H and I just had the epic blowout over his kids that we should've had for a while now, but just didn't feel like dealing with the conflict. I'm pretty sure this is the worst fight we've ever had. There were a different kind of fireworks this 4th of July and they were centrally located in my house while the skids were out in the truck waiting for H to take them 4-wheeling. A trip I was planning on going on until H turned into a complete and total asshole.

Basically, he got pissy because I'm never nice to his kids, which is something he's been pissy at me for previously, but before I usually just shut down and don't speak to him for days. Today, I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I told him he may as well take them himself because I didn't want to hear all the screeching, fighting, yelling, silliness, complaining and bullshit today. I then said, "It's funny how I don't even say half the nasty things to them that you do, but because they're half your DNA, I'm the bitch step-mom when I don't think their bull crap is funny, and it's okay for you to say mean things to them because their yours." Of course, what I heard from him is how much they've changed, I'm not giving them a chance, how if I'm giving up on them, I'm giving up on the marriage, how I always say nice things about my friends' kids but never about his (this is because my friends all have well-behaved children and he does not, but I've said things about my friends' kids before that haven't always been nice)... I told him that no, they haven't actually changed at all in the 8 years that I've known him (and if they have, it's been for the worse), even though he keeps saying they have and sometimes it takes an outsider to point it out, and that he does exist separately from them, they are all individuals and just because I fell in love with him, doesn't mean I fell in love with his kids. Then he started in about how we can't give up on them, and I said I was tired of fighting everyone about it. Fighting their BM and her mom who let them get away with murder, fighting my in-laws who pretty much think they're the skids' parents and treat them like babies, and I'm also the one who actually follows through with H's threats of consequence because he'll just make empty threats until his face turns blue, thus I've pretty much been doing all the work. I said I'd been shutting down and keeping quiet because I didn't want to be part of the whole thing anymore and I didn't want to ruffle any feathers with his family, but I've had enough.

I said short of cussing people out basically, I'd been trying everything and nothing has worked. I tried suggesting a positive reinforcement plan...enforced by me, but not by H. I tried getting mad at them, H tells me I'm never nice to them. I've tried writing out rules and consequences and putting them on the fridge (which was recommended by their behavioral therapist the whole 3 sessions they went before BM gave up on taking them and H didn't argue with her about it). Again, reinforced by me, not H. I guess he just likes yelling and being angry too much to ever change himself. Change is not something anyone in his family does well, I don't know why he should be any different, but I come from a long line of compromisers, too, so I've probably let him get away with it for too long. He said he was trying to make everyone happy and that no matter what, he was always wrong in everyone's eyes (an argument he uses frequently), and I finally said I didn't think at least two or three of the parties should even be considered in whether or not they're happy with what he does with his kids. (Those parties being his parents, who he himself regularly admits are a major problem when it comes to his kids...I'd say his ex-MIL, but they actually live with her because BM still lives with her, so actually she should have a say, and she's sick of them too). I said maybe they needed to be reminded that they're not the parents by not letting them see the skids for a while after they get back from South Dakota until they remember who is really in charge. Then I remembered that BM loves to pawn the skids off on H's parents whenever possible, and I said I couldn't control what she did, and I couldn't control what he does with them, but they're not my kids, therefore they are not my problem, and that is how I'm going to cope with it from now on.

He asked me if it is really that terrible with them. I told him I was basically at wit's end, so yes, it is that terrible, and I'm giving up, because what he loves to forget is that I also deal with this 40+ hours/week because I teach Head Start, so it's like coming home to more work. I told him I was trying to figure out a different career path so I could get it together and maybe start being less stressed out about the skids (I've been wanting to change careers anyway since I no longer get any enjoyment from children and I don't actually teach anymore as much as re-direct problem behaviors), but until then, I have to opt out. He basically saw that I wasn't going to bend, so he stomped out of the house, slamming the door behind him and then took his devil-spawn 4-wheeling, and I'm quite sure he'll take out our fight on them. I'm 100% sure I'll be accused of ruining the 4th of July, and I truly don't care because I've had it, and there are worse holidays to ruin than the 4th. It's not like I did this at Thanksgiving.

So who knows what will happen when he gets home from the rest of the day, because he'll have dropped the skids off at BM's house before he gets home. I guess I've decided today is the day to say everything I've been wanting to say, but haven't becasue I've not reached my breaking point until now. I doubt anything will change really, and truth be told, I'm kind of fed-up with H himself, regardless of whether his kids are here or not, so maybe I'm kind of hoping if he sees that I'm disengaging and thinks it's me being unsupportive, he'll maybe want to leave. That would probably make my life overall much easier.