Hello and welcome. You may want to pick up, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It's written about abusive men, but if you change the he to she, abusive controlling behavior is just that regardless of which gender is abusive. It also has information for someone who is choosing to break the cycle, this may be helpful for both you and your wife.

I don't even think you could adopt him now. They would want to do a home study and would obviously find that your ss doesn't even live with you guys.

Umm, im gonna just flat out say it. Your are a battered husband. Your responses clearly show that. "I'm thinking what excuse to tell her in case she sees the book." WTF?! You honestly think that people in normal healthy relationships, say our think these things? This is over a book! SMH
Then you say that you are trying to keep her "in line" and keep her from going ballistic. Oooh my, honestly it sounds like she is keeping YOU in line.
Please go seek help for battered spouses. You think is gonna get better? Seek help. Do this for your daughter.

Im sorry after looking at the comments i dont see anyone mentioning the hoarding/roaches. Spoiled be damned, physco mommy needs to get her kid out of that toxic unhealthy house. Health and well being should be top on list. Sounds to me by wife flaking thst she may not want ss to live with her. My DFH adds tell her to shit or get off the pot the living conditions alone would have dssstep in.

My first reaction when reading your post was what on earth are you doing putting up with such abuse? So she's downgraded from physically battering you to "just" emotional and verbal abuse, and you're okay with that? It sounds like your ss is in a horrible environment with grandparents who are clearly not up to the job of parenting a 7 year old properly, but if you really think about it, would he be any better off with his psycho mother? You sound like a genuinely good, caring guy who wants the best for his family, but she is the bio parent and I bet if you were to get him full time she would constantly use him as an excuse to create more arguments, emotional blackmail and undermining anything positive you tried to do for the boy. Your ss may not be any better off living with you, because however hard you try to parent him and raise him properly, his mother will hold the fact she is the bio parent over your head and ss will be in the middle of another war between you. If he has behavioural problems that will also cause added stress to you and your marriage and in an already strained environment, bringing more stress into it cannot be a good idea. I'm sorry to say that as sad as your ss's situation is, he is not your child and I think you have to make yourself and your own daughter a priority. It sounds like you care more about your ss than his own mother does and you cannot take on her responsibilities for her. She has no right to demand that you adopt your ss, and you're right in saying that you couldn't even consider it till you have had chance to form a strong bond with him - in fact I'm sure the authorities wouldn't allow it without that. I agree with the poster who suggested she might be hoping you adopt him so she can screw you financially further down the line if/when you separate.

Someone else has suggested you start documenting how much you are doing for your daughter, so when the inevitable split happens you'll be in a position to get custody. I would also document the abuse, keep a diary of everything abusive she does/says towards you, your daughter and her son. If she's neglectful of your daughter be sure to document that too. Whatever you do, don't tell her or let her see it. As you've probably learned by now, someone with a personality disorder never changes. There is no treatment and these people are simply incapable of learning to do things differently, so any hope you have of her taking responsibility for her behaviour and making a genuine effort to change are in vain because it will never happen. She comes from a family of psychos and the sad fact is your ss will probably end up just the same, so if I were you I would start planning a safe exit for you and your daughter before your daughter ends up being affected by the abuse her mother is clearly showing you. I hope you've had a chance to look at some websites about domestic abuse, as other posters suggested - the more information you can find the better, as it will give you a much clearer picture of what is really going on.

I can tell you from experience that kids who grow up seeing one of their parents abuse the other grow up with all sort of problems. My dh has custody of his 3 boys because their mother was proved to be unstable and unfit to look after them, as they were so badly affected by seeing their bm abuse their father every day - shouting, swearing, threatening, saying really vulgar, disgusting things and totally dominating him. She was also abusive towards them, both emotionally and physically. They all have behavioural issues which have taken years to sort out, and they're always going to have some issues. My own daughter grew up seeing me be verbally abused by her father. I have always been on the large side and my ex constantly ridiculed me and called me horrible names because of my size. My bd, now 20, has always had serious issues with her weight and appearance, has eating problems and also has difficulty with relationships because of her attitude towards men. My ex's abuse also made me mentally and physically ill and I still have lasting health problems 7 years after leaving him. I cannot tell you how damaging domestic abuse is to both the abused partner and the children who grow up witnessing it, and I hope you can take care of yourself and your daughter and keep yourselves safe.