After a month of BM cancelling therapy appointments, they finally met last night (LONG)
Yes, BM has been avoiding therapy ever since last month when the Family Based Therapy team said that they wanted to start meeting with BM, BF and SD all together. She said that SD's schedule was just "really busy". The therapists just think BM's avoiding facing the music. They met at the FBT office instead of in the home. I guess they want it to be on neutral territory from now on? Here's a brief (ok, long!) synopsis from BF.
They started out by asking SD how she was doing. She talked about a math test she scored 50% on. She explained that it was only 6 questions and she'd missed Thursday and Friday last week at school which explained why she'd done so poorly. BF was surprised and asked what had happened last week because everyone but him had already been filled in. Apparently, SD had an anxiety attack in class sometime on Thursday? Wednesday maybe? and BM took her out of school. SD was also out on Friday. Apparently, SD tried to go back to school and made it as far as the circle in the morning but she couldn't face it. She spent Friday with BM going to various alumni events at her grandfather's university. (Sounds like a fun vacation from school to me.)
BF didn't have a chance to address the issue of BM not informing him about this incident. They moved straight on to their treatment plan, ie:
1. That BM and BF discuss parenting issues without putting SD in the middle.
2. That SD not put herself in the middle.
3. That BM and BF work on better communication.
4. That SD work on discussing things openly with each parent without expressing her views through BM or BF.
One of the therapists especially made a point of bringing up talks sh'd had with SD about talking with BF directly and not talking things over with BM and then asking her to present SD's point of view. (I think this is to avoid BM presenting her own point of view as SD's, through SD.)
Then SD was prompted by the therapist to ask BF something she had talked about last week. In a roundabout way, SD said that if it should happen that BF would get "full custody" she didn't think she'd like it. BF told her
that if the custody arrangements should change in any way - and he was careful to point out that that could mean dozens of things - then he promised SD and BM that he would never keep them apart, that there would always be regular contact between them wherever SD was.
BM then interjected and said she was confused. She said that when she and SD had talked about this previously, SD had been much more passionate about it. Also, wasn't SD trying to ask what BF's custody plans were? (No, BM is!) SD waivered a bit and then said yes, she did want to know what his plans were. BF said he didn't have plans as such. Yes, he wanted to spend more time with SD. Yes, he'd asked BM if we could have SD stay for lomger periods at vacation time. He wanted more equitable holidays- Thanksgiving, Christmas etc. He'd like SD to spend more time at her home with us. How and when we might start to achieve all this is to be seen.
BM spat that regardless of what BF thinks, the courts didn't make custody judgements based on "square footage" or the "apperance of the perfect American family with nice children". (Where does she come up with this stuff?!) SD put her hand up then and said that she knew that the court order said BF was allowed to see her on weekend days but not evenings - it was her mom who let her sleep over. (Oh really?) BM joined in and said that from the beginning, before there was a court order, she had allowed SD to visit and sleep over with BF, as long as she "vetted the arrangements first". (Yep, she wouldn't let SD come to her dad's until she inspected the places he lived in. That stopped when he moved in with me. He was banned from even entering the lobby of their apartment building, don't you think he should be able to inspect her home if she's going to inspect ours? Ridiculous.)
Seeing her dad's expression on his face, SD asked what BF thought about what she, SD, had said about the weekend visitation. BF asked her who had told her what the custody order meant. She said mommy. BM interjected "the lawyer". BF said "other lawyers disagree" and left it at that. (I'm sorry, but the court order states only that visitation is from Friday at 5:30pm to Sunday at 6:00pm, nothing more nothing less, which would *imply* that it is a continuous 48 1/2 hours, right? Since it does not explicitly state that SD sleeps over, BM is trying to say it's out of the goodness of her heart that she "let's" her sleep over. Please! This woman is off her rocker.)
One of the therapists suggested that they discuss this at their next session. She also suggested that they discuss this sort of thing with *everyone* in future, not just BM and SD.
And so they ended.
- Caitlin's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Caitlin
Well, that didn't sound like it was very productive! It sounds like she is just trying to manipulate the entire session. That must be frustrating! She is still playing mind games with your Sd. Wow!
Keep us updated please. It is really interesting to hear what crap she's going to come up with next.
Dawn
Caitlin
OOOHHH! This is too scary. This just sounds like what we are getting ready to do.
(Asking for 50% custody, and talking it over with the kids therapist.)
Wow. It does sound as though you all have the rational side and I am sure that SD is secretly wanting someone rational around her.
Caitlin, just curious, Did you go to the session? If not- do you think that you should have been invited? Does it hurt your feelings that you weren't?
Just wondering.
Thanks for the story.
Wifi
(have not had my coffee yet.)
Caitlin here
I don't go to these sessions because BM is insane (not even kidding) and the therapists feel she is not ready to have a productive meeting with me present. Hell, she can't even have a productive meeting without me present, but we all know it would be worse if I was there. At first, I *hated* being excluded, but once the therapists explained their reasoning, I totally understood and my fiance keeps me posted on everything that goes on so in that way, I am included. Also, they have been to our home to meet with us twice so far and we're due for another visit soon.
Just a little background: SD was having some major emotional issues while under BM's care and she even attempted suicide on 3 occasions that we know about, possibly more. After one of these attempts (that BM tried to keep secret) SD was admitted to an outpatient psych clinic who then ordered this Family Based Therapy to come into both homes 2-3 days per week over a period of 9 months to evaluate the family relationships and make some changes to help SD. BM is diagnosed bipolar, these therapists think she may have borderline personality disorder, and she totally screws with her lovely little girl and it just breaks all of our hearts. The therapists *hope* that this therapy will help BM change her ways, but they think that realistically BM is incapable of seeing that she is the cause of SD's emotional problems and that at the end of the 9-month treatment, it is likely that they will recommend to the courts that SD change custody to us. We have never discussed this with SD or BM, nor have the therapists, but BM is no dummy. She has figured out for herself that she is in danger of losing custody so she cancelled appointments left and right for a month and then put SD up to digging for information about our plans to pursue custody. Poor SD is soooo protective of Mommy Dearest that yes, she says she doesn't want to come live with us, but she certainly does cling to our rational, stable, loving family. She is afraid that if she leaves BM to live with us, that BM will commit suicide. Yes, this 11-year-old little girl has told us that she made her mommy promise not to kill herself when she's with us on visitation. :O So imagine if she came to live with us 85% of the time as opposed to the current 15%. Oy.
We are almost half-way through the treatment plan, with little to no progress, just months and months of BM wriggling on a hook, throwing out nasty untrue accusations about BF, continuing to use SD as a pawn, trying to manipulate manipulate manipulate. It's going to get worse before it gets better, but GOD I hope once it's better that we can get a little bit of peace. (Maybe that's too optimistic.)
Wifi, you say you're pursuing 50% custody - how do you think BM will react? Is she a reasonable, rational person? Or more a vindictive mentally-ill control freak like I'm dealing with? Just curious. Good luck!
Not well so far.
My H let her know that he would like to do joint custody a couple of months ago. She said no. That she does not agree to joint custody. She believes the children are better with her for the majority of the time.
But in the parenting plan (that they both agreed to/established three years ago) says that they should both see a "Dr. A" in order to help mediate and intergrate the parenting styles in order to reach joint custody.
They have not seen this Dr. A on a regular basis/they did at first but then it dissipated. But my H is trying to get ahold of this Dr. in order to re-establish the order of Pplan, in order to take the next step.
There are several reasons for his trying to establish JC. One is that the two oldest mentioned it first. They stated that they wished that they could stay with us for a week and then their mom a week and so on.-The youngest one says no way! He does not want to be away from mom at all.
The second reason is b/c the kids have little stability. On the days that they are not with us- Their Grand-parents(his parents) pick them up from school and from there-little rules apply. They do not do homework, eat what-ever they want, and are taken shopping and usually bought whatever they want (sometimes really big ticket items) Their hearts are in the right place but these kids are being brought up in three households instead of the regular two. Then their Mom picks them up 6-7ish and then takes them home. They usually get home b/t 7-8 And they usually fall asleep about 9-10.
The third reason is we can and want to offer more to these kids. I pick them up from school on our days. And bring them right home. At 4:00-Homework first, play second. My H is home around 5:30 and then around 6:30 we have dinner. Almost everytime we have them.
This year all of the kids are averaging below average for the total of the school year- or maybe right at a D+ or C- average. With these kids that is a major disappointment. They are smart and bright and should have no problem with their classes. But they have had huge-HUGE changes in the past year!!!!!
Also-With them all consisnantly being behind in their classwork- the oldest has been experimenting with Drugs and alcohol and this scares my H.
She will fight my husband on this. And I dread it. I really do. B/c I know what it is like to have your parents fight over you. It is horrible. She thinks it has to do with the CS. But I can say it is everything but the CS. She on the other hand will fight tooth and nail b/c does not want to give up the $1400.00 a month she recieves.
In all honesty-We have tried to act with the kids best interest at heart in all of our decisions. We have known each other a little over a year and then started to date, dated for about six months and got engaged. We got married last Summer(engaged since Spring) and did not want to move into a new home until the school year was out.(to give the kids time to adjust) So we just moved into a new home.
But their mother met,dated some guy last Spring got engaged last summer and decided to marry three weeks before us. With in that same month she moved them to a new home. Then a month later she tells them she is pregnant. Then a month later she miscarries. Then a month later she is pregnant again.
Her mentally ill? I do think she had some B-line tendencies. She plays the vicim so well, and I almost believe her b/c she is that GOOD!!! Damn she is smart. She can manipulate like nobodys business.
She can be reasonable but she would never take the blame for anything, and she is the biggest smart-ass I have seen. And she is so clever about not allowing anyone else to see except my H and sometimes myself. She is vindictive and very hateful but then she can be just as nice to you the next time she sees you.
Wow- I just went off on a tangent about the whole thing!!!! HA!!!!
Caitlin I do not think I have it as bad as you do. But I could be speaking way too soon. What have you all done in order to try and change your custody arrangement?
Take care....
Wifi
Wow, Wifi
I enjoyed reading your story. These poor kids need some stability in their life, don't they? Good luck getting back on track with Dr. A. and reestablishing the plan to reach joint custody. I wish joint custody was a possibility for us, but we don't live close enough to BM. We would have moved there if we could have, but my job is over an hour and half away from her town during rush hour, plus the housing market is astronomically out of our price range. We maybe could have afforded a 2-bedroom condo. Barely.
We have done nothing so far in terms of changing the custody arrangement. We are waiting on word from the Family Based Therapy team to see what they recommend because the whole idea was to help BM improve her behavior and only when FBT has determined that she is definitely a lost cause who will continue to do damage to her daughter, will we go to court to pursue custody with their backing. I am not looking forward to this fight. Did I mention that I'm 7 months pregnant? Yeah, I'm looking forward to caring for a newborn and dealing with a custody battle with a lunatic. It is not gonna be pretty.
Update: ooh, this burns me up!
So, BF went to see SD for their Daddy/Daughter dinner tonight and he brought up her anxiety attack because he was concerned. He asked her what happened and she said she had an attack in class on Thursday morning and she didn't know why at the time, but later Mommy told her because she knew. Wanna know what Mommy told her? You might be able to guess - yep, it's Daddy's fault.
Background: Wednesday night we went to SD's spring band concert. Just yesterday in my It's been a while blog, I actually *praised* BM for no drama this time around. Well, boy was I wrong. She always finds a way to mind f@#$k her kid when it comes to us. So, we had to leave after SD's portion of the concert because it was way past our 21-month-old daughter's bedtime and we were fearing a nuclear meltdown. We watched SD's orchestra and didn't stick around for jazz band (which she's not in), but we got to say goodbye to her when she came back to her seat and she was chipper and happy, not a smidge of disappointment on her face as far as we could tell. We didn't get our little one down till well past 9:15pm (bedtime is 7:30) and if we had stayed till the end, it would have been closer to 10pm, which would have put us in a tailspin for the rest of the week as I'm sure most of you can relate to.
So, BM planted in SD's head that she had an anxiety attack in class on Thursday morning because Daddy left her concert early on Wednesday night. WTF?! It's just something that BM invented to add to her list of "proof" to SD that Daddy's new family is more important to him than she is. The thing that is so upsetting is that IF BM hadn't lied to us about what time the concert started, we could have planned accordingly. She told us 7pm and it actually started at 7:30. SD's last concert started at 7pm and we were able to stay for the whole thing so we thought we'd do that again. If we had known it started at 7:30, we would have brought it up with SD so she could have some say in the matter. We would have made arrangements for her Dad to stay for the whole thing and for me and the little one to go home if it was important to her. But as always, it WASN'T important to her at the time, but BM rewrites history and has SD believing that it WAS and we're the evil villains who put SD's feelings last.
This is exhausting.
Advice?
We will be picking up SD in a couple of hours for our weekend. I was thinking of bringing up with her the dynamics of being part of a large family and part of a small family and how it can be different, ie just because we have her younger sibling(s) to consider doesn't mean we love her any less.
I am so sick and tired of BM bashing BF, saying to SD that his "new" family is more important to him than SD is because sometimes we have to make compromises for other family members. Well, there ARE NO other family members to consider on BM's side, so SD gets the sense that the world should revolve around her because BM's world DOES revolve around her. I just want to reinforce to her that she is immensely important to us and we do everything we can to be involved in her life, without sacrificing other family members. We don't put any one child first, we put them ALL first. We went and saw SD's entire performance, we just missed her classmates' performance at the end as a compromise to get her sister to bed at a relatively decent hour. I just feel inclined to do some damage control because all this poor child hears is BM's warped point of view. Do you even think it's healthy for BM to be a constant (and I mean CONSTANT - every school activity, every extracurricular activity, every playdate, everyTHING) presence in her life? This child will never be able to spread her wings with this helicopter mom hovering over her all the time.
Anyway, without saying anything about BM at all, should we bring up our point of view with SD or just drop it? Part of me says, SD didn't even REALLY feel this way at all about the whole thing, BM planted the whole idea to make us out to be villains, so why pay it any mind? The other part of me says, well, SD starts to truly believe the crap that BM plants in her head, so we should do some damage control as often as we can.
I would say something
We have repeatedly told the boys that their new baby brother does not replace them nor will they be loved any less or more than him. Whether or not a person is dealing with an insane BM or one like mine ( who isn't crazy just wants things her way/ I actually just had a nice talk with her to resolve something w/o her & dh emailing a million times as they usually do)I think kids need that reinforcement that they are important.
The boys are very self confident and I know that they know they are loved, but less face it a new baby takes up the time & attention of the parents. Youngest ss was just telling me that when the baby comes I will be a real mom ( kinds hurt me a bit) I however took the opportunity to tell him that I could not love him more than the baby. Only difference is that the baby grew in my belly & he in mommy's.
Your sd has been through a lot a probably the xtra reinforcement will be a good thing for her.
How are the divorce proceedings going? Did you guys find a good lawyer?
BM may have planted it...
but the bottom line is because BM planted it, SD is curious now and probably is a little apprehensive about it to a degree too... think about it. It's all this little girl has known. It's scary when you think that things are rocking the boat a little. She knows her mother is scared, you know she can sense it, and so she will cling to that notion.
So, while yes, it was BM coxing her on, she still probably does have some genuine fears about what is going on... you have to remember that she is just a little girl with her own thoughts and feelings governed by BM. And we all know how BM will react, so does she.
What I suggest is that yes, if the subjects come up, yes talk about it, be positive, be truthful, but don't suggest that you are making any attempts to take her away from mom theme either. Instead, just leave it open, ask her how she would feel about it, and let her have a voice. If she is hesitate at all, address those fears, and ask her why. Be her sounding board. And at most, always address the family, as her family, our family, this is our family unit, and she is a big part of that family unit. Which I'm sure you already do.
I just went through this talk with my SS a few days ago. Now that we have a set court order visitation schedule with SD, she's been in the home on the weekends. Meanwhile, we have mentioned it to SS that SD is going to be visiting, etc. But I don't believe it really sunk in with him.
Last weekend, SS displayed some unusual behavior, jealousy issues, because we have a fish tank that we are just waiting for the fish to die... I'm sick of taking care of the tank by myself... and DH did mention to him about once the fish die, he'll let him have some reptile... I thought, great, another critter that I have to take care of, no one else, thanks... but, over the first weekend, SD was so fascinated with our fish tank, and being that she's not allowed pets at her mom's, DH suggested that they get some fish, simple fish, gold fish, fish we don't care if they die. When SS over heard this, he didn't say much, but I could tell from his behavior that he was not happy about it, confused. The issue arrived again last weekend over something else, and I realized, this was the time to sit him down and talk.
SS and I had a very heart to heart deep talk- which is a rarity by the way. At first, he was upset because SD is getting to have fish, and he was told we weren't getting more fish, and he wants a reptile... but because SD was told she can pick out some fish, he's upset. He also asked if he can pick out some fish, but we told him no... premise was because he already picked out all the fish before SD, it's her turn. Now, I know in his mind that he's upset and jealous. He's had the run of the show for a long time, enjoys being the only child and getting all the attention, but when he goes to his mother's all hell breaks loose and I found out that he's upset about some things that happen at his mother's. I found out that the way she handles some of the issues between all the kids, such as tv, video games, movies, etc is a flip of a coin. In his mind, he thinks it's not fair to everyone, because he says that he doesn't ever win the coin toss. He really got upset with some things he feels is not fair. So, it panicked him to realize that he won't be the only child anymore here.
One of the things that I did was took his hand and took him to his bedroom, I opened the door, and told him to take a deep look around his room, what do you see. He pointed out material things about the room, I then walked him to SD's room, opened the door, and asked him, what do you see. A bed, dresser, night stand... Can you tell me what the difference is between the two rooms? He didn't really know... So, I showed him... books, toys, clothes, computers, movies, games, stuff animals, posters, the list went on and on. It clicked with him, and then I got down to his level and explained that it wasn't our fault that we didn't get to see SD. We didn't choose her not to be in our lives, her mother made that choose. I just told him that it wasn't fair to her that we didn't get to provide to her the same opportunity as we have always provided to him. And yes, for the time being because it is new, we are going to give SD some opportunities now that she never had before, but it's not to punish him, or make him feel less important, but rather that we want her to be a part of our family. Things have changed now, and that we have two children to consider. SD hasn't had the same level of attention nor opportunity as he has, and it's not fair to him to expect that everything be about him, there are times when things will be about him, and then there are times when things will be about her, but for the majority we think of things as a family. And we love him none the less.
We really got to some deep seated feelings, and were able to open the channel. After that he gave me a big hug, and I think he realized that it's really going to be okay.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
We had a lovely weekend...
...but didn't have a chance to discuss this because some other heavy duty stuff came up (I'll try to blog about it later) and it would have just been too much for one visit. Thanks for responding, Sweetthing and StepMom. It's always very reassuring to hear how others handle the murky waters of blended families.
Oh, and Sweetthing, don't get me started about the divorce proceedings! It's been - I don't know, 3 months? - since I got my tax refund to use for retaining a lawyer and we STILL don't have one. Long story short, my fiance has talked to over a dozen lawyers and they're either too expensive ($10k retainer?!?) or incompetent. He's still looking, but with a very heavy workload, a 2-hour commute, evenings busy with SD's family therapy and weekly visits, the demands of our family, etc. it's slow going! I'm trying to be patient.
caitlyn, I was just wondering about you..
I am stunned to say the least still when I read your blogs. Its so sad to me that this woman USES her child to gain control. There is a reason that your man was able to move on and have another life, and there is a reason she is still single and living in the past. Your BF and you in my opinion sound like wonderful people who are really having SD interest at heart. Sad to say that this woman will drag this on for years UNTIL the SD is old enough to break away from Dear Mommy's control. How sad, that this woman does not even realize the hurt she is doing better yet the damamge. The SD will learn on her own about her mom, it will be a few years yet. But it will happen.
I think talking to your SD is a wonderful idea. Maybe talk to her about her mom. nothing mean or bad. Maybe even though you have ill feelings towards her mom on the inside maybe let her know or better yet get her feeling comfortable that you are ok with her mom. If she sees that you and hubby are ok with her mom, the more apt I would think she would be at calming down some. Her anxiety is not from you, or her dad. its all stemming from her mother and her own control and jealousy issues. She is basically her mothers puppet... Isn't that sad?
I wish you all the very best and just know that it may be awhile but it will happen.
Let her know that you love her just as much as you love the two that you and her dad have together and let her know that your family includes her 100% and that your family is not complete when she is not there.
I am so sorry to you and BF and his daughter.
BM is crazy. she is 50 something and nuts.. I am so sorry.
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..