Overwhelmed
I have 3 SKid Currently SD 13, SD11 and a SS8. I also have a Daughter with their father she's 3. At the beginning everything was almost too perfect. Mom is not really in the picture just to be clear she has 6 kids by 4 guys and none of the kids live with her. Anyways i've in been in their life for the pass 4 almost 5 years but the last 3 omg so much have changed. I used to be very involved in everything since i had the baby and was unemployed. I always had rules in my house but nothing crazy just like pick up after youself, brush teeth and shower everyday. But I started working and MIL would take care of them and she started underminding me with almost everything. first MIL started with telling me not to do the oldest hair and if i must do it to only brush it or do a pony tail SD 8 at the time. DH just told me not to waste my time listening to her but she kept at it. Then it was not to force them to take showers. which i never did. I only told them to take a shower everyday. She had the nerve to tell me that she told them that it was ok to just change their underware. OK so i completly dissengaged from my SK. But about three years ago their mom came back in the picture the my SS told mom that i hit him. I would never put my hands on any child because i have a daughter and would never would want anyone to do that to her. My DH dismissed it since he said he knew that it was a lie. Them mom dissappered and only called or seen them once or twice every year.
Now guess who called my DH and told him that my 4 year old nephew was touching my SD11. He has been to my house twice since quarentine and i am there everytime he is there. the time to be hands on because i know how they are. Basically i never leave them unattended and when the sleep i make sure they were asleep (they are scared of the dark) before going to bed myself. my niece and nephew never sleep with any of them. I don't know i am just frustrated. Before everything started i always talked to them on whats ok and not because when we moved in together they didn't know how to take showers and i told my husband that is not ok and i am not giving them showers to teach them at the time SD8, SD6 and SS4. I do not know what to do because now DH believe them but my thing is SD11 is old enough to know what is ok and what is not ok but she is saying she was scared because my nephew 4 kept touching her but i never seen him being inappropiate i only seen him playing with SS8. I don't know i am stressed and tired of all the accusations. This last one really push a button. What should i do? I am so stressed.
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Similar Situation
When I met my husband he had three kids with two different women SS11, SD8, and SS2. The two eldest are full siblings. Anyway, much like you, I went in with full love and wanting to be there for them and eventually the tides turned. Also, the mothers are not present much either. The mother of the two eldest has 7 kids with 6 different men and she pops in and out of the kdis lives. She doestn' have any of her children. The mother of the smallest step son is now more invovled in her sons life but wont take custody of hiin because she can't handle his poor behavior WOW. Losers.
Anyway, IF, and only IF your nephew is doing something inappropriate, he is ONLY 4. He needs to be talked to and behavior corrected. It is not your fault. You can't control what every kid does. Unfortunately, if this is a lie, this is only the beginning of a harder road down the path. When the lies and accusations begin, it gets really tough. At the end of the day, many biological parents, especially the ones where one of the parents is nonexistent and so the stepchild has issues, the bio parent is going to take to the bio kids side. Children grow up and leave one day and husbands should be partners and parent with tough love while being understanding of issues. This is a pretty serious accusation and if you believe it to be a lie, then there is a bigger problem at hand. At 11 the SD should have the basics down of right from wrong and a small lie to a big lie.
Just be very careful. Don't put yourself in a situation where you can be investigaged and your children at danger. This may not be what you want to hear, but I speak from personal experience. It's hard. I know. Protect yourself and your kids. If your husbands respects you and has your back 100 percent, then you are good. If he doesn't coparent with you and lets the stepkids manipulate him, no bueno. Not worth the misery.
Sadly i think that That is
Sadly i think that That is whats going to be happening. He doesn't know how to parent. He lets them do whatever they want. the SD12 moved to MIL 2 on march because i had too many rules she said. I know it is because i caught her a few time on facetime at 1 and 3 in the AM and told DH. I have rules in my house and she got mad because she got caught. anyways DH yelled but didn't do anything to her no phone taken away nothing and that was after i found out she had made a onlyfan saying she was 21 and selling picture for $5 (i only found out because she used my phone and didnt signed out). After that happened and now this. I think i am better off alone with my daughter. Drama free hopefully but with everything going on its going to take sometime to be able to do it.
Strength in your community
That is exactly why I joined this community, I wish I would have known about it for much longer. My husbands daugter, at the time 12, had similar behavior to your SD. She ran away and we found out she was having erotic conversations with boys on social media. To my husband, it's a child behavior. Really!!! I have am similar to you in the sense that I have rules. They apply to my children too, but when you instill them to step kids, you're a monster. Then you become horrible not just to the children, but to your inlaws too.
Again, if you have the support of your husband (i didn't, he never coparented but took my financial support), then you can pull through this. But if your husband does not support your rules, your consequences and has your back with all children, it is NOT going to work.
Yes, it takes courage. It took me almost 7 years but I wish I had done it sooner. Try to think of the peace you will have. Love doesn't win. Not when stepchildren are involved. Being here is helping me cope through my divorce. I love my husband and I tried everything. But my health was being compromised and my emotional being was being projected on my bio kids. So I decided to quit.
Do what's best for you, but find the courage to stick to your true self.
Omg i don't understand why
Omg i don't understand why inlaws behave like that because i used to treat them the same way as my bio in every sense. But it there is always something her and DH say i am too strict and that i have my Bio trained like a dog. MIL only says that because my bio Daughter as soon as she wakes she brushes her teeth and makes her bed. once she play and is done picks it up without winning (I have to remind her sometimes) o also eats all type of foods. It pissed me off. I don't get it at all. But i am not scare of letting her know it works to have healthy rules in a home. Example my Bio Daughter last time i wasn't feeling well picked up the house and made my my bed when i was showering she's was only 3 then. SK not even if they want a sandwich we have to get it for them. DH is the one to clean their room. All they do is be on there phone and tablets.
I think i am better off alone.
It's getting to be toxic relationship and I'ts not fair to my Daughter she's starting to notice the differences between her and my SK.
I had a similar situation.
I had a similar situation. OSD 12 started dressing provocatively, posting inappropriate pics of herself on social media, talking to older men. She became belligerent and disrespectful. I had less rules for SDs than my own son.
At first SO supported me. But then SD left to live with BM because she didn't like our rules. Gaslighted SO saying she left because of me. It caused a huge rift in our relationship because he started to believe it and was angst ridden by her leaving..
Things got better between us as SDs behavior got worse living with BM. But SD boomerangs back and even though I have disengaged completely from OSD. The issues still strain my relationship with SO because he is an ineffective parent.