BM is raising a spoiled brat
i have mentioned before how SD3 is over coddled and babied by BM. granted, i know shes only 3 BUT this is how she is going to raise her and its never gonna change.
it was a rough weekend...SD just doesnt listen, has no manners, yells at us, screams alot and really just acts like a little monkey...had to put in her time out a couple times bc she wouldnt listen to us. she cried so much, every time she didnt get her way or we were trying to make her listen. its like this all the time w her. i know its not her fault and her age has SOME to do w it but it would be alot better if BM was raising her the way i would say most of us raise our kids...to be respectful, mannerly, listen, etc.
FH had a talk w BM yesterday when he dropped her off about how shes raising SD...this was sparked when, among other things, SD told us that BM still feeds her! FH asked her about SD sleeping w her and she said that SD has her own bed in BMs room, but its SDs choice as to where she wants to sleep, and she always wants to sleep w BM so she lets her! great, huh? letting ur kid choose what to do when its not whats best for her.
he mentioned how we tried to teach her some abcs and numbers and she didnt know anything. 30 minutes of me trying to teach her just ABC&D went unsuccessful, but i tried nonetheless. he asked BM what she does w her all day...she didnt have an answer...she just started flipping out about how shes a single mom, she only makes so much money a month and shes doing the best she can...FH said what about the $700 a month IM giving u??? where does that go? Ur not buying educational toys or anything for her obviously...no response. just kept w the "im a poor single mom" crap...barf :sick: he said im her father and we are trying to teach her how to behave and everything we do, you undermine by letting her act like a baby! she cries way too much and shes gonna grow up to be a spoiled brat...is that what u want for her?? needless to say this did not go over well but we're at our wits end here.
heres my question...u cant talk to this woman. my FH is not the loud, yelling type so i KNOW he was talking to her in a rational manner and trying to reason w her...but there is no reasoning w crazy. they obviously will never be able to "co-parent" bc of how this woman is. how are we supposed to try and teach SD how to be a good kid who listens and has manners and isnt a clingy baby when BM is raising her just the opposite? we still do what we think is best for her when we have her and try not to worry about it so much bc we know we cant change what goes on in BMs house BUT this is just stressful...im looking at the next 15 years here and think we have a long road ahead of us...
please help
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let me also say
i KNOW SD is young and alot can be attributed to age...im looking at long term here. the still sleeping w BM and BM feeding her just isnt rite and its just one sign of how things are.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
bellacita, it's the nature of the
BEEOTCH unfortunately. She keeps up with the "I'm a poor single mom" crap because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions and she wants to blame everyone else for her problems and unhappiness. Never themselves, oh no! These are the ones who think they are above the law and everyone else and there is no rhyme or reason to all they get away with. These are the women where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. They are miserable so they make for damn sure you are too.
Sucks doesn't it.
You have my complete support and understanding. Life should not have to be this difficult. Yeah, the sd is still young, but not young enough to show respect to her elders. If she's not learning now, in the formative years, it's never going to stick. And yes, she will be a brat plus more. My thoughts are this: who is the parent? You are! When she's with you guys, in your house, she lives by your rules. It's non-negotiable. Unfortunately all you can control is what goes on in your own home so keep making sure she knows who's boss. The more consistent you are in letting her know who's boss, the better off she'll be. IF you have to tell her 500 times in an hour, so be it. But never change the message. Use the old standby 'when you're older and you're on your own, whatever, but until you are 18, your ass is ours and this is the way life is going to be. (Of course you won't use the word ass to a three year old, but I think you know what I'm trying to say.)
My comments and suggestions are meant to be supportive to you and yours. You can do it! I know you can.
MJ24
thanks mj24
i completely agree w u and thats exactly what we do...its just so frustrating. and that "im a single mom" comment really put me over the edge...SHE chose to do that to herself but its NOT an excuse to let your kid act like that! and shes w her ALL DAY EVERY DAY...she only works one day shift a wk...what is she doing w her then?
why would anyone think its okay to FEED a 3 yr old and let her CHOOSE to sleep in bed w u? i guess since BMs not independent at all her kid will never be.
thansk for the advice...it doesnt fall on deaf ears and it just reiterates to me that we are doing the rite thing. doesnt make it easier though!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Yes, you
are totally doing the right thing by her. It proves to be difficult when the BM does not cooperate and therefore it trickles down to the child and we all know what happens then...and we, the parents who work our butts off to make sure these kids are well taken care of, and not getting the wrong message, get screwed six ways to Sunday.
Like I said before, it sucks big time. You're right that she's totally dependent on other people and will probably never figure out that she needs to start taking care of herself and specifically her daughter. I always wonder what these BM's do during the day when they could be working but we know they're not! Where does all the $$$ go that they get from CS? The real problem is they don't know how to budget themselves. Pathetic.
You're doing great!
MJ24
You can't control what happens in BM's home
and you will drive yourself nuts trying to find a way to get BM to see anything other than what she wants to see.
I have accepted that what happens at BM's is her choice (unless it truely does result in physical or psychological harm to the child), BUT that means what happens at my house is up to DH and I.
The key to this is that you and DH MUST present a united front when disciplining your SD. The 'This is how we do it at our house' message must be consistant.
cruella
i completely understand where youre coming from and i agree...but here is the difference w BM: first of all, she chose to be a single mom and have a kid w a man she knew didnt want to...and she lied to do it. now im not saying FH is totally innocent, BUT why would u knowingly get pregnant w a man u know doesnt want a family w u?
thats beside the point bc shes here now...BUT she doesnt work FT like u and many single moms do. she works one day shift on fridays and 2 nite shifts = about 30 hrs. shes home w her all day. and its just laziness. FH saw that when they were still together...she has said before that she will spoil her and she will baby her. feeding her still at 3???? come on.
as far as the bed thing goes, she has never slept in her own bed at her house. and giving SD the choice of where she wants to sleep instead of trying to get her to sleep in her own bed, which she does FINE at our house...its just one more example of her letting her do whatever she wants. she has sent her to our house in crocs in december when its snowing bc she was fussing and didnt want to wear socks. see where im going w this?
also, i applaud single moms as a whole...my mom was one and i think she did an amazing job...she worked FT and went to college AND took care of me, so maybe thats why i dont have much sympathy for this lazy poor excuse of a "single mom". she gives all the single moms out there who really ARE singl emoms a bad name. oh and my mom did this all w NO CS from my dad and my dad never saw me...he wasnt interested in being part of my life like FH is. granted, my mom had alot of help w my grandparents, but so does BM...she lives w her cousin and her mom and her BF do ALOT for them.
i guess what im trying to say is i appreciate yr advice, and im not mad at all!!!...i just dont want u comparing yrself to her bc its just not the case. and as far as criticizing BM...im kinda w u on that one...but i know FH was just trying to talk to her and not really as accusatory until she went off on him. she also went off about how she doesnt make enough money and used that as an excuse...well then get a better job and besides that, wheres all the money HE gives her going??
per the court arrangement, they are supposed to be able to effectively communicate regarding issues and the raising of SD...now we all know that cant happen and this is just another example. if u cant talk to ur kids mother about concerns u have, then where does that leave u? im just really afraid this kid is going to turn into one of these nitemare skids that alot of people here have...and i dont want that for her.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin