What to do when they don’t want to come anymore
Hey guys long time reader, first time posting!
I'm happily married to a wonderful husband and dad and we have a 1.5 year old DS. Hubby and I have been together almost three years. I have a SS10 and SD 7 who visit every other weekend. Recently the step kids have been crying wanting to go home every time they come over. This has been happening both nights that they stay every second weekend. They also refuse to eat some of the meals that I cook even if it's something they want me to cook, it feels they do this out of protest of not being able to go home when they want to. We spoil them rotten, and I feel they are ungrateful. We bought then toys for Christmas and most of them were just chucked in the garage when they got them and never played with and it's been 6 months. Even though I remind them, they refuse to play with the toys they put in the garage.
its very stressful for my husband and myself and I at times want to drive them home but BIO won't allow it.
The step kids have had over two years to get used to the different rules and I feel they are old enough to start behaving appropriately as well.
I'm at the point where I want to say that if they don't want to come then they don't have to and just leave it until they are old enough to cope and behave appropriately. What are your thoughts?
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Your DH needs to step in and
Your DH needs to step in and find out why they want to leave. It's pretty normal for kids living in two households to miss the other house. People who travel for work miss home, and the unfortunate thing for your DH is that he has created a household that likely operates more like a hotel than a home (if he's spoiling them, only sees them EOWE, etc).
Something that is also common but NOT normal is parental alienation. What is their BM whispering in their ears before coming to Dad's house? Is she talking about the amazing weekend she's going to have that they're going to miss while at Dad's house? Is she telling them how sad she'll be if they decide to go to Dad's house? Perhaps she doesn't alienate but is just far more permissive with less rules, and the kids miss that.
Any way you slice it, the solution here isn't for Dad to stop taking his kids. It's for Dad to talk to his kids to find out what's going on first and then figure out how to tackle it. If BM is reasonable, he may want to talk to her, too. It's entirely possible that the kids cry at her house, too, when they have to eat something they don't want, don't get the attention they want, etc. The kids are old enough to behave differently at both homes, but that also means they're able to manipulate both parents and households.
What you can do is disengage. My opinion is that the only time a SP can say NO to kids coming over are when the kids are dangerous and the SP has an ownership/leasing stake in the home. Violent, thieving, aggressively lying (e.g. false claims of abuse), and/or destructive kids can be seen elsewhere so that your home, reputation, livelihood, and body aren't damaged.
For you right now, disengaging means you'll stop reminding them about toys in the garage, but also stop giving them ideas of things to do when they're bored. "I'm sorry you're bored" will be your go-to response. You'll stop cooking for them on those weekends and rely on your SO to do it. He can put in both the physical and mental load to make meals for them. You don't plan activities, you don't help with homework - basically, you don't do anything unless you want to do it because it brings YOU joy and happiness.
If your SO works weekends, he needs to either change his work schedule or request weekends off. If he balks at you disengaging, tell him he has work to do to make his kids likable and it's a failing on his parenting that pushed you to this. If he threatens to leave, tell him you're disappointed that instead of stepping up as a parent he'd rather get divorced/split up, but if that's what he wants then so be it. Then pack either yours or his things, depending on whose home it is, and off you/they go. Don't let him threaten you with punishment for his inaction; deliver on consequences to his words. The only way that you should allow a comeback from those words is 1) you want there to be a comeback, and 2) you enter into couple's counselling to learn to communicate and operate as a team.
Even though you're his #1 priority, his kids are his #1 responsibility. He needs to figure out what's going on with them and fix that situation first (if he wants to). Being the other adult in this scenario, you can decide if you want to stick around for whatever he comes up with.
This is great thank you so
This is great thank you so much. My DH doesn't work weekends, he is fully present and we wouldn't have them if he wasn't here. We don't ever go out as a couple or get a babysitter etc when they are here. It's always just us looking after them either together or my DH on his own. My DH is very good at knowing his role and my role and it breaks our hearts when they don't appreciate what we do. Because it's always done with good intentions.
We own our home together. I think your right with perhap them feeling like they are missing out on what happens at home when they are with us.
My mum said, well don't let them chose what to have for dinner and yes that's true we could do that but it doesn't solve the issues right? My DH generally cooks when they are here but I like to help out sometimes so he can spend more time with them but again your right, he can go back to doing that.
Ive been thinking of perhaps not being around so much when they come over and perhaps take the baby out during the day. Our baby doesn't cope well with them being here as they annoy him and constantly take things off him. He is excited at first but will be screaming within half an hour.
thoughts?
So, this isn't normal
So, this isn't normal behavior and at 7/10 they absolutely do NOT get to choose if they see their father or not. Father's are very important in their children's lives.
My suggestion would be family counseling. Find out what the root of the issue is. Are the jealous? Are they scared? Is dad not actually paying attention to them while they are there? Do they have different interests than what you are doing? Is mommy behind this and something shady is going on?
I am not one to be a short order cook, but there are things that my kids/Skids don't like. SS21 hates sweet potatoes. We make sweet potato enchiladas from time to time (delicious!!) but I will wrap his in a tortilla and make it a regular enchilada. Not a big deal and it makes him happy.
Maybe they aren't in to the toys you got them and would rather go play... Volley ball (random I know) in the back yard. OK, so grab a cheap net and know that this is something they really like to do! Maybe it is board game night and popcorn that will be something to make them be happy.
Until you know what the issue is, maybe just work on some new ideas for bonding time.
Thanks for this. I don't cook
Thanks for this. I don't cook anything they don't like whilst they are here and as I said in my post they asked for that particular meal and that is why I cooked it. They didn't eat it and refused to have it for lunch the next day.
My SO is very tentative to them and they literally spend all day with him unless the baby is sleeping and that's when they have their own time or play by themselves outside. It just feels like whatever we do it's not enough.
the toy situation are toys they asked for on their list. They also asked for a trampoline which we got and they haven't been on it once since it was set up at Christmas time.
You might be into something about the jealousy as they play all day in the loungeroom playing with my baby's toys that are for babies (not playing with him more taking things off him as soon as he places sometime down or takes it out of his hands). But again they have their own toys they have asked for but refuse to play with.
I think 10 is the age when
I think 10 is the age when stepkids tend to want to stop visits. Your DH has to either tell them this isn't up to them (thought heir biomom will probably tell them otherwise) or you and he can change the schedule. Be aware once you start changing the schedule it will continue to constantly change and you will likely get less time.
TBH I encouraged my DH to get my SD more at first but I stopped after a while since I didn't enjoy visitation time at all. So I left it for him and BM to fight out.
Congrats you are entering the preteen stage, it sucks.
Thank you! Your so right!!
Thank you! Your so right!!
So did your SD end up coming less often as a result?
What would you do if they
What would you do if they decided they didn't want to go to school any more?
I guess all I am trying to
I guess all I am trying to say is that perhaps they are old enough to make their own minds up. If no one is enjoying the visitation and they don't want to come anymore, I'm okay with that. But again they aren't my children. I stopped seeing my dad when I was 8 because the situation was volatile and that was my choice. We picked up our relationship again when I was an adult and it's great now with him and his family, his wife, his daughter, his step children.
I guess I'm just questioning the need to continue when it feels like no one is happy. Even my baby turns into a feral monster who screams and is constantly trying to get away from them when they are here. He goes back to normal when they are not.
7 and 10 year olds are not
7 and 10 year olds are not old enough to make up their own mind. That is just a fact. Children don't rule the schedule, run the home make the rules. period.
Now, you may prefer they aren't there because their presence is disruptive and annoying. It is your husband's responsibility to ensure that his children behave appropriately and have reasonable rules and boundaries and exectations for behavior. His relationship with them is important to their development.
Do you consider yourself, your child or your husband volatile? is your home chaotic? If not.. why does he allow it when his kids are there? If your home isn't a danger to his kids.. they need to be there.. clearly the parenting they get at the other home must also have some deficiencies and it's not fair for him to shirk that responsibility to his children.
The bottom line is he has a responsibility and obligation to ALL his children to see that they are raised properly and have their needs met.. emotionally.. financially etc..
You should not interfere with his ability to be in his children's life and absolutely should not suggest that they not have their visitation at this point.
I think you are wrong for
I think you are wrong for suggesting for him to stop his visitation because they don't like going over. In fact, that's a huge reason why some men stop having a relationship w/the kids- some problems arise and the new wife pushes to minimize or stop visitation (with the excuse the kids don't want to come anyway) and spineless dads go ahead and give in then fight and parent and get to the bottom of the situation. It gets easier for them to walk away and the stepmoms are all to happy to get rid of them and have their own little family with just DH and their bios.
Don't be mistaken, it is immoral, unethical, completely wrong. You will be instrumental in alienating if you keep pushing for this. Just STOP and don't ever address that again. What you CAN do is suggest counseling for him/them to get to the bottom of the issue. The kids need to know THEY are not in control of visitation, the courts are, period. They must follow it. The courts know the importance of both parents being involved in their kids lives. Unfortunately it seems like your parents let you have adult status as a minor -which is a sure way to wreck a child. It was NOT your decision to make, not until you are an adult.
There can be many reasons they don't want to come by. Pursue that, not helping them out the door and locking it behind you -all to happy to be rid of them. You sound like one of the reasons people demonize stepmoms.
I disagree. I don't think it
I disagree. I don't think it's SMs trying to "push the kids out" or tell them not to come. OP is sounding like she is TRYING to facilitate a relationship. She cooks their favorite meals, spends time quality with them outside of the baby, accomodates his work schedule, etc. I think OP is right. If her and DH feel like they have tried everything, but SKs are unhappy, and so is the whole household? Then what else do you do? No really though? Do you tell SKs it's not their choice, only to cause more resentment and a more hostile household? I don't think there is a magic age when SKs "get to make the choice" but I do think happiness and all-around wellbeing for EVERYONE involved is something to consider. It's not simply, SKs don't want to come. This is what makes blending families so incredibly difficult.
OP: I'm in your shoes. We have a newborn. DH works 12 hours most days. Including weekends. It's the summer so SD11 is home all day. No friends to play with. No real hobbies. She sits in her room all day on her phone. SD asks to go back to BMs early. A lot. DH usually agrees. Why should he force her to stay at our house when all she is doing is sitting in her room... simply because it is "his time"? And he's not even home. YOU have an involved Dad even that seems like he is giving it 110%! I think this is when so many factors come into play. It's not so simple and doesn't mean SPs are pushing kids out of the house. Or telling their DHs to not let them come over. A big part of my SD not wanting to be here is honestly the new baby and PAS (I've posted a lot on here about it). She is in therapy and we include SD in everything we do. If she doesn't want to take part with us as a family, there really isn't anything you can do. Sadly.
Thank you for getting it. It
Thank you for getting it. It's a horrible feeling keeping children against their will! and I think it's a natural response to want to give in to what they want. I really dislike that they are forced and feel like they don't have a choice . I mean it could be part of the problem, if they feel like they have choice then maybe they will want to come rather than feel like it's forced upon them.
It would break my husbands heart not to have them and it would never be because of me not wanting them. I've more than accepted they are here and have entitlements, I just want them to be happy and question pushing it if ultimately they don't want it and if the visits are so unenjoyable for everyone.
wow so your SD is 11 and not interested in her younger sibling? That would be so hard with your DH away at work, that's really sad for the kid isn't it?
I literally sat down the last time we had them and just thought "why do they hate us so much?" Is it just because I exist? Are they always going to hate me?
the flip of the coin is every time it's been Easter or Halloween or some holiday we go all out with them with activities,dress ups etc and it feels like when we don't do anything that weekend they don't want to be here.
my DH would never give up his parenting role by choice. He is one of the best I've seen and he is incredibly fair with me and my role with the kids. Doesn't expect anything but really appreciates anything and everything I do.
I totally agree. Not only
I totally agree. Not only does SD not want to be here, but then it hurts DH feelings. In turn, it stresses me out because of so much negativity in the household.
Sadly, no. SD11 wants nothing to do with our newborn.
I literally sat down the last time we had them and just thought "why do they hate us so much?" Is it just because I exist? Are they always going to hate me?
I have thought the EXACT same thing. And have come to the conclusion YES. I am no expert at all, but I think I've pinned it down. SMs are a constant physical reminder that their Dad is not with their Mom. Just by us being around (yes, existing). Doesn't matter if the divorce was early or later in life. My SD was only 1 y/o when they divorced. She has no memory otherwise. No amount of homecooked meals or toys can ease that sense of "difference". As much as we try.
I feel like (for my SD anyway) she has an immediate resentment towards our newborn. Yes, for simply existing. She has no memory of her parents raising her together. So it must sting when she see both DH and I taking care of our newborn. A constant reminder that she didn't have the same thing. That her parents didn't take care of her together. I've put myself in her shoes, and I can only imagine how hard it must be. I understand the pain, I don't understand the bitterness and resentment towards him. As he has literally done nothing to her. Except be born. And I will never apologize for that.
I have accepted how so much of blended families are out of our control. I hope one day SD can accept us and that a lot of things were out of her control as well. But I won't hold out on it. And that has brought me some sense of peace.
I’m happy for the kids to be
I’m happy for the kids to be here as they are entitled to be. When they constantly want to go home and are crying, it's hard not to give into that if you have any inch of emotion. It's more around pleasing the kids than it is myself. When they mope around and cry, you just want them to be happy.
as many other people have said there are so many factors outside of our influence and household that could be contributing to this. We're not all evil and don't care.
ive said I just want to drive them home but bio won't allow it. I've never actually offered or said to my husband take them home. I've never actually said perhaps they shouldn't come anymore. They have said that not me, I've simply asked in this post if it's common and if other people think they are old enough to make up their minds.
This is the treatment I get for asking two simple questions after spending a significant amount of money, time and effort into making this work. Buying them what they want so they feel like it's their home, cooking them the meals they want that we wouldn't ordinarily eat. Spending thousands on birthday parties for them because their mum won't organise one for them.
Getting them new iPads each because BIO won't allow the ones DH bought that are at BIOs house to come to ours. Buying gifts for them to give to their mother for her birthday. Buying things they want to take home and keep at bios house. Paying their pocket money each week so they have money to spend on what they want. Playing board games each weekend and making cookies and card so they can give their mum something when they return because that's what they wanted to do. Creating outfits for Halloween and decorating the entire property, epic Easter egg hunts, getting them yearly passes to theme parks and taking them regularly. Buying them proper leather school shoes cause their mum buys cheap ones that hurt their feet. Getting solid gold earrings and changing them because she had an infection from the cheap ones her mum refused to change to only have the cheap ones put back in as soon as she got home and ears are still infected. Cutting their nails every weekend cause they are so long and dirty and never get cut. My family treat them equally to my DS and that's more than anyone can reasonably ask. If that makes me a demon then I’ll happily wear the horns.
My DH spends the entire time they are here with them (as he should). We have never got a babysitter or gone out as a couple when we have had them - it’s always 100% dedicated to them.
There's no court order, it's an agreement between bio and DH.
We have discussed councillors and decided against it because they already didn't want to come and my DH felt they would be more resistant if they had to go to see someone during the time we have them. My DH already feels like the fun police because of the extent he needs to correct their behaviour unfortunately. And that could be a big contributor to them not wanting to come because the rules are different and they feel their missing out on what BIO is doing when their not around.
When you do all that and it's still not working and they want to go home, I automatically want to give in to them because that's what they want. It’s a horrible feeling holding kids against their will.
Simple as that.
Kids need structure and rules
not having their every whim catered to.
As what you're currently doing isn't working, why not change tactics. When they start to whine, tell them to cut it out, it isn't allowed in your home without a good reason. Do they have a good reason? Bet they don't. Tell them you want to see them smiling. Stop spoiling them too - it isn't working and it's just money thrown away. Give away the toys before they rot in the garage. And lease stop giving them so much say over your household and your decisions. If your dh wants to take them to counselling, good for him! Little kids don't get to make that decision. Parents make decisions for little kids because they have the experience to do so. Kids make decisions based on comfort not on common sense.
Given you have the Disney home and bm is strict with them, I'm wondering what kind of bad voodoo bm is casting over them just before they come to you.
Thank you
Thanks for that, appreciated