Follow-up to last night's blog (sorry, long)
So late last night I posted a blog about DH's inability to enforce boundaries. Unfortunately, I posted after I had just returned from having a couple drinks & was still fuming, so my post probably didn't make a lot of sense.
Here's how Christmas went down: BM gets EVERY Christmas day per the CO & DH gets Christmas Eve til 8 pm. CO says BM is to pick SD up. Doesn't specify where, but last year we chose a drugstore near our home as it was a neutral location that was open at 8 pm on Christmas Eve. This is the ONLY day per year that BM has to pick SD up. DH does all the driving the other 364 days per year. Which boils down to about 4 to 5 50-mile roundtrips per week. CO also doesn't specify how Christmas break is to be divided other than holiday time supercedes normal visitation. Since this year BM's holiday time is over DH's normal parenting time, he would have gone 2 full weeks without seeing SD. DH sent an email prior to start of Christmas break asking if he could have a couple of days over the break with SD at BM's convenience (which actually would be very convenient for her since she won't have to find alternate childcare) & stated that we would meet at the same drugstore as last year at 8pm on Xmas Eve.
BM emails back - yes DH can have the days he wanted but she would meet him at a location halfway between homes. This location was a coffeeshop that closes at 6 pm on Xmas Eve. Now the last 2 years BM has refused to meet us at a coffeeshop near our home because "she didn't know if it would be open on Xmas Eve & she didn't feel safe" which is why we changed the location to the drugstore that we KNEW would be open. Also, our interpretation of the CO is that the person doing the pickup is to do the majority of the driving just like we do 364 days per year. We made this arrangement specifically in the CO because as soon as SD is picked up we go in the opposite direction of BM's home to attend a yearly holiday party. Meeting halfway tacks on an extra 30 minutes of driving time for us.
Fast forward to DH picking SD up at BM's to begin his holiday visitation. BM asks did you get my e-mail. DH says yes but that pick up location won't work for us. BM says then I guess the extra visitation time over break won't work for me. They proceed to get into an argument, DH comes home angry & BM sends a "confirmation" email stating that per their recent conversation, she'll meet DH at the halfway location (HER spot) on xmas eve. DH chooses not to respond & meets her halfway.
Here are my issues with this scenario: DH should never have engaged in a conversation at pick-up. When BM asked did you get my email, DH could have said yes, you'll be receiving my reply shortly, gotten into his car & left. But he continues to engage her. WHY???!!!
Once he had SD, the ball was in his court. If BM didn't show up to the drugstore location, then I guess she would have missed Christmas with her daughter.
DH said to me "I didn't want to lose my visitation with SD so that's why I gave in." I was like "First, you wouldn't have missed your visitation, BM needs the childcare. And even if you had, you would have had email documentation that BM promised you the extra days, then took them away when you didn't do her bidding. It was a win-win situation for you!" By not following his promise to me to only converse with her via email, he fucked himself over.
To top it all off, he got mad at me that I would not accompany him to the drop off site. Nope, sorry, you wanna make a 30 minute round trip in freezing weather so that BM won't be "inconvenienced", that's on you buddy. Merry fuckin' Christmas.
Btw, this is only part 1 of the drama!
- asgoodasitgets's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I know, I just don't get it
I know, I just don't get it either. We had mediation a few months ago & it went nowhere as BM doesn't know the meaning of the word compromise. I mean, why would we pay for 1/2 of mediation just to have BM dictate all her terms to us? Even the mediator told my husband that BM was a bitch & he would be better off going to court (they were in separate rooms). So we go to court in January. But I told DH that it won't matter what the new (& hopefully improved) CO says if he is not going to expect BM to follow it & just caves in to her every whim.
I respect your opinion. Do you think I'm being unreasonable? Sometimes I feel like I am the crazy one because I have no one IRL to support me.
Thanks you guys!! It feels
Thanks you guys!! It feels good to have my feeling validated by those of you who have been there & know how what it's like. Yes, I agree about the whole ironclad CO thing. We've been working toward it for over 2 years! But sometimes it seems for every step forward we make, DH takes 2 steps back by letting BM call the shots.
What is most upsetting to me is that DH says I just want to "win". But that's not it at all. I just feel so disrespected after putting in 2 years of financial sacrifice, research, driving back & forth to meet with attorneys, documenting every little thing, etc. & DH blows it all by doing something dumb like this. It's like all my hard work means nothing to him.
Thanks. I have stopped doing
Thanks. I have stopped doing a lot in the last few months. I just got to the point of wondering, why do I care more about this kid than her dad does? I even skipped the last meeting with our attorney & he asked DH if we were having marital problems :O He told DH that a lot of women get burnt out dealing with this bullshit. DH came home very worried!! I think he just needed to hear it from someone else.
The way I see it and maybe
The way I see it and maybe I'm wrong but BM said yes to his request and asked for something herself. I'll give you extra days that are not court ordered all I'm asking is you meet me half way?? And that is her controlling the situation? Court order doesn't say where she is to pick up, so that means you and DH get to tell her where and if she doesn't like it she is controlling the situation??
Seems to me that your DH wants what he wants with no give and take. Or BM is out of line.
Who is really trying to control this??
Because of the way the
Because of the way the holidays fell this year, DH was missing out on his normal parenting time. He was just asking for a couple of make-up days. Yes, BM could have said no, but that would have inconvenienced her because she would have had to find childcare anyway. Besides, time with DH isn't just doing DH a favor, it's for SD too since it's important for kids to spend time with BOTH parents.
DH does 99.99% of the driving. He picks SD up at BM's or at school in BM TOWN every single visitation EXCEPT for Christmas Eve. BM agreed to that. Sorry but I think that she is a selfish bitch for not just meeting us in OUR TOWN the one time per year that she agreed to do so.
Also, why does everything always have to be "If I do this for you, then you have to do such-n-such for me"? Is it too much to ask that people just be NICE at Christmas for god's sake?!