overreacting? Should I be looking into newborn PREP?
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Yes you are overreacting.
Yes you are overreacting. Unless SD bleeds into your child (i.e. blood transfusion), she won't transmit it. It is NOT spread through casual contact.
No, your child does not need PrEP.
How are you thinking she may give it to him?
ETA: I am assuming she is on ART. I am also assuming she takes it every day. Is her viral load undetectable? If so, she is non-infectious, as in she cannot transmit it to anyone so long as she remains undetectable.
I have no idea. I wish I did
I have no idea. I wish I did but the bio parents prefer to keep information about her status as private as possible. The school doesn't even know (the law actually backs this).
SD doesn't know yet but will be informed before puberty. She is told that her medication is a "vitamin" that she must take.
I work in the HIV field. The
I work in the HIV field. The stigma for their daughter is very real. She isn't a walking plague. She isn't going to give it to your son. Even if she scraped her knee and he touched it, your son would be fine.
HIV cannot live outside the body. She won't transmit it through touching the baby, coughing on the baby, kissing the baby, etc. The virus just doesn't transmit that way. Casual contact, which would be anything outside sex and direct contact with blood (i.e. blood taken from one bloodstream and put into another, like through a transfusion or needlestick), won't transmit it.
ETA: The school doesn't need to know. Using universal precautions, the likelihood that anyone would become infected is negligible. Someone is more likely to get a deadly case of the flu than HIV.
Definitely
overreacting. As stated above, your SD would need to bleed into your newborn to transmit it assuming she has a detectable viral load. I would also not want my newborn on potentially harmful drugs unless it was necessary and your newborn has an almost zero risk of exposure, or no more risk than anyone else.
Was mom bled into while caregiving or stuck by a needle? The chances of her contracting it through regular caregiving duties would be very low. As would the chances of passing it on to a newborn unless mom failed to follow proper protocols while pregnant.
BM was all of 13 when her
BM was all of 13 when her older brother was diagnosed with AIDS (ignored it until it was too late). Everyone else in the family declined to give care out of fear. BM defied them and did the best she could, but ultimately didn't understand transmission and caught it.
She now has two younger children that are also negative. This one was just unfortunate.
You really need to talk to
You really need to talk to your doctor and when you pick one, the pediatrician for your baby.
Over reacting or not, I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't be.
I'm apparently "not allowed"
I'm apparently "not allowed" to share SD's status so I would have to be extremely vague about why I thought he might be exposed.
"I have a family member that
"I have a family member that will be in close contact with my son. They have HIV. What should I be worried about?"
Also, do some research online through the CDC, Johns Hopkins, etc.
"Not allowed" to share with
"Not allowed" to share with your doctor to help ease you fears?
Um. Sorry, but that is straight up bullshit. Talk to your doctor. Let your doc know your SO doesn't like you sharing so they don't mention it when he is around.
SD and BS will have different
SD and BS will have different pediatricians and he doesn't want it to be beyond a "need to know".
It's actually in the CO that "no unnecessary persons are informed by either parent"; ie. No other doctors but SD's, no casual partner, no friend. BM could and would actually take him to court over "turning SD's status into gossip".
Of course you worry. Pregnant
Of course you worry. Pregnant women worry.
Talk to your doctor. Talk to the pediatrician you plan to use. But, consider the fact that your DH is negative. His having unprotected sex (resulting in SD) with BM did not result in him acquiring HIV. Casual contact, the type of contact between siblings, is much less likely to pass HIV from one to the other.
Talk to the doctors. You will always worry about something. All parents do. Talk to the doctors and ease your anxiety.
Get some facts from your doctor
When I had my first i worried about all types of things. I remembering worrying about stepping on something like moss and whether that would affect my baby. So being worried about your newborn coming in to close and semi constant contact with someone with HIV is a perfectly normal concern. So ask your doctor, do some googling until you are comfortable with the facts.
And dont feel bad if even after you know the facts if you still have an aversion to the interactions. You are experiencing a totally normal mothering instinct to protect your child. As your baby gets older and the sublings grow a bond you'll feel better about it. It will just take time. I'd just be careful that SD doesnt pick up on your feelings.
^^^^ I completely agree with
^^^^ I completely agree with this, it is completely normal that you are worried!!! HIV isn't the flu, and you should worry! Just because it's not likely doesn't mean that it can't happen, just like your poor SD herself was in the 2%.
My skids don't even have anything like that and I only allow minimal contact with my daughter because kids ARE dirty! No news there! They pick up crap from other kids at daycare/school and constantly touch stuff and don't wash their hands. Little kids are gross and I have no problem telling kids not to touch my baby, especially during flu season!!
A kid is more likely to die
A kid is more likely to die from the flu than HIV. Using her status as a means to prevent SD from having a relationship with her sibling just perpetuates stigma around the disease and the people who live with it.
Casual contact, as in SD touching her sibling, WILL NOT transmit HIV. A hug, sharing a drink, etc WILL NOT transmit HIV. It just won't happen, and living in fear/ignorance of that causes more harm than good.
HIV doesn't make SD "dirty".
I never said she was dirty
I never said she was dirty for having HIV! I said kids in general are dirty and pass things easily which is why they should have minimal contact with a newborn. You took what I said out of context, but there's no point in shaming someone for having these feelings of protection for their baby, and HIV is also deadly, except the flu goes away. I'm just saying I myself kept kids from touching on my newborn.
HIV isn't any more deadly
HIV isn't any more deadly than any other chronic disease when it's managed. The life span of someone with HIV is nearly identical to that of someone who doesn't have HIV.
My point is that every parent puts their kid in more harms way than HIV every day. You put them in a car, you take them in public where people are sick, you leave them in the care of other individuals that you don't know 100% (including other kids), etc. To keep SD away from her brother because of HIV, or going over the top with hygeine or any other unnecessary precautions, IS stigmatizing.
OP can be worried, but she should not use that against her SD.
Ok I can definitely see your
Ok I can definitely see your point of view on it and I agree that people do put their children in more harm's way than they realize, I just minimalized contact with my daughter because skids are in daycare and really until a baby is older and out of harm's way, little kids shouldn't be touching them all the time. The hospital I was at nobody under 18 was even allowed to come into the maternity ward for that reason. I don't think she should keep so from having a relationship with her baby, just take precautions, but like above post, don't let sd notice.
I was actually bitten by a
I was actually bitten by a kid with HIV in the course of my job, and didn't get it. His viral load was undetectable as are many people with HIV now. I agree the school should know nothing, but you, IMO, should at least be given reassurance by your DH that her viral load is also undetectable (if it is), and what that means.
He doesn't share that
He doesn't share that information though. Which is uncool. What happens (God forbid) if the viral load goes up and there is more chance? Will he share then?
HIV is not something the OP's husband should be keeping her in the dark about. He is making OP nervous by not sharing very relavant information. Imagine if she does ask her doctor about it and the doctor asks about viral load. "I don't know, my husband won't tell me". The doctor would probably look at her like she has a third eye.
OP, I think you really need to express to your husband that him keeping everything a secret is making you nervous. There is ZERO reason you do not need to understand what is going on.
I agree. I think that's very
I agree. I think that's very odd and it shows a lack of trust in his wife. While I do understand their fear of the girl being mistreated because of this illness, and that fear is very real - if my DH didn't tell me something like that, I'd wonder if he trusted me with other important information. She already knows the kid has HIV, what's the difference if she has information on the viral load?
What chance is there if the
What chance is there if the viral load goes up?
Is SD going to be having sex with her brother? Breastfeeding him? Sharing needles with him? Giving him a blood transfusion?
If the answer is "no", then OP doesn't need to worry. It is EXTREMELY HARD to get HIV if you aren't actively having unprotected sex as the receiver, actively transfusing infected blood from one person to another, or actively giving birth without treatment.
I think she has the right to
I think she has the right to more information so she can ease her fears. I agree with you, but most people don't know much about it.
No, she has no right to SD's
No, she has no right to SD's medical information, especially to ease her own fears. Knowing the information changes nothing. The same precautions should be taken if she is detectable, undetectable, or not HIV-positive.
It is OP's responsibility to ease her own fears through education, support groups, etc. There is no excuse for not knowing about HIV transmission when you have fear and access to the internet.
Her DH has made it clear what he will and won't disclose to his wife. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. However, she does not have a right to SD's medical information all because she is married to the father.
I guess we'll have to agree
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I would feel as if he didn't trust me if he kept is such a secret. I know you are in the HIV field, but IMO, that kind of secrecy only adds to the stigma. He probably would tell her details about SD's asthma and diabetes, or even her depression and anxiety, so keeping this under lock and key just makes it seem like it's worse than those issues, and it isn't.
I don't think she has a "right" to it (poor wording on my other post), but I don't see the need to keep it such a closely guarded secret, either.
Maybe he doesn't trust his
Maybe he doesn't trust his wife. She has been married to him for 3 years, so she has had at least 3 years to deal with him not telling her. Her question isn't "how can I get my husband to trust me" "am I overreacting and should I put my child on PrEP?" That question shows a profound lack of understanding about the disease and lack of motivation to learn about it on her own. If my spouse, after 3 years and a baby with me, was still *that* uninformed about HIV, I would be hesistant to share information, too. Though, I'd struggle to stay married if I felt I needed to keep that secret.
Stigma is a vicious circle. It gets broken when people educate themselves, not when their fears are assuaged at the expense of someone else's status.
Are you kidding? I think OP
Are you kidding? I think OP absolutely has a right to SD's medical information because she is married to the father. She is likely putting time, money, and effort into helping raise SD - why should she NOT know important details about her medical state? Especially if she is giving birth to SD's sibling. If anything, and I don't want to be dramatic, but I would be worried about what else he's not sharing with me. Are you absolutely positive HE'S not HIV positive? Are you absolutely positive there's no way he's passed it onto you?
No SP has a right to their SK
No SP has a right to their SK's health information because no SP has an obligation to their SK. We teach new SPs here ALL THE TIME that they have a CHOICE regarding their involvement. Having the ability to choose comes with the drawback of not being privy to anything.
OP has a trust problem with her DH that has manifested through her SD's medical diagnosis. Knowing the details of SD's health history WILL NOT fix that trust issue. No one, especially a child, should have their health information disclosed to assuage the trust issues of two other adults.