For the last few months, I've been SUPER irritated with H. His negative, defeatist attitude, not to mention his ridiculous temper, have officially made me not want to be around him anymore. Christmas weekend was awful. After screaming at the absolute top of his lungs at the football game (not like regular guys, spit was actually flying out of his mouth as he was yelling and his eyes were all crazy), he comes upstairs ranting. Then, he was looking for tape to wrap SS's presents (which I maintain they do not ever deserve since they're spoiled brats), there's no tape. He goes back downstairs to watch the game. Really? You're not going to go get tape from the store. After more yelling, I decided to leave. I didn't tell him where I was going, when I'd be back, nothin'. I got tape only because I had to wrap my family's presents. That's it. I go down to the basement only to wrap presents, I didn't talk to him, I'm pretty much crying at this point because I'm so sick of hearing him yell at stuff that makes no sense (a red light elicits an exasperated sigh and usually an f-bomb or two...every time...every...time...and I'm not exaggerating). We've been together almost 8 years, and I've officially had it. He complains about EVERYTHING, nothing is ever okay or good enough, he will find the negative in every situation, guaranteed. It's genetic, his father is the same way, and SS12 is worse than both of them put together. I'm beginning to doubt that he'll ever change.

Also, there's the matter of his two semen demons. SS12 is such an old lady, I swear my Jewish grandmother who has dimentia complains less than he does. SS10 is a total flake and a half. The two of them will fight about anything and everything. Literally. All I hear in my house is screeching, from the time they come in to the time they leave. If they're not yelling at each other, DH is yelling at them. Or they're all three yelling at each other. It's not nice yelling, either, there's, like, name-calling, swearing, you name it. I tried to detach, but these two brats from hell need a firm hand...something DH THINKS he provides but actually doesn't, leaving me to do the dirty work since he won't and I simply won't have bratty children in my house. This makes me the bad guy, naturally (funny how I'm the ONLY person the skids listen to INCLUDING both their parents and all of their grandparents). He's said many times that he gives up on trying to raise them right because BM will just fight him every step, so what's the point...I think it's because raising kids is hard and he doesn't want to do it (which is why I won't have any of my own). Today, after giving SS10 a verbal lashing for making a mess in the kitchen, I made one comment about how this always happens, and he snapped at me that I never give them even an inch to mess up. Really? Because I'm not the one who not even three minutes before f-bombed my own child twice. I left, that was it. Didn't tell him where I was going, when I'd be back, I made sure to slam the door behind me. I only came back because I needed to shower as I went to the gym for about 2 hours to blow off and I forgot street clothes and shower stuff, then tried to think of 100 other things to do that would keep me away from home. After I got back, I locked myself in the bedroom for the remainder of the day...and there was more and more yelling. Including at the football game, which I had just told him not two weeks ago that it gives me major anxiety when he yells like that. Also it's not classy since I'm SURE all the neighbors can hear it.

Obviously he doesn't feel the need to take my feelings into account at all, even though we've talked about it, and not changing whatsoever is also genetic with him. I know marriage is full of compromise, but the only one compromising is me. Apparently he thinks I'm like his mom, who just shuts up and puts up with his dad's crap, but I'm not, I WILL leave if things don't shape up. I doubt if he'll think I'm seriously thinking of leaving until I actually don't come home one night. My mom told me to go spend the night over at their house, but I don't want to do that since I don't like putting my crap on them and infringing on their awesomness that is being empty-nesters. I know they don't mind, they have 2 guest rooms, but I do. I'll suggest therapy, but frankly, he'll either say we don't have enough time or money (or both) because that's the excuse he always comes up with when he doesn't want to do something. Yet when it's something he wants to do, we magically can afford it. It's not like I fear him or anything, he's never been abusive physically, verbally, otherwise, and probably never will be, but I seriously don't even think I love him anymore and he's bringing me down SO BADLY. To the point where being at home is actually more stressful than being at work sometimes...and I work with at-risk youth. Ugh, sorry to vent.