Intuition ...not a good thing.
Here I am again, struggling with "the past." I don't know about you but I need to see the whole picture if DH tells me a story. If I don't, questions start swirling in my head.
As you know my DH visits his teens in his exes house once a week...(That's not the issue...doesn't even matter why...he does it.) Anyway, I always had this problem (insecurity maybe) that I didn't want him to still pretend it was his home..I didn't want him privy to her things...her food in fridge, using her personal bathroom off the bedroom...blah blah...(I know it's stupid). He assured me the apron strings were cut...he's just there for the kids...
Anyway, todays nonsence is that I just found out that when we we engaged last year, while he was visiting his kids...he did his taxes on the ex wifes computer. I am not happy about this. 1)We were engaged....Why wouldn't he have asked me to use MY computer to do them? 2) Why didn't he even mention it to me last year on his way home when he talked to me...
and 3) if he is there to see kids...see the kids...don't do your taxes!!
I know the answer is a simple one - he did it out of convenience...and he knows I might have not been happy because I believe in "boundaries" but that's not good enough. I think my DH wants his cake and eat it too. He doesn't have any regard for my feelings at all....I don't trust him anymore and don't know how to proceed.....
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Frankly
I wouldn't be happy with that arrangement if it were me. I do not understand why he visits the kids in her house. He should pick up the kids and take them out to dinner, doesn't have to be an expensive place, but take them somewhere to see them. I have forgotten how old the kids are? And doing his taxes on her computer, my BF doesn't want his ex to know any of his personal business, and I would think taxes would fall under personal business. Sounds like they are too chummy! Yes I would say, he wants his cake and eat it too!
Just my 2cents.
V
focus on big issue
Bonus Wife, after following all that's been going on with you, I think you are probably right. But, if it were me, I wouldn't raise it as a separate issue that needs pointed discussion; the overall issue remains the same, which is that he shouldn't be treating anyone's home other than yours as home, and esp. not his ex's home. You two are already trying to deal with that issue, and I think you would do better if you focused on that overall issue. My DH has a field day when I argue about specific incidents/details--he looovvvvesss to characterize my arguments in their most hysterical, irrational incarnation so that I look like a nutcase; even if we both know we're really talking about a bigger issue. I say stick to the big picture. My two cents.
And I totally feel for you. These type of incidents can really prey on your mind. Chin up, square the shoulders, friend. We're here.
Thanks
You are sooo right...All I feel is that he has two lives....and that he is not quite divorced from her completely. The sad thing is I am not a nutcase...I am an understanding person. I don't care if he gives her a ride home from parent teacher night....just don't do it manipulatively (on her part) and don't not tell me (his part).
Does he think theres anything wrong with borrowing her car ? NO...Yet if I reversed it, I'd NEVER ask my ex to borrow his car, or vice versa and we ARE friends...So I can't figure this one out. I really can't. But yes...they are too chummy although in his head he doesn't think so at all because there is no emotional attachemnt to her!!! I'm going out for a liquid lunch. I'm sure he wouldn't want me to sit at a bar for my lunch hour but if he doens't have regard for my feelings, should I care what he thinks?
My New Resolution....
Thats true Fearless, I don't feel heard. In any case, Dh swears he is going to try again....we discussed that the reason we have a "Pick & Choose Marriage" (he decides what to tell me, based upon how he "knows" I'll react.) is because either what he tells me will hurt my feelings (which it will if I feel as if he is still behaving like he's her husband too) or he knows his or her behavior is wrong (like being dependent on anything from the other, other than kid things..)and I'll flip my lid and he'll have to deal with my wrath and hostility.
But, the truth is I can't control what he does or tells me and I feel so drained at this point. I told him - if he wants to continue to lie to me, and have a facade of a marriage..I will pretend he is an honest man to me....and let God deal with him when and if he gets to heaven...(LOL) I just have to let this go. My screaming isn't working and I can't keep wondering in my head...is there more to the story I don't know....what else does he do in that house that he won't tell me....Am I naive? Do you think he still eats her leftover food too since he's there at night after work??? Should I somehow manipulate it so I can find out stuff through the kids????? (That's really not my style.) Is any of it even important? Maybe I can somehow change my way of thinking so I feel it's okay that he eat her food once a week..Who cares?
For right now what I decided to do like a few other gals do is just not give a crap anymore. I am going to try to be a stepford wife and just use my library voice....Hmm let me practice...."oh that's nice dear."
Oh well. Who knows if it'll work...gotta try something else.
thanks for listening.