You are here

Just gotta vent!

beenthere's picture

Submitted by beenthere on Wed, 11/09/2011 - 10:04pm

Ugh, ugh, ugh, just got to vent! Why can't BF make "our time" our time? He tells SD7 that since she has no school tomorrow, she can stay up later, BUT MUST FIND SOMETHING TO DO because it is "our time". So we have a little drink and play some cards. But SD7 comes in 5 or 6 times to engage us in what she is doing. Not once does he tell her this is our time. I go along with it politely. At the end of our game, she wants us to look at a pic on the computer of a volcano and he gets up to do that as I'm making my last play! I make a comment that, "Hey, we are playing a game!" He comes back, she has a meltdown, and he gets pissed at me and goes to bed! What the heck??? I went from hero to zero in 2 seconds flat. AND have to put SD7 to bed myself. And had a beautiful evening turn totally sour just like that! WTF happened here???

Comments

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 8:38am

You have a classic guilty-disney-doormat daddy on your hands. Children of such have the inability to "self-entertain." They have often been given "adult spousal status" by their mother or father SO the child sees him/herself as their parent(s)--and any other adult's--EQUAL or in fact SUPERIOR to the adults.

He feels guilty not placating her 100% when she is around b/c he "doesn't get to spend much time with her" so he desires to give her constant attention when she's there.

This is a very hard habit to break. Your BF sounds exactly like many biodads we write about here, including GG the biodad I live with. (short for "God's Gift"--he thinks he's GOD'S GIFT to me and that I should be giddy to live with all HIS baggage and drama)

There are two things you can do here. Seems daddykins has made it clear that his kid comes first. You may hear things like "We see each other every day after work so there's no need for couple time" or "My kid NEEEEEEEDS me."

Option 1: You can disengage. "BF, it seems you need more bonding time with SD, so I'll give you the evening with her and I'll go out shopping with my GFs" Sounds like you live together which is not a good thing to do when dealing with a guilty daddy. Every time he makes it clear that your time will become SD's time, you should do something different that you like to do NOT as a couple, whether that be giving yourself a manicure/pedicure, bubble bath, etc. This is sort of a "training" method that once he goes back on his word of designated exclusive couple time, you exit the scene and let him deal with his daughter. You can also say "I would like to have you just to myself." Sometimes that works b/c it pets their ego.

Option 2: NOW That all being said, do you REALLY want to go through "retraining" a man out of guilty daddy (which never goes away and is a lot like a "recovering" alcoholic)?

Said daddies will never give a child what he/she needs, that is proper guidance, instruction, boundaries and structure. Today's family court system and gov't basically condones bad/non-parenting. He's behind the eightball from the start as a father. He will compete with the BM to be the child's BFF for fear of "losing the child to the BM" (TM) which will eventually be a disaster for all involved.

I say RUN and find a nice CHILDLESS man!!

beenthere's picture

Submitted by beenthere on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 12:47pm

Thank you all for your comments-you all make valid points.

Echo-yes, unfortunatly he WOULD let her stay up all night. She never had a bedtime until I came around and suggested that she may be less miserable going to school in the morning if she wasn't up until 11.

Choosetosmile-I totally know that "daddy and me" game, and it caused me a lot of resentment early on. Luckily, communication and some action on BF part has taken care of most of it. SD7 seldom plays that anymore because he has stopped rewarding it.

Auteur-absolutely he is a major guilty daddy and I saw that early on before I knew what it was. He has worked hard on overcoming it, to the point he is on anti-anxiety meds. But he still struggles terribly with it daily. Everything you say is so dead-on! Her inability to self-entertain. And she DEFINATELY sees herself as our peer, which has bugged me from day 1. She is her parents friend and confidant and does not make young friends easily. I have managed to fix some of this but her BM has her convinced she is smarter and more powerful than any kid on earth, and wise and mature "above and beyond" her years.
We raise this girl-BM sees her every other weekend. I stay at home so a big load is on me for her daily care. Her and I actually get along well, so it doubly hurts when BF thinks his kid is somehow lacking all she needs if she doesn't get all his undivided attention. And you are right that part of his attitude is fear that SD7 will want to go live with BM, and he's not ready to give her up yet (until the problematic teen years).

I love BF and don't mind too much about SD7, but I would never again date a man with kids!