Anger growing and spinning out of control
I am really at the end of my rope. Nothing I do or say meets with the approval of FH or the skids - it has not for a long time but things have gotten so much worse. Everytime it even appears that I might put one toe over the line FH is there scolding me and saying "you want a good relationship with the skids don't you - I am just trying to help!" And then all of his frustration with what BM does and what the skids do spills over on to me. If he is not actually bitching at me then he is morosely sulking around the house and refusing to talk to me.
I don't think I can take it anymore. My anger is growing and eating me from the inside out. I feel absolutely alone and lonely all the time. I changed my entire way of life to be with him. I gave up everything I knew and loved. Last night I was not even included in opening his belated birthday presents because "the skids had them out already and what was he supposed to do?" Christ - I was just in the next room! But I don't even matter that much.
We no longer laugh together or have anything resembling our real relationship. Sex is a thing of the past. All he cares about it the mess his ex made of their former marital home - he is obsessed. I have nothing and no one. I can't believe that I am going to have to start my life from scratch again! But I just can't take living this way. I can't control my anger much longer and I am afraid that I am going to explode and simply scream that I HATE HATE HATE him for how he betrayed me and our love and how he threw it all away.
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I wish I could get to where I
I wish I could get to where I don't care. I have tried. But my love and passion for him was so deep and so strong and now it is just in tatters. To see something so bright and wonderful destroyed is heartbreaking. I just can't settle. He looks the same but he has changed. The BM and the skids have worn him down. He couldn't stand up to them and say "enough!" What we had was not important enough to him to safeguard and he shoved it to the wayside.
How can I remember what used to be and accept a dull shadow of it? I have loved him my entire adult life. Even when we were separated for over 20 years, only seeing each other 5 times just casually and without even touching in all that time, when it looked as if I might die and was even offered last rites by the Catholic hospital I was in - it was him that I thought of. Now his actions show that he barely thinks of me when we are in the same household!
We went through all that - were finally together - and he cared more for his first family than for me. I will always love him - nothing can change that. But I feel betrayed and cast aside. How can I live like that? I fantasize about getting in a huge car wreck and having it be over. When we were apart I had the memory of love. Now I know that love failed. I have nothing left - nothing.
Thanks for the support, girl!
Thanks for the support, girl! I have tried counseling but I started with his counselor. He is the same one who saw FH and his ex but did nothing, SS16 and did nothing and his partner has been seeing all of the skids for 3 years and there has been no positive change. Gee - can we say ineffectual? FH gets annoyed at me when I say that but come on!!!!! Proof is in the pudding dude!
FH and I are seeing a new counselor together tonight at my request. This is my last ditch effort. I feel lost and angry and alone. I can't keep living like this. I have actually been having suicidal dreams which is something I never experienced - even when I lost my babies and was so depressed. I have never had a depression like this! I feel like I have lost everything. I need to either fix my relationship or get out for my own sanity.
This is a great struggle for
This is a great struggle for many. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with these issues. I try to not think too much about relationships and kind of "just sort of let them lie where they may".
What I mean by that is I love my husband, I like my SD, I love my Biokids.. okay I love my SD.. sometimes I don't like any of them
I also know the dislike is shortlived.. we are all humans, we all have feelings of insecurity and inadequacies, but eh.. in the scheme of things life is good.
You can control what you can control. His issues with the Ex are HIS issues, not yours. Dont make them yours. I can understand feeling left out as the Step, I try not to let that bother me.. The opening of the gifts without you there was your DH's job to make sure you were included - Hurt feelings are yours to own.. let him know he hurt your feelings.
Pick yourself up and get into what you used to do before, go out with girlfriends, go to a movie, go away for a weekend, take a class .. Let your DH worry about his ex and the kids.
Beyond - it sounds like you
Beyond - it sounds like you have an unusual history with your DH - where you were apart 20 years, and then got together, and maybe this is affecting you by making you think that fate brought you together so maybe you shouldn't leave.
But if you are this unhappy - reconsider. Don't think about suicide - it is not a good answer, especially for loved ones left behind - my brother did this when I was 13. Really not a good answer at all.
I stayed in a 24 year marriage where my ex was emotionally very abusive indeed for about the last 10 years. I finally overcame my fear after a major breakdown, and when I had recovered sufficiently, I left, and am now happily remarried (except for some SKIDS issues - not that huge compared to many peoples). You say you have nothing left - is that really true. Most of us have a few friends, or relatives, who will be happy to help in a crisis. I discovered that mine were so much more supportive than I ever thought they'd be when I had my breakdown. Give people you know a chance to help you - think about making a new life for yourself.
I sit here crying as I type,
I sit here crying as I type, because as I was showering just a bit ago I felt the same way you do, I said the same things in my head. If only I could be in an accident, then it wouldn't be so bad...
DH and I try to communicate, but I always feel like I'm on pins and needles. That I have to be careful of what I say so I don't make him mad. We weren't like this before. We have custody of his 2 boys, and their BM lives across the country and hasn't seen her kids in over a year. I don't know how or if I should not try to be a mom to them. I'm the only thing close to it that they have. I homeschooled one last year because of his emotional and social dysfunctions. Not until after I suggested getting him tested for ADD did DH start to see things my way. I feel we have no family unit. I'm home all day, take care of the household and bills, and I make sure the kids are doing well in school. I'm very active in their schools, and I make sure they get their needs met. When the weekends come, I dread it because we are all home together all day. DH basically wakes up with them, feeds them, and then sits with his laptop ALL day until we literally go to bed! A few weeks ago I finally broke down and said, you are their role model and they are starting to play video games all day, too. When I wake up, I feel we aren't a family because no one wants to do anything together. I don't want to look at 5 years from now and think we could have changed this path. So I left that afternoon and went to get my nails done, with my ex-husband's mom. Yep! She will always love me and I feel somehow just being around makes me feel better. My mom doesn't care for me like she does. So DH heard what I said and played with the kids that day...but the next weekend it seemed to not make a difference.
I feel stuck in a rut. I'm in this for better or worse, and I just tell myself this is the worse right now. Little things I do set him off, and I'm beginning to think it's not what I'm doing but rather me that sets him off. SS8 broke his new water bottle I bought last week for school. There's a hole in the bottom and leaks now. DH and I talked about how it happened and agreed that we won't replace it now the 2nd time because it won't teach him to be responsible with his things. DH takes it out of the trash to "repair it" and the next day I didn't know what it was doing on the ledge so I threw it back away. This morning he texts me while I'm in carpool and asks why I threw it away. Yesterday SS8 and I had eye doctor appointments, and I took him back to school at 11:30. DH was pissed off because he thought we were all meeting for lunch. We have a token system that they can do special things like being taken out for lunch from school, but it costs tokens for them. He didn't have enough and I told DH that. I asked if he wanted me to pick anything up to eat and he said, no I'll just eat ramen! DH is supposed to give SS8 his ADD meds in the morning, and about once a month he forgets to do it. I stopped doing it because I was tired of being responsible for every little thing with the kids. Now he's down to only 2 days of pills, and DH never thought ahead to think he needs to contact doctor for a refill. Well, the doctor is on maternity leave and no one will give us a refill even though I explained our doctor said we didn't need a new office visit for a refill. So DH seems pissed and that it's my fault even though I told him next time he needs to notice when pills are low.
I asked this morning if he would switch jobs with me and he could take the kids to school, because I'm not a morning person and when I'm ready to go I'm ready to go. This morning it was 7:12 and no one even had breakfast ready. We stop breakfast at 7:18, because it takes 10-12 minutes to brush teeth, pack bags, tie shoes, and get out the door. Earlier this week he said to me, why are you telling them to be done it's not even 7:20 yet. Mind you, he's not a timely, prompt person. One reason he didn't do well in the army! I like to leave the house promptly at 7:30 in order to get to school across town when it opens at 7:45 for school at 8. It's my way of planning for traffic.
I feel your pain, and I'm sorry to take the spotlight away from you, but I want you to know you're not alone. I feel like I'm always going to be second fiddle but expected to perform as the top dog. I, too, have given up so much for this family. I had just graduated college the year before and was teaching, but then decided to be a stay at home mom to help this family adjust to their mom's mental disorder and break down. I wish I could stop and not be so concerned about their well being, trying to make everything work. I'm lost. I'm tired of picking up after people and fixing their lives...wondeirng when is it going to be my turn and when are people going to want to make me feel happy. But I guess I'm the only one who can make myself happy. DH is on his way home for lunch so adios for now. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
I am hurting for you.
I am hurting for you. Remember how special you are and how much you deserve love and happiness. Your situation is beyond heartbreaking and as vickmeister said, sadly too common. You need some people in your corner, honey. A professional, for one. Someone who will help you sort through your emotions and feelings and will more than likely VALIDATE the fact that there's NOTHING wrong with you and you have all the courage, strength and fortitude to blast through this emotional prison and find yourself on the other side.
Thanks vick. I am on
Thanks vick. I am on antidepressants and just increased the dose when my first husband died unexpectedly 2 months ago. FH was really wonderful then. He knew that we were still very good friends and that his death hit me so hard. But soon after he just fell back into pushing me away and focusing on everything but me and our relationship.
I think his death is changing the way I perceive this relationship. We had reached the end of our marriage - we had never recovered from the death of our babies - and after 17 years it was time to be done. But my being with FH really hurt him. The two of them knew each other and never got along. We managed to remain friends in spite of it but I can't help but ask myself why I hurt a really good man to be in a relationship that evolved into this. FH and I started out so strong but now - although he says I am first in his heart - all of his actions say otherwise. When he hurts me he says that he just "didn't think." Well, if I was really first in his heart, wouldn't he have thought? Why would it be so hard to consider my feelings if I were so "first?"
No decision is made without considering the impact on the skids and what he will have to do to deal with BM to make it happen - despite the fact that they simply inform him of their plans as FACT without regard for whether it contradicts the custody order or previous agreements. It is just tough luck if he doesn't like it. But even choosing a movie for us to go to involves a conversation about whether the skids will want to see it and should we wait for them. And the rare weekend away is filled with texting with the skids about what we are seeing and doing and fretting if they will be annoyed that we went without them. There is never anything just for US as a couple! How ironic as that was one of his main complaints about life with BM. Everything always had to involve the kids. And now he does it to me but they are not even my kids!!!!!
Sorry I went off on a tangent. I am just so sad and lonely. I have changed so much. I used to be so vain but half the time I don't even wear make-up any more and I almost never paint my nails. I can't believe it has come to this. I just want to curl up in bed and never get out.