Oh what the hell...Venting after last night...
So...after last night's fight (look at previous post for the bs story) I calmly asked DH what I should have said and how if how I said things yesterday wasn't good enough or was wrong. He says that I need to watch how I say things sometimes. I said "ok, tell me how I should say things then." (no attitude, or passive aggressiveness)
His answer, "well I'm just saying in general that you need to pay more attention to how you say things.."
Wtf????
I stayed quiet for a bit.
Then I asked, "is there anything else that I'm doing wrong that I need to improve?" (still no attitude, just calmly)
He thinks for a moment and says, "Well, you've changed a lot from when I met you...you're not the same, you've changed a lot."
My chest and stomach start to ache but I dare to ask, "Tell me how I've changed..."
"You don't really ask me nicely to do things anymore...it's more like you demand them. Like I'm supposed to just do stuff...like its expected of me to just do things ..."
By the time he finishes, my chest and stomach hurt a LOT, the palms of my hands itch, tears are in my eyes, and I'm breathing heavily trying to control myself.
Does he really have no idea how selfless I am with both kids as well as with/for him??? Does he really not have a clue as to how more important everything else may be other than watching HOW I say things and to make sure I'm not DEMANDING instead of asking nicely??? I'm sorry but I don't quite agree with that. I don't think I'm very demanding (but of course I'm being biased because I'm talking about myself) because I'm my biggest critic. I'm not the best mom, stepmom, daughter, sister, wife, or person but I sure as hell try my best to do what's best for EVERYONE.
I was quiet for a while before I just stood up and left to our room.
He's left to work without saying bye to either BS4 or me. He texted afterwards saying that he was sorry he left like that, that he was running late...I'm actually glad he didn't come back to say bye to me, he wouldn't have wanted to hear me say I was upset and hurt and didn't even want to see him.
He thinks every time I tell him maybe he should let SD stay with MIL after school that, its because I don't want to take care of her. In all honesty, I don't but I do it for the sake of his sanity and for SD's well being as well as for our overall relationship. But if he thinks all that about me...maybe it's just not meant to be...he doesn't sound like he's very happy...and I've obviously changed so...I've threatened to leave him before, even packed my bags and he remains calm. Like he doesn't care. He's said if that's what you want to do, I'm not going to stop you and no one is kicking you out.
No ones kicking me out but, if you dont like how I do things, say things, and how I've "changed", then what else is there?? Seriously...
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That's another thing K! He's
That's another thing K! He's changed too but I don't tell him that I don't like it wtf! I know that we're married and we have to make the best of things, for better or worse, isn't that one of the vows??? I don't know what he wants from me...perfection isn't in my genes, sorry...
From your last post, I'm not
From your last post, I'm not sure what exactly it was that you said that wasn't ok. After all, he's the one who said you were a stubborn bitch. If he's willing to let you leave just like that then do it. Maybe not forever, but do it for a week. Have a little mental vacation with you and your kids. Let him see what it's like doing all this stuff on his own...really on his own.
^^^This^^^^ Reality is a
^^^This^^^^
Reality is a bitch and apparently, according to your douche-canoe SO, so are you. So call his freaking bluff. Give him some space to "evaluate" the situation. And be sure you put 100% or the parenting of HIS child on him. We'll see how fast he flounders...
He's an emotional blackmailer and I'd definitely one-up him by giving him a large dose of his own medicine...
The thing is, is that before
The thing is, is that before I came to live with him, before we got married, he was doing it on his own and it didn't work because of MIL wanting to remain the "mom" and the one in control. She used to pick up SD from school and keep her at her house until DH would pick her up after work which was really late...DH's house was pretty much just for sleeping during the week and a place to play for a while on the weekends. He would wake her up, have her eat breakfast, and go over to MIL's so MIL could change her into her uniform and then they would both drop sd off at school, with MIL hogging most of SD's time before heading inside to school.b
I don't know if this would work...
I'm sorry but it sounds like
I'm sorry but it sounds like what you're saying is you and MIL are interchangeable to your dh. So I guess he just wanted a nanny (you) who would be available for shagging and emotional and verbal beat downs?
I'm not trying to be harsh, truly. I feel for your situation but I'd be damned if I'd let someone manipulate me that way. Screw him. Let him go back to MIL.
I have so many problems with
I have so many problems with this and your DH sounds soooo much like mine it's not even funny!
So problem number one.... you have to "watch how you say things" WTF? Why should skid be held to a different standard that bio? I would bet my next paycheck that when you told SD that you didn't want to play you said it no differently than you would have told your BS4 you didn't want to play. One time SS15 was over and was riding the 4 wheeler all over the yard. We have 25 fucking acres, with 4 wheeler TRAILS, we don't ride the 4 wheeler in the yard. Now, if it was BS4 out there tearing up the yard, I would have just hollered out and told him to ride out back on the trails. But heaven forbid I say the same thing to SS15... so I ask DH if he can please tell SS15 to not ride in the yard. Well damned if I do damned if I don't. DH gets all huffy, tells me I'm just being a jerk because it's SS, blah blah. WTF?
Problem number two. your DH left without saying goodbye to you or BS4. Can you just imagine the shitstorm you would get if YOU didn't say goodbye to SD??? holy hell! The double standards!! What my DH doesn't get is this kind of crap is what makes me resentful of skids. It turns skids into the monster underneath the bed, always has you on edge, tiptoeing around your own damn home. It's maddening!
I can so relate to these same
I can so relate to these same kinds of things.
It really was no different at
It really was no different at all as to how I would tell my BS4 that I didn't want to play with him. I literally will talk to both SD and BS the exact same way, and there's no drama of any sort....
He was apologizing JUST for
He was apologizing JUST for leaving without saying bye though...not like he was sorry about how overboard he went and about the things he said...I ALWAYS apologize when I've realized how wrong I am and I ALWAYS try to make it up to him (genuinely, not just like with food, candy, or kisses...or makeup sex...well, sometimes...)...he on the other hand...it is SO difficult for him to admit he's wrong...and SO hard for him to apologize...
According to him, I'M the
According to him, I'M the nitpicker...only because I remind him EXACTLY what he says when he tries to backpedal and say he said something different...why am I nitpicking when my memory actually works???
I seriously don't know what to do with him...he's not like other guys...
It's hard to deal with
It's hard to deal with someone who's defense mechanism is that sincere form of emotional manipulation disguised as 'help'. Like, he's just trying to 'help' you be a good wife/sm.
Because he genuinely feels/thinks what he's told you. He's just 100% failing to do the little self-censoring/self-reflection bit most adults do before criticizing another adult.
So he's nit-picking and blaming you for non-specific things. You put him on the spot with your questions... because he doesn't really have anything to say but he has to get creative to be sure he passes all blame over to not-him.
It's reasonable to try to be friendly and to remember to say please and thank-you to your partner.
It's also reasonable to expect him to just do things.
How has he changed? I'm betting your upset is not just because he's blaming you... but because you're feeling that he's less loving and kind towards you, and now this anger directed at you (coming out as blame) when you're bending over backwards doing things you don't like to make his life easier... it's a bit much.
You know what, I went back
You know what, I went back and read your last blog again. You HAVE changed since you got married. Now you're doing all the stuff that MIL used to do, because DH asked/expected you too. It's a lot of work, you're tired, you're not getting the love-rewards from skid because she's NOT your kid, you're not getting the love-rewards from DH because he is blind to the work involved, and you're short-changing yourself and BS by bleeding time and energy in this direction.
So you're probably tired, unappreciated, and feeling lonely in your marriage.
You, my dear STalker, are a prime canditate for disengaging. If DH chooses to fill the gap you leave with MIL or a monkey wearing high heels and red wax lips, let him.
YOU are more important than letting yourself turn into a donkey doing other people's work for them.
"If DH chooses to fill the
"If DH chooses to fill the gap you leave with MIL or a monkey wearing high heels and red wax lips, let him."
I love this and I'm going to use it in the future!
Thanks Ripley...will do.
Thanks Ripley...will do.
You know what works for SO
You know what works for SO and I when we're having an argument and neither of us will give in? Emails. I realised this when we had our first massive fight and both walked away mad with eachother. Neither of us would listen to the other because we were both pissed off and convinced we were both in the right.
I sat down and wrote him an email. I explained all my feelings and why I was so angry and upset. I made sure that I edited it so there was no "tone" in it. My SO is a hyper-sensitive soul - if my tone is just a teeny bit stressed..he shuts down and tunes out. Best way for me to communicate with him was by writing to him. Also - pretty hard to argue with a letter/email! Once he read it, he usually calmed down and we could then talk it out later.
He also started doing the same thing. He's written to me a couple of times and we were able to sort things out.
I hope this helps you