Skids are gone but I'm left with hatred and anger
In short I hate my hubbys ex so much it is causing problems. She is the most vicious, hateful, rascist, maniupulative person ever. The skids used to like me but she turned them against me to the point that one of the skids would come to my house to tell me the rascist and hateful things her mom said about me. I have never done anything to that woman. Anyway, that particular skid is out of our lives but I'm left with immense rage and hate towards them for how I have been treated and the awful things said to me. The thoughts go round and round in my head. I'm so angry and hurt. I hate them all so much I wish they would disappear forever. I am not looking forward to grandkids (skids are grown now) I know that crazy ex bitch is going to turn them against me too! I hate being with my husband becuase of his baggage and I want to leave but I love him. I hate them so so so much it's insane. They are awful people and I jsut can't deal with the thought of them in my life or the thought of any future events such as weddings, births, etc. That hateful bitch will always be there and I don't want to deal with it. She is getting divorced again bc no one can stand her and she is trying to come back into my husbands lives. She has the stupid skids send him pictures that she "didn't want bc he's in them" he threw the pics straight in the trash. I hate them and i have nightmares at how ive been treated. i hate them so much
- Casey Summers's blog
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I feel very much like you -
I feel very much like you - ie a lot of bitterness over the way I was treated for a decade+ and DH did not have my back. In my case it has faded a bit with time passing and very little contact with the SDs any more, but for you I get that it is still white hot. How does your DH feel about it all, and about how you feel? I found that if mine acknowledged and accepted my feelings as reasonable, then it helped me. I can imagine if there is a racist element to it all, it makes it so much worse, in that it makes you feel looked down upon on account of your race.
I wonder if it might do you good to get away on your own for a little while to just have some space to process what you're feeling? I share your feelings about future things like weddings etc - the thought fills me with dread.
I know how you feel
I'm 75, what am I doing on Steptalk? I'm still dealing with those feelings. Time will fade the memories a little and as your life resumes balance following the SKs exit, that will help, too. You love your DH, thst is a consolation. Keep reading on Steptalk, that is helping me understand the dynamics I experienced. Good luck.
Anger
I get that your angry. And you probably dont want to read this, but I too have that anger. Toxic Troll and Feral Forger were all really mean and rude to me. And I just had an argument with Munchkin SD14 and she was yelling at me and generally we have a really great relationship, but I can see that her DNA of Toxic is winning out.
So, with that background, I just want to say that you definitely need some space from your DH. That he allowed the kids to treat you badly is also on him, so I think you probably are feeling a lot right now. The BM is "safe" to be angry at, but your DH is also responsible for allowing it.
That being said, I have let my anger burn for too long and feel like it has had a detrimental affect on my life so I would suggest doing the opposite of what I do, and perhaps seek some therapy, to help you come to a place of peace.
I've been carrying around
I've been carrying around anger and contempt for a couple of years. I was bewildered for 4 years before that. Im was so angry at DH for exposing me to his sh*tshow baggage and having to be associated with his POS ex. "I want a divorce" would run through my head like one of the ticker feeds.
I finally hit a flat spot on my emotions. Either the wellbutrin and zoloft is doing its job or I have reached apathy.