There is nothing like guilt parenting. (Long Vent)
So, our Father's Day weekend started with me going up Friday evening after work to retrieve the SS's an hour and 15 minutes away and then driving them back to our home (another hour and 15 minutes). They, of course, are asking for the first 20 minutes of the trip "What are we doing this weekend?", "Where are we going?", "Can we go to the store because I want to buy X,Y,Z?" All of this is indicating that we need to do something or buy something to entertain them. It makes me tense when someone else wants to spend my money for me:-). But whatever...I tell them that their Father has requested we don't do anything for Father's Day (complete truth) and it shuts them down to realize this weekend isn't all about them.
On the way home I get a call to pick up food for supper as DH doesn't feel like cooking (putting frozen pizza's in the oven is too much for him tonight :-)). But again whatever...I pick up fastfood and the SS's are overjoyed because they won't have to endure my home cooking. My BD2 is also thrilled because this is a real treat to her. We don't do fast food normally unless the SS's are with us.
After eating, I stand in the kitchen to give the boys instructions on cleaning up. I have to do this everytime they visit because they cannot be expected to remember from one week to the next. The instructions are simple: 1)Throw the trash away. 2.) Put any cups or silverware in the dishwasher. 3.)Wipe down counters and table. Unfortunately, DH decides that this time is the perfect time to bounce a ball in the kitchen. He bounces it on my head, the boys heads and BD2's head. I finally blew my top and yelled "Stop It!!!!!" I repeated my instructions and then took BD2 for her bath. After getting BD2 bathed and in bed I go into the kitchen to find garbage on the counters (Instruction #1 not done), cups in the sink (Instruction #2 not done), and as for the table and counters, Ha Ha Ha Ha :D, silly me for expecting that to get done. I, of course, blame DH and not the SS's because he was the distraction and so I just clean up. After all, what else am I good for? I go sit down to relax. At 9pm, an half hour after their normal bedtime, I tell the boys it is time for bed. They look at me, dismiss me, and start talking to DH. He talks with them and they joke around for a while. I continue telling them it is time for bed an additional 4 times and everytime they look at me and then start talking to DH and he continues to have conversations with them. At 10pm, he finally tells them, time for bed and they say goodnight and mosey along.
I tell DH, that letting them ignore me like that is not ok. That he is allowing and encouraging them to disrespect me and that I don't like it. His response is that he thinks its okay to "mess around with his boys" and that I shouldn't interfere with that. So my final response was that he was apparently agreeing that he was encouraging the boys to ignore me and that he just wanted me to know the reasons it was ok. Fine. I get it. I won't interfere.
Saturday:
In the morning, I get BD2 ready and advise DH I am taking BD2 to the park, library and store and I will be back later. DH asks if I am taking SS's with me. I said "No, I want to spend time with my BD2". He says that I get to do that every weekend and that I should want to hang out with the boys when they are visiting. I said (being just a little catty) you wanted to mess around with your boys and this will give all day to do it.
Needless to say I had a nice day. I am not sure what all they did but I do know that they went to the store and bought more video games. My guess is SS's spent all day playing video games and DH spent all day outside working in the garden or whatever. Wonderful quality time }-).
I gave no instructions and therefore was not ignored.
Sunday:
I tell the boys to get ready to go to the store to buy their father a card for Father's Day. SS12 says, in front of DH, "Do I have to go?" (insert whiny voice here). I told him no and that the card wouldn't be from him. He deigned to honor us with his presence. At the store, all kids wanted to get their own card for DH. I said no, one card from all of them (insert eye rolling here). We finally agree on one and I get one from me and we head for the checkout. Now it is time for my favorite game..."Can I Have?" We go through several rounds of this prior to me getting out of the store with the cards and kids, sans any extra stuff.
When we get home SS12 says "Can I give my card to Daddy?" (No Sh*t, Daddy at 12). I said that they all could do it together because it was from all of them (insert another eye roll here). DH opens their card and they goof off awhile. SS12 asks Daddy to take him back to the store so he could get something that he just has to have. DH says no (good job DH). DH starts to open my card and SS12 says he wants to go now and play Xbox. I said, "Goodbye".
I then proceed to make a picnic lunch. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, slaw, potato salad... the works. When I get it on the table for lunch, SS12 says "What's this?". I say its fried chicken. He says he's never had that before. I say think chicken nugget before processing. (I swear BM has never home cooked a meal, ever) Anyway, I take a bite of my chicken and DH asks how it is. I say pretty good but needs more pepper. SS12 then says "Why don't you get up and get some then?" (insert eye rolls and a lot of attitude here). DH tells him that was really rude. I sweetly tell SS12 the pepper is already on the table. He does attempt to look ashamed but is not really successful. I tell DH that this is what happens when he allows SS's to disrespect me. There was no more conversation at the table for that meal. And the boys did clean up afterward, without any instruction from me 
Upon getting ready to leave for our 1 hour and 15 minute drive to drop the boys off, SS10 says that he can't find his glasses. He searches for all of 5 minutes and then says he will just have to get another pair. We had to leave and therefore had no way to make him search longer. When telling BM, she started playing my next favorite game, "You'll just have to..." I said give it a week and then we'll discuss it. Who knows, they might turn up. She says it doesn't matter, he needs a new prescription anyway.
So that was our Father's Day weekend. I think it would have been better if DH would have supported me Friday night instead of undermining me. I think a lot of the rest of the stuff would have been avoided. DH might even agree with me now but its too late to make the weekend nice.
Check for my next installment in two weeks when we get them for the summer and include a 7 hour road trip 
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Comments
Guilt parenting at it's finest!
I'm glad that you and your BD left him to mess around with his boys. Hahaha. I bet he was wishing you were there to help him that day.
Maybe a light bulb came on in his head though, maybe he'll learn from this weekend and it won't repeat itself. I hope so anyways!
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
where can I find some difinitive resouse for guile parenting??
I see it everyday, well not so more, but if you read my posts you will see a trend. I am also seeing a trend and it MAY be with guilt parenting.
He does okay for awhile...
then he switches back to Guilt mode and we get more of this stuff. Then I have to be a b*tch for a day and then we're better. We seem to have a cycle going on and it revolves around SS's.
Well I'm glad that you
are cool about it. That's what alot of us lack, coolness!
You just took your DD and went off to the park! LOL! I bet your DH was like, wah, me and my sons aren't the center of the universe! LOL
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
You did everything right
Now it is Dh's turn.
I love that you left w/bkids and went to the park, leaving Daddy-O to deal with his own "boys"!
"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912
Casper
I'd respond to this, but I need to know... do you want a different view on the above.. or do you just want to let it go. (And what I'm saying won't be harsh, but it will be a different take on what you wrote.) I don't completely agree with the guilt parenting aspect on this. That's all I'll say right now.
Open
I try to always be open to different views. I would like to hear what you see in this situation. It might make me see something different too.
Hey Casper
I'm responding right to your first post, so I can refer to it... thanks so much!
Casper - Thoughts about the quick rush to "guilt parenting" Long
First, let me say that these are just my opinions. I think that you and your DH seem like you have a fairly decent relationship. I've read a few of your past blogs. He doesn't always do the right thing, but when you express yourself to him he doesn't just brush it off. When you tell him that you feel disrespected and that he is sending the wrong message to his children, it sounds like he "gets it" and tries the next time. Am I reading that correctly?
As far as guilt parenting goes... for a good view from the bio dad's point of view.. see StepmomJen's Blog about her DH's Revelation. That pretty much tells why a dad does some of the stuff you are referring to above. But I'm not sure that's all your DH is doing.
I have a real issue with the whole jump to the rallying cry of "guilt parenting" over and over. Sometimes, the way a parent acts with a child has nothing to do with guilt. Sometimes, that's just the parent they are. I think your DH is just being a "dad"!!
I believe that in your past blog, you have stated that you and DH are pretty much on the same page while raising BD, who is 2. I think it's easy right now for you two to be in agreement while she's that little. When she is 10 or 12, you may be facing the same Dh who wants to stay up to talk to his daughter for an extra hour, or cuddle her, or who wants to play, while you want to clean!
This is what I'm getting at....There was nothing that you wrote above that screams TO ME "Guilt Parenting" on the part of your DH. As far as your DH "messing around with his boys"... I want to tell you a story about my dad. My dad used to smoke a lot! And instead of throwing away his cigarette packs, he'd crumple them up into little balls and hide a stash of them under the couch. Then, when I or my sisters or my mom were just sitting there, zooooom! A crumpled ball of a cigarette pack would go bouncing off our heads! Or... we'd sit at dinner on special holidays all together. Whoever sat next to "daddy" and all of us girls called him that ... Whoever sat next to daddy had to be careful because he'd butter his bread and then kind just kind of "flick" his wrist so we'd get buttered bread on our cheek! And he'd laugh!! And my mom would just laugh! My mom could have went the whole "Oh Stop It" Route! My mom was more of the disciplinarian in our home. But she didn't. Because she knew that being a good parent is not just the whole, be good, don't ask for stuff, don't talk with your mouth full, clean up, go to bed on time. Sometimes being a good parent means PLAYING with your kids... even if they are older. And not playing games or playing sports. Playing as in bouncing a ball off their head because it's a funny thing to do. Being lighthearted. I think we do that with babies, but sometimes I think parents lose that with children once they pass the age of 5 or 6. Then all of a sudden, they become "too old" or "old enough to know better". And before anyone comes after me with the whole, Oh you are trying to be a friend to you child rather than a parent.... I want you to go to this link.... http://www.kalimunro.com/If_I_Had_My_Life_To_Live_Over.html
I THINK in my opinion that your kids are BEING kids. The behavior you described above sounds like normal behavior of 10 and 12 years old kids! And you know what? You handled it beautifully!! So, I'm hoping that instead of thinking "oh these spoiled brats" you could look at it like, this is where they are, this is how I handle it, and eventually they will get it. You just have to stay consistent with your messages and it sounds like you do. So don't let it get you down! THEY'RE KIDS!!!
Finally, the only other thing I want to add is that it struck me that your DH WANTED you to spend time with the boys and you took your daughter out for the day. I understand you want the time with your daughter. But you do have her alone to yourself every other weekend,and I think to yourself during the week too, correct? IN MY OWN OPINION, I don't think it's too much for your DH to ask you to stay home with him, with his sons, and be part of "his" family. Again, look at StepmomJen's DH's Revelation Blog for why I think the way I do on this. It says it all for me. I understand SS12 is a bit much. But again, and this is my own opinion.... I just feel that you need to be there with your DH. You want your DH to support you and back you up when it comes to them? Then I feel that he has every right to ask you to stand by him, even if standing by him in that situation just means being there for him while he plays with his kids.
Guilt parenting is one of those "hot" topics that's being diagnosed just like so many other diseases once they are discovered. Wow, everyone has that!! I do think that divorced parents "Guilt Parent". Unlike others, I don't always think it's a bad thing.
Thank you, Stick
Thank you very much for your post. You brought up a lot of good points and you are right that I hurried to put a label on DH's behavior. "Guilt Parenting" is probably not the correct label in this instance. At the time that I wrote this, it was pretty much "any port in a storm"
I will be more aware in the future though as I did not think of this phrase as really being an overused diagnosis, thank you for pointing that out. And you are also correct that the boy's behavior, while sometimes aggravating and irritating, is completely normal for their ages. I may not survive the teenage years though LOL.
I guess the real reason I got upset is that it is not the first time. Over the past 6 months to a year, DH has started countermanding me in front of the boys and it does infuriate me. And it isn't like, "Casper, how about we let the boys stay up another 30 minutes? I haven't seen them all week", it is either just ignoring me or telling them to do something completely different. I feel like they are being encouraged to ignore what I say and they only have to do it if DH says it. I don't like that. I think he understands where I am coming from when I say something to him, but of course, that is after the fact and doesn't take away the impression with the boys that he has left.
Just to clarify on your last point, DH didn't want me to be with him while he played with the boys. He wanted me to take the boys with me and BD2 so that he could do his own thing. This is something that started when we first got together, and I allowed it. But over the past 3-4 years I have stopped taking the boys with me just so he can do his thing. I feel they come over to see their dad, not me, and he needs to spend time with them. Though, like I said, I doubt if he really spent time with them. They probably played video games and DH probably did his thing. DH is wonderful in many ways but in this I think he is wrong.
In answer to your question about my time with BD2, I work full time and really only have my evenings and weekends with her. I do have to admit that I guard that time with her, as I really wanted to be a stay at home mom for her at least for the first few years. I wasn't able to for many reasons and I don't like that she spends more time with "strangers" than with me and DH. And yes, she is well cared for and she thrives in daycare. She loves her teachers and adores her friends. I know I should be okay with it by now but I'm not yet (sue me):)
And finally, I wanted to say that I agree with you that parenting is not just schedules, manners, cleaning, discipline and 3 square meals a day. Effective parenting does include play and DH is much better at it than I am. I get stuck on the rules sometimes (as many mom's do);). Looks like I have and area to improve on.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read about my little issue. I know, compared to some of the situations that other steps are dealing with, my situation is easy. I appreciate that you took the time to seriously think about it and to respond. I hope that I can be helpful to you in the future as well.
Casper!!!
You are so sweet! Thank you so much for the kind words in return! And thank you for clarifying for me some of what is going on. You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! Your DH needs to change his behavior because it does send the wrong message to the boys. Since he listens when you talk to him, maybe you could try having the discussion before they get there on the weekends they are there. That way it's fresh in his mind and he's not distracted when they are right in front of him. Or come up with some kind of code word.
But honestly, don't be too worried about it. As long as when you finally make the rule, or say "enough"...if you can get DH to agree. If he's doing it after the fact, see if he can add in "Casper is right, it's late and time for bed" or something like that. It will reinforce that message. I think the boys will not look bad at you or at DH. Looking back, I think that's how a lot of kids were raised! For some reason, as women, we usually do end up with the nurturing role, as well as the discipline role. It didn't diminish the moms in most kids' eyes as far as I know. Your Dh just needs a little training!
I was surprised to read about the fact that he wanted you to take the boys out and leave him home!! YIKES! Got me there girl! You are right that he needs to stay with them and BE with them. That is his responsibility. Does he have any projects at home he can save for when the boys are around?
Finally, I completely understand about you wanting to stay at home with your darling daughter. And I'm glad you didn't take offense to what I had said. She's a lucky little girl!
Best wishes!
Thanks again for understanding where I was coming from!