Exhausted from this crap
SO decided last friday that I can no longer fully move in at the end of this month. I haven't actually slept at my own place since last September. He wrote a 9 page paper including our text messages the past few weeks and made copies for our counselor. Good!! She can explain to him that I am the most understanding level headed person alive. He cried later that he's trying to save our relationship. After reading over his paper it is plainly obvious that he refuses to accept his parent child obsession and problems in step families and lack of putting boundaries around our date nights etc and his temper and extreme defensiveness have anything to do w the arguments I supposivrly cause. Last week the day before he decided I'm not moving in I went our w friends came hind happy without him having had anything to go w putting the smile on my face. I think that was a harsh reality check for him. I feel like this is my punishment and I don't really cadre too much st this point bc he's punishing himself. I was pretty upset over the weekend and now I'm ready to have done peace. Yesterday I had some minor surgery and was very uncomfortable he came to get me so he could make sure I wax alright we went w SS8 to get some food. I could tell right away SS8 was pissed. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and later asked SO if SS8 had been given a lecture or something of got in trouble before picking me up and he said no. He asked why and I told him some of the behaviors. That I'm sure maybe he was just tired or something ha. SO was pissed at the kid. He atleAst is finally getting it mom matter how nice I am it doesn't matter. Me being nice or engaging doesn't equal kid being nice.
I'm sure the kid prob thought he and dad were going to go back to being a couple again bc I wasn't home.
Which is exactly what I fear that this battle is going to be worse after I return and we work on more things in counseling including SO's defensiveness and the part he and the kid play in the mess of things. Later he told SS8 "bluehighlighter is not feeling well. You're going to he nice to her. Got it?! Do you understand me?!"
Maybe if I'm gone for a while SO can realize my attitude and behaviors do not control the outcome I am not to blame for all of the problems in our relationship. I have my parts I need to work on also but I'm not going take responsibility for that which I can not control.
Also I learned that bitchy wife of his friend has at every chance when I'm not around told him I'm insecure and dramatic (none of which she has ever seen) and that we aren't right for each other and a host of other personal attacks at my character. While then later smiling in my face and I citing me to do things then I guess she decided that wasn't good enough do dhe flipped out on me Friday before our counseling via text telling me all kinds of nonsense that's wrong and none of her business.
I told SO. And also let her know " Just know that SO and I will be living together. Eventually we will be getting married and having a family. You're a big part of his and SS8 life so you can be a supportive friend or not but I will one day be his wife. And SS8 official step mom. All that's in progress I'm not going anywhere. Hope you have a great weekend SS8 is not a victim we spent most of last year making sure he was ok. He is ok and will be. So will I and SO"
She later apologized via text which was I assume her husbands doing.
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Comments
I would strongly advise you
I would strongly advise you to decide that YOU do not want to move in with DH and hot foot it back to your own place, at least for 6 months while you pursue counselling. I was in your situation for a long time - living with my then BF while retaining my own house. Despite ridiculous rows and behaviour from him over his children I thought it would be quitting to move back out, that we would make progress if I stuck it out and he would eventually see reason.
I was wrong, it's not quitting to make a strategic withdrawal and can give both parties time and space to work out what they really want, and work on the kind of communication and agreements that really need to be in place BEFORE you try and bring a new adult and children together in a home. I think moving out would have forced DH to really consider his position and enable changes to bed in initiated by him not pushed by me, and would probably have achieved it in a much shorter time than was achieved struggling through day to day on the rollercoaster of bioparent/stepparent/biokid tensions. The trouble with trying to sort these things out in a co-habiting situation is that it's much harder for both of you to have clarity and distance, and it's easy to end up in a negative cycle of assumptions and frustrations which end up making every row follow a self-fulfilling course. There's nothing wrong with saying 'ok we tried living together, there's some major problems, let's step back and work out what those are and how we can address them, and then try it again'.
Thanks.
Thanks.
So this guy thinks you are
So this guy thinks you are the cause of all the world's ills AND it sounds like he's having an emotional affair with another (MARRIED) woman?? His kid is an ass to you with no real consequences and you still want to marry this guy?
WHY?
I know how it sounds this
I know how it sounds this lady and he are far from interested I. One another if anything she's interested in keeping her place as the child's only significant female mom figure. She and her husband (who has known SO since college and is friends w him only his wife just inserts herself where she's not wanted )
What is going on that you're
What is going on that you're CHOOSING to live with this much stress???
IDK
IDK
Why are you begging like a
Why are you begging like a mange laden mongrel for whatever scraps of a relationship this man is willing to throw your way? And why are you even entertaining, let alone engaging in and DEFENDING texts from the wife of one of his friends berating your relationship?
No offense, but my god this sounds like petty high school stuff! Grow Up! Grow a backbone where your wishbone is!!! Tell your BF to get his shit together, and when he does that MAYBE, just maybe, you'll be back at your place and on the market. Or maybe not. His choice.
Wow you are really not seeing the forest for the trees.
She's on of the only people
She's on of the only people who over the years has helped him out w childcare. Her daughter and son are friends w him and she thinks she can assert her "all knowing mommy crap" over lots of their friends relationships.
It still is a boundaries
It still is a boundaries issue. He is not protecting the (proper) boundaries of your relationship.
yes I thought he was
yes I thought he was understanding that from all my damn explanations but he is dense we went over the WORD "boundaries" and what the hell they mean and why etc. Even in relation to how SS8's child psychologist says that SS8 needs 10 minutes of *special time* which is uninterrupted 10 minutes of them doing an activity.
I asked him what has he found that happens when SS doesn't get special time? What starts to happen with him and SS and then made him tell me why he thinks that SS prob needs this time with him, what does the kid get out of it... etc
Then how that relates to "bluehighlighter's special time" LOL and does he see a theme in boundaries and how they affect relationships
UGH - yes you are dead on the money
and boundaries with this stupid lady - she has that problem regardless of who she's speaking to, always needing to be in the middle of everything whether anyone ever asked her or not.
After reading the sad and
After reading the sad and sometimes tragic stories on this site I have come to the following conclusion. Some men are not partner material. They cannot differentiate between being a spouse/ partner and being a parent. So these guys should man-up and admit that they are with you for a good time and not a long time and let you make the decision to walk or stay.
Blue, this man is not ready for any kind of relationship with another woman that involves his son. If he cannot make it his life's work to change his son from a sniveling little self absorbed dick into a good citizen who is civil and polite to all then he would be one fish to throw back.
it is not your job to 'work' with the boy. It is his father's job to make sure spending his life with you is enjoyable and relaxing and in all conflicts you know 100% he has your back.
You won't 'lose' or retreat. You sit back and give him till Christmas to make his home more accepting of you. I cannot think of anything worse than coming into a home where there is instant opposition and defiance. Your parenting styles will not ever merge. Just stay where you are and give it time. It is not up to you to become a pretzel to make this man happy. Please do not proceed with this move.
ThAnks.
ThAnks.
You start out by saying he
You start out by saying he said you can no longer move in. You end saying you TOLD him and the crazy woman that you will get married and have a family. How can you make such huge leap?
This man isn't ready go have a live in girlfriend. How heck is he going to deal with a wife????
This man clearly isn't ready for the type of relationship you're looking for.
I told him tonight that the
I told him tonight that the harsh realities of this new set up are that I was and have been very happy alone for a long time before he was in the picture and all though I love him very much after all of this he would be very naive and I wouldn't be very honest in not saying that I could easily slip back into my own loner world of my friends and work.
I didn't want to be a quitter
I didn't want to be a quitter either.
I bought all that bullshit about everything will work out and we'll be a team and all of it.
I have been shit on, lied to, lied about and used as everyone's captive plaything(think relational aggression)in the name of so called family who get all pissy if I have the gall to politely excuse myself or rudely escape their attacks drama and manipulation.
Pack your shit and drive it like you stole it it never gets better I've been in this stupid mess for 15 years now.
Seriously. Get out while the getting is good.
I'm sorry that happened to
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm gone. AtleAst for a good few months. I told him it was over. To grow up
yea no kidding other than the
yea no kidding other than the book Stepmonster everything is about catering to the child and letting yourself be a punching bag. would've thought someonw else would've realized all that before now.
Thanks for all the responses.
Thanks for all the responses. Last night after SS8's glee club performance his Bio mom side Grandma (who's the most angelic awesome person ever) took SS8 home with her for the night. SO took me out to a nice dinner and then dropped me off at my place. We talked for a while. It is extremely frustrating that he is just now working on himself but I know that when he puts his energy into something and doing something he becomes obsessed with it and will make charts, notes, all kinds of stuff to put in the work to figure it out. That's what he said he's going to use his time away for, to study defensiveness and to dig into why he gets defensive and how to not do it. That he wants to save our relationship and that's the only way. That i should be having more peace and wants me to have fun while he works on himself for us. I'm pissed but I also know that he is actually trying and if he says he's going to work on something that is what he will do. We still have some counseling appointments coming up. So I'm going to go on about enjoying my life knowing that I'm not crazy and hopefully he gets his shit together. If not I will move on, life is short. I'm getting older and I can only waste so much time.
ALSO I pointed out that BM's mom and stepdad are two of the biggest advocates of our relationship... that that should say something to him. Biograndma had just SO and I take a picture together (in front of SS8) I love this woman. She said "let me get a photo of ya'll while ya'll are still pretty so I can put it in a frame at my house" Sending the message to SS8 that we ARE a couple and we ARE a unit. She's smart. She had to go thru hell herself and I'm thankful for her. She's a great woman even if she is the devil's mom.
Thanks. We aren't married
Thanks. We aren't married yet. It's just a picture of me and SO. I think she knows her grandson while he loves me (as she has reported to me just how much he talks about me or atleast did last year when we made everything about him) that he causes some trouble etc. She is a very supportive person I think she really sees me for who I am which is not the same person her daughter is sadly. I think she has a bunch of mental health problems that may have skipped a generation. While that is all very sad her mom is a wonderful person and the step grandpa has no dog in the fight they just both want what is best for the family. They treat me like family and I'm super thankful it makes that part of this way easier.
They weren't allowed to be in their grandson's life as much when his mom was around (the whole 2 first years of the kids life) and after that they tried to help SO out some with picking him up from daycare or something if he was running late etc. I take their opinion and treatment of me as a very high compliment. Should we make it down the aisle one day I wouldn't mind having them front and center with our parents as important people in our life that are supportive of us and our family. I hit the jackpot with the two of them.