Ever Feel Like Leaving Because of the Skids?
Ranting here.
My SS12 is a good kid. He is very intelligent and gets good grades. He is funny. I feel bad admitting this, but most of the time I just can't stand him. I'm sure it's mostly due to his age and I know it certainly isn't going to be any easier for at least another four years.
As I mentioned, he is funny, but he literally tries to make jokes with each and every sentence that comes out of his mouth and they are often inappropriate or down right mean. A couple of weeks ago, we were at my parents' house and he kept saying to my 6-month-old, in baby talk, "You're a psycho killer, aren't you?" My Mom kept saying in reply, "No he isn't. Don't say that," but he would just continue on. He does things like that to my toddler, too. He'll speak in a sweet voice like you would with a toddler and will say, "You're a scumbag." The babies love him and love getting attention from him, but I worry about negative things like this being said to them over and over again. I will tell SS that there is power in words and he will reply, "I disagree." His jokes are also often sexual or violent in nature. It's fine if he wants to make jokes like that when he's just with his Dad, but I do not want to hear it and don't want my babies exposed to it.
He does not stop talking ever. Ever. Even when I'm working he will talk to me and tell me to look at some meme on his phone that he probably knows I don't think is funny. When I say I need to focus on my work, he'll say, "Oh, sorry," but within 2 minutes, will be talking to me again. Same thing when we try to watch a movie. He just talks through it.
He is also obese and his pants never fully cover his bottom, so the furniture smells awful after he's been sitting on it to the point where I am constantly cleaning it because I don't want my toddler's hands and face on the parts that smell so bad. He lies to me when I ask him if he washed his hands after using the bathroom and then will be touching my babies' faces. When DH tells him to go shower (or do anything at all, for that matter), he has to have the control and will say things like, "I will tomorrow," or, "I will in an hour." I believe this "compromising" and the over eating is a result of the divorce and not having control over that situation. He was just five at the time. When I talk to DH about SS's behavior, he says that we need to be easy on him and give him a break, that he's at a sensitive age.
So much more to say, but I've rambled enough. Soemtimes I just want to end the relationship to get away from this kid, but that is totally crazy and I won't do it. I just feel that way sometimes. Do any of you have thoughts like that?
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Never felt like leaving the
Never felt like leaving the marriage.
Did often feel like leaving the house, so DH could deal with the nonsense of the moment. So I did.
That would be harder with two littles and Covid, though. And ducking out of an occasional SK overload is much different than avoiding your own home.
How is he a good kid? He's
How is he a good kid? He's rude, disobedient, smelly and passive-aggressive. Your DH needs to up his parenting game and also get this kid some therapy.
Being intelligent and getting
Being intelligent and getting good grades does not a good kid make. Don't make yourself feel bad because you don't care for a "good kid" who is in fact not that good.
As is often the case, the problem is your husband, not his child. Why is SS allowed to say things you find objectionable to your kids? Why is he allowed to make inappropriate comments to anyone? Why is he allowed to interrupt your work and your movies? His father should stop worrying about his "sensitive age" and start correcting his behavior and molding him into a likeable person.
What is your husband doing about his kid's obesity? I understand that the kid is 12 and will make a lot of his own food choices, but it is bad for his health to be obese and it likely is not enhancing the rest of his life, either.
I'd focus on the poor parenting rather than the child.
Awesome Advice
With the obesity, I think he is in denial. He always says that SS grows out and then stretches up. I know that often kids do get a little chubby and then shoot up, get tall, and thin out, but this kid has never thinned out from my experience.
Great idea to focus on the parenting. We definitely need to talk about this. SS enjoys making people uncomfortable and that will not help him as an adult.
SS is crazy
And worst of all DH is allowing the craziness. You DH is a teal great parent. When SS gets arrested for something DH will say. IDK. He's a good kid. The neighbor will say. They always knew something was wrong with him.
"He's a good kid." Goes on to
"He's a good kid." Goes on to describe someone nobody would want to be around. Don't feel bad. It's not you, his dad needs to parent him better. It sounds like he deliberately annoys people. That needs to be corrected.
That kid is being passive
That kid is being passive aggressive, and needs to be dealt with directly. Sounds like he's learned that negative attention is better than no attention at all. Keep addressing it everytime he says something like that. Make a fuss and reward him when he's good, make him uncomfortable when he's bad.
Please put together an exit strategy and money to finance it. I apologize for being blunt, but both BM and your H sound pretty low rent and you may decide that your children would be better off reared elsewhere.
Funny men
I have a sad weakness for funny men. X was funny, so is DH and so is SS53. It can be a great thing. SD53's personality makes him a world class salesman.
Two things I've noticed: sometimes they go too far and they use sarcasm a lot.
Hoping your SS can use this in a positive way.
Your SS could be my SGS...Brace yourself!!
This boy is screaming for attention and knows no boundaries. My SGS - now 18 and has had behavioral issues all his life - short for age, obese from antidepressants and eats sugar/carb filled diet, attempted suicide many times taking pills ironically tries to make jokes while talking incessantly... Sadly & tragically, his father DID commit suicide 8 yrs ago but my SGS had exhibited dark behaviors years prior. Honestly, each summer, 10-15 yrs ago - when my SGKids came to spend a week w/ DH & me, I remember locking our bedroom door at night because I sensed some undercurrent in SGS's presence. He has been bullied due to his size & weight but more often he was the Bully (grade/middle school). Sugar sweet outside/scary weird inside with a foul mouth and hates to brush his teeth or bathe. Unfortunately for everyone - a bad sperm pool (my DH/BM), coupled with privilege without consequence resulted in generations of genealogical dysfunction. I thank Jesus everyday for my hardworking deeply loving parents who instilled riches beyond measure in each of their children. Good Luck and search for an experienced therapist!! Immediately!!
Thank you for sharing
Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss. There are so many parallels with my SS. He does need therapy. Unfortunately, BM will make fun of him for it and will prod and prod about what he has said about her. I need to see if we can get him help without her knowing. We have him 50% of the time, so we definitely have time for that.
An true therapist...
Won't throw BM under the bus - they know the consequences ahead of time and should focus only on your SS's self image/fears/progress. Even when BM is a negative or embarrassing influence in his life - he can learn invaluable tools in managing his emotions and help promote personal hygiene with positive feedback. How great would it be for your SS to tell BM "We don't really talk about you"!! Third party mediation can neutralize the struggle at home while creating accountability for SS. Move your family forward and God Bless!