It just occurred to me that I have two worlds; and therefore a World War.
The worlds are in a war but only some team members are soldiers the rest are mostly just residents. Some residents have acquired Visas and travel between the worlds, the soldiers of course only have conditional visas for short term visits as they usually unload and leave with out with assistance.
Most step parents and blended family members can relate.
My problem is that this World War is tiring me out and even though I win a few battles here and there the War is there in the background of my life, like the tide it comes in and then goes out, only to come in again etc etc.
After my divorce I moved in with my Partner, I also work for/with (depending on his mood ) him and manage the Office. I lived in his house with my two youngest children then aged BS14 and BD16 and his BS14. This was about 50-50 in terms of happy family and blended family tension. After my BD turned 18 she fled.
After the second horrendous argument in a month my BS moved back in with his BF.
The tension in World Two became so unbearable because I felt I was deserting my children, I felt I was an able to be a mother to my kids, I was spending more time with my Partner's kids than my own. I was miserable, I missed being able to be with my kids.
With the help of my Partner I bought a house, an investment property, but as the time drew closer to closing I felt my desire to have my own space grow and grow.
Thoughts were: I could have my kids around me again, I could have my family visit me (they only came out to my Partners house once in 3 years)I could have my old world back, World One. I could have a say in what I wanted, make decisions, my kids could feel at peace when visiting me. I would be more accessible to my daughter who just had a baby and was in a bad relationship.
All this was only a temporary situation, I could finish my kids off properly, I wouldn't be deserting them for my Partner's World and his house/farm/kids/business.
I still feel this is a temporary situation for me, for the next 16 months. My Partner has no desire to marry me, no desire to commit tangibly to me. He can be very generous and loving but then also very angry and insecure. He confuses me. I enjoy working with him and the challenge of building up the company, my salary package is healthy but when I moved out its had a huge affect on him. Naively I thought I could do this "move thing" and maintain World Two. But between the soldiers and the weakness of human nature and lack of trust its WAR all the time.
I've traded one sad situation for another, but the mother in me is satisfied, not happy but I can live with myself now.