Help!!!!
I am looking for advice from other step parents!! I am the proud step parent of an 11 year old boy!! The problem is this, his mom turns into hell on wheels when she has him I will give some stories of what has happend.
She BM is constantly telling us she is going to file with the courts because we won't tell her about the kids schooling, mind you she was asked by the standing master if she new how to use a phone? Then we tell her that school pictures are going to be late because the kid came home sick the day of picture day. A month later she sends an offline message to my husband saying she is once again going to file with the courts because we won't give her pics, had to tell her AGAIN that they are late he(kid) has to have them taken before we can send anything.
Then she tells us that she is going to file once again because she has every right to know about his doctors appts, yes she does BUT he has only been to the doctor once and we told her about it. However she failed to mention about taking him to the doc when she had him and had him tested for some b.s. disease. We found out on our way home from picking him up about this doctor appt. from the kid.
Then she will tell my husband that he needs to accept her new man but pitches a fit if I say anything!! Tells my husband that I have no right to say anything about what goes on with her son.
My stepson is an emotional mess!! But his mom says he's not. Even the school has said it. People we have taken him to have said it as well. That is another thing she hasn't offered to help us on any of his counciling. But that's right she isn't working!!
We where told by my husbands kid that it is terrible at his mom's house!! He said that he was told to stay outside in the rain and weed the garden. Mom and boyfriend where inside the house. He was told that the new boyfriend yells at him and calls him names, a little pussy. We where also told that he eats twice a day but usually only once. We can not talk to her about this because everything is perfect in her new house and her son just loves this new boyfriend of hers. But we hear another story.
We don't now what to do anymore!!!
PS....SS lives with us visits mom in the summer. What is with all the acronyms? explain them to me!!
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I know kids can lie, and play parents against one another,
do you think that could be happening in this case? Or do you think the child is 100% truthful in what he says? If your husband and you believe the child is being treated this way I suggest that you go for full custody. That's JMO though. And I have alot of room to talk being that my SD lives through alot of the same and we haven't went to court yet, though it's in the works.
Always stand your ground, don't let her make you feel you have no say. If it includes your life, your money, your husband, you DO have a say. Even if it includes your SS, because he is a part of your DH.
~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~
i agree with stepmomjen
child may be trying to cause trouble. ts common in stepfamilies.
you DO have a say! we stepmoms throw away our lives due to stepkids, therefore, we have a say.
Buggy
I too, think that you might want to try for full custody. If you are taking him to counseling, and the counselor agrees SS is an "emotional mess".... then you may be able to prove the more fit place to live.
We didn't have to go to court here to get SD to live with us. At 14 she indicated she wanted to be with us full time. She was in counseling at the time - for about 4 months by then. The counselors agreed that our home would be better for SD. When we told BM that SD wanted to live with us, and the counselors agreed it is a better environment, she just let the girl come. Because, you know, it would be embarrassing to her to have that come out in court!!
Now, having said that, you would probably have to go back to court to reverse the child support.... so it may come up anyway.
Have you talked with your stepson about living with you? Do you have the room and the capacity to take him full time?
Best wishes to you. I really feel for this boy. For reference, you may want to try reading some of my past blogs to see if there are any similarities.
If there are, let me know if I can help at all!
Welcome
SMJ, EvilbitchSM, Buggy
I think the BM here is more unstable than the kid. The school's standing master asked BM is she knew how to use a phone? The school and counselors have said the child is an emotional mess! BM of course, won't, because she's a freakin' train wreck, it sounds like!!
As far as SS manipulating Buggy and DH - what does the kid have to gain by telling them that BM made him weed the garden in the rain? Isn't it possible that's a cry for help without actually coming out and saying so??
Standing master for the
Standing master for the court. BM tried telling the standing master at a status conference that we will not tell her anything about his schooling, standing master asked her if she could use a phone and if she had one. Weeding isn't the thing that upsets us it's that he did this in the rain, good way for a kid to get sick. He lives with us visits his mom in the summer for 2 months. I have a saying that I will not ask my SS to do anything that I myself am not willing to do. So here he is visiting her for two months working his butt off, he has chores here as well!! He called us the other night and told us this about what's going on. His dad asked him what he had for dinner? Son tells his dad we haven't eaten yet mom's boyfriend cooks when he is hungrey, It was after 10pm when he he told us this.
If she wants to threaten you
If she wants to threaten you guys again about going to court, call her bluff! Tell her ok lets' go. Then make sure you tell her you want full custody of the child. Chances are that will shut her up.
As far as the whole school info thing. I have dealt with that also. Last year I decided to give BM any info regarding school in one nice little email. In it I made sure there was both teacher's emails plus the orchestra teacher's info for SD. School phone numbers, teacher's names, both school's websites. Concert dates for SD's orchestra concerts, when picture days would be, parent/teacher conference days. Every detail possible. I politely told her to save that email because I was only sending it one time and if she needed any info she had to find it herself. And I never got one thank you for any of it. So this year she can go without. If she wants to know stuff, she can ask the kids, DH or find out her damn self. I will not do it again. Actually unless she asks us DH and I do not plan to give her that info. When the kids are sick (which we make sure is very rare) I make them call her to let her know. If they have a doc appointment they tell her themselves.
You know having my SS call
You know having my SS call her and tell her about appts is a very good idea!!
She told us that she emailed the school and they wont write her back, she is going to file with the courts!! She wrote to the school principal. So I go to the school and ask him about this he says he isn't sure, him and I go to his office and he backtracks and finds her email. He says yes she did I told her to write to his teacher, he only has a whole school to run. Then he tells me he, school principle, will write her and give her sons teachers email so she can write to her!! The teacher also gave me her adress herself!! I come home and send her an email giving her the email for the teacher. I asked a couple of time through out the year if she has gotten an email from SS mom? No she hasn't. So then again at the end of the year she BM sends another email to husband saying she is going to file, AGAIN, because of the school, then tells us this again this summer. To which my husband tell her to go for it file away just remember what you where told in the status conference during the custody case.
I get so tired of her telling me that I have no rights to say anything about or any having to do with SS when he is with us for 11 months out of the year.
We don't think he was making up stories about whats going on at his moms. What would he have to gain from it?
we told the school that she
we told the school that she can have access to whatever she wants just if she shows up she can't take him out of the school without us knowing. She lives three states away. Schools legally aren't suppose to get involved in custody cases, per lawyer.
Eating my SS eats at least three times a day and a snack, if you saw him you wouldn't believe it. Chores isn't a big deal he has them with us. What bothers us is that it's in the rain, good way for him to get sick, which he does rather easy!!
Check into your state law about access to records
Just a suggestion, but you may want to check into state law about parental, whether custodial or non-custodial, access to child's records---including school & medical. What you find may suprise you and work in your favor.
In the state of SC, there is a state law that stipulates that a parent, NCP or CP, has the legal right to have access to a child's records for school and medical. This right does not hinge on the CP giving "permission" to the NCP to have access. This is the parent's legal right. This law also states that a parent, NCP or CP, has a legal right to attend school functions, etc without "permission". The only real issue holding a parent back is if there is a court order specifically denying the parent these rights. In our case, there is no such orders denying DH these rights. Thus, he gets access to report cards and visits SD for lunch/events/etc at school. As I have always told DH, if school tries to give you a ration of poo about it, then just slap them with two things---your court order & the SC state law. So far, no school (my SD has been to about 5+ in the past 3 years) has given him any problems about this matter.
I highly suggest you find the "loop-hole" in your state and go around the BM altogether. Have proof in hand when you go, in case the school tries to tell you "no". Plus, don't involve the BM or make her wise to what you are doing beforehand. If the school does cause a fuss, proceed up the ladder---school board next and so on. More than likely though, the school will not want to get into this type of domestic battle and will play along with you.
Take care,
Anne
Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat.
Maybe I am missing something...
It seems to me like you and your DH have the upper-hand in this situation. It sounds like to me you already have primary custody with BM only allowed visitation. Is this correct?
If this is the case then I have to admit you have won most of the battle, my dear. There is no true reason to get all out of shape about BM threatening with taking your DH back to court. Has she done so thus far? If not, let her vent---to the wall. Ignore these types of idle threats.
As far as trying to bend to appease the BM, you do not have to do this in any situation---whether primary custody, vistation, etc. You, your DH, and family live and do what suits you all. Please DO NOT live your lives trying to do exactly what some bitter woman wants you to do. IMO, some people especially a jealous EX will never be happy unless they see that your lives are in complete chaos. Don't live like that.
As far as school information is concerned, I am not sure how you court order addresses this particular issue. If the court order does not address this issue at all then guess what? It's not your DH's responsibility to clue BM about SS's school/issues/events/etc. However, on the flip side, if the court order explicitly states that DH is to provide BM with certain information about SS's school---provide ONLY what the court order stipulates and no more! Anything further BM will have to get off her lazy bum and investigate herself.
Now, as far as pulling weeds in the rain---I have a couple different views on this issue. However not knowing fully your situation it is hard to determine which one applies to you. So I will give you both views:
1. Your SS may be playing the pitiful me card. I only say this b/c my SD--8--pulls this with both BM & us to try to get out of things she doesn't enjoy doing. Funny thing is, the last time she really went overboard with it was with pulling weeds. This is usually a form of "punishment" in our household b/c neither child likes to do this chore. Anyways, SD had to do this in the summertime, which was fairly warm that day (she cannot stand to be outside in the heat). Thus she complained about it to her mom, on the phone, in person, etc. Well, instead of BM saying "You can't make SD pull weeds at your house" b/c BM knows we would just ignore her. BM comes up about a month later and says SD can't pull weeds b/c she is allergic to them (per BM). Even SD came over all happy the next time and danced around saying she can't pull weeds anymore because she is allergic. Hmm, you know what DH did? He explained to SD that what she was pulling out of the ground was actually "grass" and not really "weeds" and he also asked her specifically what weeds SD was allergic to (neither BM nor SD could give specifics). So next time SD got into trouble, she was made to pull "weeds". Guess what? No reaction. No doctor's report was ever given about what SD was actually allergic to. A little background...BM is a complete hypochondriac and is turning SD into one also. Everytime SD lets out one cough SD says "I'm sick".
2. On the other hand, if it's the truth then you could call DSS on her stating that the child is not being well-cared for while he is at BM's house. Be prepared for some backlash with this one. Or you could go to the expense of taking her back to court trying to prove that she is an unfit mother and all visitation must be supervised. Let me tell you though this will be a difficult thing to prove unless you have solid evidence, which is not the word of child, backing you up.
One thing you did not mention, was this just a light summer sprinkle or an all out downpour? I know we, as a family, have been outside and finished up a little yardwork in a light summer sprinkle. There is no real harm in it from the way I see it. If anything it cools us down a little. Sort of like going to a themepark and standing under one of those "misting fans". It's not like I'll melt or anything when I get a little rained on.
Hope I helped you out.
Take care,
Anne
Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat.