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askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Wed, 08/15/2018 - 9:33am

Hi All!  I used to be a frequent flyer here but don't post much anymore and just lurke around when I have time.   Today,  however,  I really need to post because I've really been struggling lately and only other SMs understand.

Long story short,  we vacationed with DHs family last week.   His sisters pulled me aside and asked why I treat SDs differently.  I tried to explain that it's because I am not their parent.  They kind of harped on me about taking charge and responsibility I accepted when I got married.   I pushed back and said you need to talk to your brother... I can take charge all I want but at the end of the day he is lazy and caring more than him causes me drama with skids,  dh, bm and a crap ton of anxiety on my part.   They still didn't really get it but I'm used to that. 

They did however get into my head.   Last night I made dinner for everyone and after told BS10 to unload the dishwasher,  BS4 to put away condiments,  SD13 to take out garbage and SD16 to load the dishwasher.   Bios did as asked,  SDs went upstairs.   DH did the chores I asked them to do.

Ladies and gentlemen THIS is why I treat skids differently.   This is why I am disengaged.   I am in a no win situation.   I can't believe I let my SILs get into my head about what a sm "should" do.

Ugh!

#endvent #sodone #wtfwasithinking?

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 08/15/2018 - 9:43am

Unless they live te step life they will never get it. 

I don't get disengagement. I can do it. I am waaayyy too much of a control freak. If my DH decided to start loading the dishwasher after I asked a kid to do it (I would probably pass out from shock because I didn't know he could do it! LOL) I would go off on him. I would go off on the skid/biokid. No way in hell will a kid just walk away from me when I have asked for something to be done. 

So, funny story... my daughter (10 yrs) is my height and BS12,SS13 and SS18 are all much taller. They see a look in my eyes that tells them I am DONE and they will start cracking jokes- "man... mom is tiny but she is really scary!" "Awwww... she's cute when she's mad" or something like that -  Then the boys will do something like pat my head and rush to take out the trash ;)  They try to play it off but they are aware that I am not the mom to piss off. 

SilentlyCoping's picture

Submitted by SilentlyCoping on Wed, 08/15/2018 - 11:05am

Yes, you are so right.  Until someone lives to "step life" you cannot really relate.  I get not getting the disengagement.  I am a bit of a control freak as well (just ask DH).  However, in order to keep some semblance of my sanity I've had to do this.  Some days I am better at it than others.  I have no scheduled time away from the home the weekends the skids are here.  I know some say just go away for the weekend when they are here...but, this is MY house too and I feel like that would be a mistake and they would "WIN" in a way.  I know, this all sounds so childish and petty but I know I am not the only one with these emotions/feelings.  Anyway, I have found that being away for a while works.  I think DH is starting to catch on too....that I keep going away for hours during the day on the weekends they are here.  He has not said anything yet, but when he does I will simply explain that I like the quiet time.  :-) 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Submitted by ProbablyAlready... on Wed, 08/15/2018 - 9:51am

NO one gets it unless they live it. My mom tried to tell my cousin's gf that she was "going to be a mom" if she married him because he has kids... I shut her down and tried to explain it. She didn't get it...

Good choice being disengaged. i love my skids, but if they treated me like yours do you, I'd likely choose that as well.

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Wed, 08/15/2018 - 10:11am

Haha!  They are actually really awesome.   I come from a pretty dysfunctional family and DHs family is awesome.   They just don't understand the step dynamics.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 08/15/2018 - 10:10am

One reason that step life has not been a total nightmare for me, is because my husband would NEVER let his daughter just walk away if I told her to do something. He might show her how to load the dishwasher (not that he does a great job!), he might even help her, but she would damn well do it.

My SD had no chores at our house and I was fine with that, she didn't live there. She helped DH clean up the kitchen or do yard work sometimes but she had no set chores. I asked that she pick up after herself and clean and vacuum her room before she left (since it was always spotless when she arrived). She once complained to DH about having to vacuum her room and he told her she messed it up, she was going clean it up, simple as that.

She's 27, now and a complete slob. I get anxious when I am at her apartment but at least I can leave!

Everybody has ideas about what a SM should do but what about step kids? It's okay for them to just totally ignore an adult? In that adult's own home? When said adult helps to provide for them, cooks for them, etc? I don't think so.

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Wed, 08/15/2018 - 10:18am

When I met DH, this would have never happened.   Somewhere along the way,  a little piece at a time he gave up.   He doesn't want to be a parent anymore. 

We were at target and my DS4 was going to get something.   He kept standing up in the cart so I told him if you stand up again you will not get your toy.  He smiled and tested his limits.  I put his toy back.   He started losing his mind throwing a temper tantrum.   It was so embarrassing.   Dh told me to let him get the toy so he would stop crying.   I said no way and checked out.  He also got a consequence for his tantrum.   I have never had an issue in a store since.   I think long term dh thinks easiest solution.   It sucks.  

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Wed, 08/15/2018 - 10:16am

Wow, nothing like the in-laws jumping on board and dishing out on you.

At least it sounds as if they were willing to listen to you, even if the sisters don't have the ability to "hear" you. Maybe you can turn around those women and make them allies in helping your husband parent. First, though, they'd need to really understand and that's not so easy.

I can't imagine having my in-laws jump on the dump train. Stand firm. They could pull aside their nieces and nephews and ask them to treat you better too -- I know, I know...that never happens. Don't let them make you the bad guy.

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Wed, 08/15/2018 - 10:26am

Hmmm, I don't think my blog was written well to explain.  They weren't a-holes about it, they are just strong women who take charge in their house and don't understand the dynamics.  They were on SDs cases all week.  OSD calls dh by his first name and all three of his sisters were like wtf dude why do u let a 16 year old disrespect you?  He just doesn't care.   He is the problem,  not them.