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Why don't they talk to us first?

briarmommy's picture

When they change the schedule to suit bm, why don't our SO's talk to us about it first? I'm not saying I would say no everytime but it is my home to and I would like to be consulted....especially because I am my ss's primary caregiver over the summer not my DH. Well because of our schedule, we have ss all summer end of school term to beginning of term, BM gets one weekend in June, 1 week in July, and 1 weekend in August, she is supposed to tell us all these dates before summer starts. Fast forward she said she wanted him the 18th and 19th of June, ok cool I start making plans get my mom to watch my baby over night that sat so that my DH and I can have a weekend togther (he is off weekends). So BM call DH and askes him to switch the days to a wed,thurs,fri.....does he ask me.....no. I was upset because I had wanted some time with him, now the kid will be gone while he is at work 3-11 those days and I won't see my DH. Now when he told me this I was angry and talking to him about talking to me first and that didn't he think I might have made plans? He says, no, I'm sorry I didn't think of that.....BM told him that she had a wedding to go to the weekend of the 18th and wasn't off any other weekend in June to take him, so he thought he had to say yes. First off what wedding do you not know about a month in advance, we made this schedule 3weeks ago? Second I got on her facebook last night(I know someone who is her friend on there) and she was off this last weekend, she spent it with her boyfriend having quality time. If my DH has stood his ground and said no we stick the parenting plan choose another weekend she would have had to choose last weekend and I would have been able to plan some time with him. So yet again BM wins, she gets her quality time with her boyfriend while I care for her annoying son day in and day out and have no time with my DH. I am so sick of him giving into BM its always, "I don't want to argue with her, I let her win the small ones so that I can get what I want" We never get anything we just let her get anything she wants......how is letting her "win" doing anything for us? I would be less upset about all of this if he would at least do me the curtosy of talking to me first.

Comments

meneran's picture

Its worse if he consults you, while EXPECTING a positive answer. If you by some chance god forbid protest about his kid comming over, you are immediately labeled as a hater of his kid.

I dont know whats worse.

briarmommy's picture

Thats the thing though its not about the kid coming over, he is already here all summer, by doing it on the weekend when it supposed to be the kid would actually be away from us less time. I do hate that during the school year though, BM will call and say she has to work on a weekend and DH will jump to get the extra time not even asking me or when he does ask me and I say we have plans then I am the bi**h who doesn't like his kid.

Auteur's picture

Let's see. . . mostly because:

1. they feel it's THEIR and the BM's kids so we should have NO say so over anything to do with their kids (other than provide financial assistance, washing, cleaning, cooking etc.)

i.e. cake and eat it too syndrome

2. they know how we feel about the whole "arrangment" to begin with; their previously enjoyed families dictate what goes on in OUR lives and they want to downplay that. They feel that if they DON'T tell us what's going on or consult us or tell us what's happening IN ADVANCE (more than 5 minutes notice) then we'll just roll with the punches and have less time to put in our "input" (in their eyes "NAGGING")

After all, we should be one big happy family and welcome the little, lack-of-hygiene, rude, disrespectful due to zero parenting, angels for as much and often as possible!!! :sick:

BTW, the more DH gives into the BM on the schedule, the more he is:

1. opening the door for the BM to practice her PAS skills

2. teaching Junior disrespect for him, you and authority in general

3. assisting Junior to PAS out more rapidly and see dad as a wallet and NOT a father.

briarmommy's picture

Thank you, the thing is she lies to him and gets what she wants and that is fine, if I lied to my DH about anything he would pop a gasket.

Auteur's picture

Exactly! Same thing here and the world over.

And that's b/c she's the "golden uterus" and the courts give her ALL the power.

If I did one BILLIONETH of the horrid things the Behemoth did. . . well, let me tell you, GG has been horrible to me in the last year and that is WITH the skids gone. As usual he blames it on me and not his and his ex-beotch's piss poor (complete lack of) parenting.

briarmommy's picture

Ya they blame us or divorce for why there kids act awful. I was a child of divorce and abuse and I listened to my mom and never acted like these kids on here do. It's not divorce or stepparents screwing up there kids it is them, they don't parent. Its so funny to because my DH says how wonderful of a mom I am to our daughter and agrees to all the things I say I want to do for dicipline and sign her up for when she gets older. But I have the same expectations for ss and it means I don't like him?

meneran's picture

This is EXACTLY how it goes in my house. She lies about everything all the time, and he never calls her on it. even though he knows its bullshit. He is all sweet. Her lies even come to the point that she is in CLASS on a PUBLIC HOLIDAY. Like, who would actually believe that bullshit. You cant even buy bread on a public holiday, let alone go to school!!!

If i god forbid would say something that is not true, i am immediately reprimended.

Auteur's picture

"Every time I see a post on here where DH actually grows a pair I want to cheer and do cartwheels"

Hopefully no SM is actually cheering and doing cartwheels b/c I've found that this causes the biodad to "monday morning quarterback"

i.e.

"Was I TOO HARSH with the BM and/or skids???!! If Stepmom thinks I did something right then I MUST be doing something WRONG as she hates my kids!!" And then the proverbial gulty daddy backsliding, apologizing and 180.

briarmommy's picture

This is what I don't get, how can the BM take there kids away? There is a court order even if she said no you can't see your kid, DH could call the sheriffs department and go get them. She can't withhold your children only our SO's giving in can do that. I am sorry you have to deal with this to.

meneran's picture

They are afraid that BM would make problems, and make their kid hate them.

I feel sorry for those men. If somebody can make your kid hate you, then you failed somewhere big time.

briarmommy's picture

I feel sorry that it happens to some of these men on here but it even if it makes your kid hate you now you still have to dicipline your child because in the long run its better for the kid.

Holly's picture

My Dh isn't at all worried about BM withholding the kids - even he admits she can't seem to wait to get rid of them....... he is just worried about how it would 'look' if he said no - how it looks TO WHO? Who else gives a cr*p?

You better believe he has no problem saying 'NO' to me when I want to do something he isn't interested in.... oh well, I guess things will continue to be ever so quiet in the bedroom for the foreseeable future...... }:)

briarmommy's picture

Exactly why does he care how it looks to BM they divorced what she thinks of him shouldn't affect him anymore. What he should be worried about is pleasing the women who live with them.

schicky97's picture

We go thru the same bs in my house. Its sooooo frustrating. I was walking around super po'ed all the time, but luckily I am learning to ignore all the bs. Good for me, but bad for relationship. Do urself a favor, keep ur sitter for the weekend u plamned and treat urself out for awhile.

Auteur's picture

As far as BM "taking kids away from them"

IF DH is an ostrich with head in the sand type, he'll just let the BM run ragged over him. So if Junior, at age 7 "decides" that he doesn't want to come over to dad's house anymore b/c lately things haven't been as FUN as they used to (read: DH decided to try NORMAL LIFE for a change when Junior shows up)

THEN

the BM supports Junior in his "decision"

Several fake excuses are made as to why Junior can't come "family reunion on the BM's side" "Junior not feeling well today" blah blah

And the rest is PAS history!

forever2's picture

Ahhh, a breath of fresh air on a hot humid day. Thank you all for summarizing my experience and daily torture. I feel so alone and stuck until I have the sense to come to steptalk and see that you suffer exactly the same as I do. Its eerie and speaks so loudly to the inherently flawed and impossible role of step parent. Anyway, yes, my fiance is more than happy to scream at me and argue with me and insult me but he won't say a peep to BM. His only peep is "yes, of course, whatever you want, anything for the kid, anything to help you out." And damn right, the fact that he is fine to ruin my summer and my life to keep her absolutely satisifed and happy is a permanent thorn in my side. Our custody is supposed to be 50/50, BUT BM can't be bothered to get skid to any summer activities on her days and can't be bothered to pick him up, so fiance who wants something more than a chubby kid sitting on his ass all summer getting fatter, changes his entire schedule and says to BM, SSSUUUUURE, no problem, drop him of here everyday of the summer. We will get him to his activies. We will pick him up (we will look like lazy slackers wandering into work at 10am!). He can stay in our house after his morning activity, messing it up and eating through our food. SSUUUUURE, no problem at all. Did he ask me? NO, of course not. He tried to slide it into a casual conversation, that this was the plan for the summer, like no big deal. Its a huge f--ing deal! And as you have all stated so brilliantly, when I claim my right to my home, my privacy, my peace, my summer afternoons free of seeing BM's ugly face as she drives up to collect her boy-clone, I am a horrible person, a skid-hater, a selfish bitch. I get to hear the entire lecture, yet again, about how I got involved with a man with a child, and I should have known....No actually, I didn't know that a man with a child meant a man who had his balls sitting in a jar on his ex wife's mantle. He has this speach, not the brilliant I Have a Dream speech, but the pathetic I Have a Child speech that I get to hear everytime I ask for a little respect and consideration. "I have a child." "I have to be a father." To which I say...usually to myself, do you not have a fiance? Do you not have to be a loving considerate partner? As if that ever crosses his mind. The only person he is a willing partner to is that psycho ex with, as a previous poster perfectly described...the golden uterus. The other night, after another futile fight that I can never win, he asks me..."how can I look into my son's face and tell him he can't be in our home?" Really, sounds sad and pathetic doesn't it? Well, try explaining to the kid (who is 12 and old enough) that the agreement is 50/50, that he has a mother who should care for him and want him and participate in his activities too...and duh, if my fiance really wants to know how he can look at his kid and tell him he isn't welcome....just ask BM, she does it everday without a second thought.