In a way, I really think you should not "count" the trip the kids took with BM.. you didn't pay for that.. and what the kids do with mom? that shouldn't be a factor in what your husband does with his kids.

The trip you could take into account would be that band trip if you guys (dh) made a fairly big contribution to them going on that.

All in all, taking a 15 and a 16 year old with two under 10 kids is a bit of a tough mix.  There are going to be very different interests and stamina levels.  Logistically, it doesn't make sense really. 

So, if the Skids start to whine.. they can be reminded that

1.  I took you when you were that age remember? This is the younger kid's turn.

2.  We also paid for you to go on that band trip.. so that is actually 2 trips you took on us.. This is the first for the younger kids.

Now, you don't let DH go all disney.. but it would probably be nice if you could figure out a way to take a family trip including ALL the kids in the next couple of years.. before the older ones are out of the home.  You could do something where you rent an Airbnb house or something where the cost of the extra kids isn't prohibitive.. maybe a road trip to save on transportation etc..

I do agree with the sub-unit concept to an extent.. but I don't think it should be used as an excuse for the SM to advocate for doing a lot of high profile and fun things with "JUST" her kids and excluding other kids.  This trip?  may be justified given the history that DH took them on one trip and paid for another.. but ever time no.

OH girl. I feel you!!!! Your DH is going to have to learn to get over it. I have yet to see if mine can b/c I have yet to really test the waters......but in my case...DH will get over it or else....there is no alternative since we now share a child. .and I have 3 older kids....so if I can get over it...he can.....

What I can tell you is that DH and I took our bioDD who is 1 to Build a Bear......and SD16 and SD12 now think that their father owes them a trip to Build a Bear. What???

I am a huge Disney fan.....so trust me I feel your pain. 

I see nothing wrong with you guys taking this trip sans skids. Seeing as usually most trips in blended families get taken with the skids can be there.

We used to take trips without Spawn and DH would fret and feel bad,until I showed him Meth Mouth's fakebook page, full of family trips that Spawn was going on that she never told DH about.

Step families aren't about equality.  They can't be.  There is no equality when circumstances aren't equal, an in your case, they're not.  The skids are older, they're older than your bios, etc.  I don't know the time sharing, but that's a factor, too, in most cases.  We have to stay focused on equity...  Is everyone getting what they need?

I'll be honest, I don't vacation with skids at all.  I refuse.  We tried it a few times and it was so awful that I said never again.  SS is hellbent on being miserable and he makes everyone else unhappy in the process.

The first time we went on a vacation without them (and with bio DD, who is 100% with us), it was Disney, and I'm not gonna lie, DH struggled with guilt about it.  There was a breakdown in the American Experience at Epcot, in fact. 

It comes down to math, in many ways...  The skids are 35% in our home and 65% with BM.  65% of the time, they're doing things that he isn't doing with them.  That doesn't mean that he needs to make up for that when they're with us.  It just means that they will have a life without him and vacation without him, etc., and he has to learn to be OK with that.

He wants to take a 16 and 15 year old to Disney? With two little kids? You'd split up anyway because the kids would want to do different things based on their ages or one set of kids would be doing a lot of sitting around waiting for the other set of kids. Sounds like a nightmare.

If he's being peevish, don't take him. Take your kids, invite your mom or some other relative who'd be helpful.

Of course, everyone is valid.  But many parents are not going to want to take a big vacation, eat up vacation time, and not take all their kids.

Of course, ALL kids bear the brunt of there being more than just two kids in the famly.   Money gets divided amongst more kids

Thing is, DH is now torn and overwhelmed with guilt about not including the skids.

Not much you can do about his "guilt" but I'd remind him that he made a promise to you.....that the next time it would be just you both and the littles and you will hold him to his word. You will not entertain his guilty daddy syndrome and you shouldn't have to.

To assuage his guilt, DH has now mandated that we will take a week-long trip to Washington DC next year to ‘make it up’ to the older kids.

He wants to plan a vacation including your step kids that's fine but I don't see why he has to "make it up". What exactly is he making up? The fact that they already went to Disney 3 times and didn't go a 4th? They go to trips with there mother as well so why is he trippin'? It's not like he doesn't include them in anything. He has to work out within himself why he feels guilt and get passed that as this impacts you and his other children in some way, shape, & form.

I'd stand my ground with his promise and not let up. Wishing you a wonderful trip!

I logged on just to comment on this blog. DH and I just took our 6 year old boys to Disney this summer. We also have SD18 and DS17, who we left at home. Like your skids, we took DS and SD when they were little. Neigh of us felt one ounce of guilt for leaving them and not taking them. When you have kids with such a big age gap there are going to be times when everyone is not included. Have fun on your trip.

So when he takes the older ones to the super-scary haunted house, he is going to take the little ones, right?  That should be fun!  And when he takes the older ones to visit colleges, he is going to take the littles too.  What a great bonding experience!  Everything should be equal and age-appropriate experiences with parents are completely unnecessary because the important thing is that no one should ever feel left out of anything.  (eyeroll)

It’s not possible for everything to be equal in blended families. The circumstances aren’t equal, so this whole need to ‘make things up’ is ridiculous. That mentality breeds entitlement, and yes I think trips with BM should count. Not because of the cost factor, but because they’re freaking lucky to be taken on a trip at all, and not ‘owed’ when one of their parents does something without them.

This happens even in intact families. There were trips my mum took my little sister on without the rest of us, father son trips my dad took my brother on, and trips my older sister & I got to take without our younger siblings.  My parents never ‘made it up’ to the rest of us when this happened. They didn’t ‘owe’ us anything. 

Also, why should the rest of you be held hostage by the skids availability, if they’re on holiday with their BM why not take a trip at that time with your BK’s if possible? Why should one part of the family have to wait around & plan everything around the skids? Life isn’t fair, trying to keep everything equal & fair, again, just breeds entitlement. I’d rather my BK’s grow up knowing & respecting that sometimes they’ll get more & sometimes they’ll get less, and to appreciate what they get instead of holding their hands out demanding the world & pitching a fit when someone else gets something they don’t. 

I hated this. SD has always found a way to take multiple trips a year, with BM, bm's family, friends and their families....I have taken her multiple times. One year I had enough-she had come over to ask her dad for money for a beach trip w/a friend for a week.  

We had been planning a week in FL-since I was footing the bill mostly I advised him unless he wanted to pay her fair share, we're going w/my boys and he's welcome to join us or stay back.  He joined us.  Yes, he had guilt until I reminded him how many trips his daughter took that year somehow to my kids just one??   Of course in-laws had to call mid trip to guilt trip him about it and I went OFF on my MIL via text.  I was done.  It totally bred entitlement in her.  Somehow for two broke as* parents she always ended up with more of everything -clothes, trips-vacations-christmas/bday gifts- then both my sons combined and I earn a decent living.  

I will likely never have a vacation w/her again-we've contemplated now that they are older to book a cabin or beach house-but I already know who will get blessed w/the biggest part of the bill-so yeah-nope.

Things don't have to be even amongst all your kids, bio or step, just fair. And fairness cannot always be guaranteed. Nevertheless, you and DH are trying to be fair. You are including the skids in lots of trips, and supporting their age-appropriate activities.

I would not feel guilty about this trip with your young Bios. This will be a special experience for them. If skids ask why they were not included, be honest - that you are already paying for skids to do XYZ, and therefore want to treat Bios to Disney so that they also get something special... and cannot afford for everyone to do everything.

SK been there three times.  Your Bio kids are at the age where it’s truly magical.  Have fun with them.  They are only at this age once. If your DH wants yo save for a trip to Washington DC next year that great.  Everything is not fair.  You can not have that age difference and be fair,  older SK don’t want to go to leggo land. Or the North Pole. Where bio are that age they will enjoy that. 

Well, this post just took an unexpected turn! I was planning to log in to commiserate about how awful it is to watch SKs go on vacation after vacation financed by DH's money (it's a little hard not to "count" those!) and have bios miss out and then be told you must take all the SKs on ALL your vacays. I totally relate and have lived this situation. And THEN I read the comment about the underaged teenage SKs "house sitting" to give them a little "freedom" to sweeten the pot of not being included in the trip (and believe me, I can understand not taking them) but WOW!  I know you weren't asking for "advice" about that, but I would NEVER leave underaged teenagers alone in my home for any extended period, even overnight. The things they could get into that could lead to liabililty for YOU are running through my head!!. The scenarios I could come up with are endless, and all are reasonably foreseeable with unsupervised teenagers. I imagine nothing could ruin a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth like learning there's been death and/or destruction at your home for which people are going to try to hold you responsible. (Never mind the prospect of "hooking up" and other things that might go on in an empty house.) While maybe you'll go away and nothing will happen, there's no way I could enjoy myself under these circumstances. If I were you, I'd see my agent to make sure I had PLENTY of insurance. and that it covered punitive damages.