Stepdaughter Problems
Me and my husband started dating when stepdaughter was 3 years old. We married 2 months into knowing each other and have been married for 6 years. When you know you know. He told me about his daughter and how she was not easy to deal with but me being me I thought children are children and how bad could she really be? I have 2 kids of my own, at the time my sons were 1 and 5. My 5 year old is autistic.
My husband left her mother when she was 2, took her to court because she was trying to withold visitation and won 50/50 custody. BM was extremely toxic from the beginning always trying to pick fights and tell stepdaughter to say that my 5 year old son burned her in the bath tub with a lighter. Which is crazy because I never left her alone in the tub because of my fear of children drowning, It was a bug bite. I said fine we will take her to the doctor to confirm that it is a burn and she dropped it.
We coparented for about a year when BM got on drugs bad and left the state to move with a friend because she couldnt pay her bills from calling out so much. When it was her week to have SD she said her mother died and she had to go deal with that and I picked up SD from her place, she was crying and everything.
The next time she was suppoed to have SD she said gang members had killed her sister and they found her body on the side of the road.We found out that was all a lie for her to go do drugs and sleep with men. So, we took SD from her to provide her with a stable life.
I was paying for EVERYTHING. We didnt have a babysitter for the kids and I made more working than DH would. This little girl had nothing when I came into her life, family members commented on how much better she looked since being with me. Fastforward to a couple years ago when my husband got a great job and I went back to school so I was now handling SD full-time as I was not working anymore.
SD has always had behavior problems I just never really noticied it as much because I was always so busy. Anyways she is extremely mean to my yougest son and will even make noises over and over again that she knows bothers my autistic son to the point he would cry. When she was 7 and my youngest was 5 she tried to drown him. I was outside with them so I noticied really quickly. My son had just learned how to swim in the deep end and she held him under and when he came up I heard him gasp for air, At the point I lost it. I whooped her and she stayed at her grandparents for a week. They were mad at me! lol
She will purposely not eat her dinner even when I let her help me make it. But will sneak snacks at night. Ive found the wrappers in her room. Ive given her makeup and finger nail polish and she destroys it when she gets mad at me. Ive taken her to get her nails done with me and by the end of the day she has peeled the paint off. I painted her room this pretty purple and spent days sanding and painting a night stand to match and she took something metal and scrapped the paint off. I gave her a bracelet my mother brought back for me from portugual and I got on to her and she handed it back to me.
I have tried and tried for years. I just dont understand. I have had her since she was 3! she is now 9 almost 10 and it hasnt gotten better. I thought it was just me but she is mean and hateful to everyone. My parents have tried so long they refuse to watch her or take her on vacations when they take my boys anymore because of how she acts. Sticking her tongue out at them, telling them she doesnt have to listen to them.
Her own biograndparents dont like watching her. They will call everyday for us to come get her if she stays a couple days with them. My siblings have tried taking her to the fair and that didnt go well. My husbands cousin is staying with us to help with the kids, getting them on the bus in the mornings because I work nights, and he cant deal with her either. She back talks him, tells him no, gives him attitude. Just today she was told to stand in the corner, then said she had to use the restroom so he told her to go and she was gone for 30 minutes hiding in my boys room.
We will have sit down talks and it goes in one ear and out the other. She has already almost been kicked off the bus for not listening, standing up in her seat and screaming. I had to talk to the bus driver. I had a parent teacher conference because she is failing 4th grade just this week and they said it seems like she doesnt care about school and they dont know what to do. I told them idk what to do either. I give her goals to work towards, like her birthday is coming up and she wants to have it at this indoor swimming place and I told her if she is good and gets her grades up she can have that but im not paying for it if she continues. Did that help? No. Every chance she gets she tries to make me look bad to the school. Eating her snack before she gets to school making it look like I didnt give her one and the teacher messaging me about it. Telling my sons paraprofessional that she thinks I dont love her, telling the school nurse to call her dad instead of me when I am at home and her dad wokrs over an hour away, and she knows this. I told her teacher during the conference that she will lie and manipulate to make herself look like the victim.
Also when her dad gets home its daddy this and daddy that like she cant do anything for herself. I am so emotionally and mentally tired. Yes, I have said some things that I probably shouldnt have said to her before to hurt her feelings because she has hurt mine and thinks its ok to bully my sons and get other kids on the bus to bully my youngest. I said maybe your dad is stuck with you but I am not and your pushing me away and im not dealing with this anymore or BM lied to your dad saying she couldnt have kids and now I have to deal with this. Which is true, he was 19 and stupid.
IDK I feel like people can only take so much and she sees nothing wrong with how she acts and I snapped. Ive told her a million times, if you just act better ill give you whatever you want but you refuse. She will intentionally break my yougest boys stuff, she broke his tablet because she was jealous she didnt have one, she has had several in the past put broke them. She has broken 4 tvs, crumbled the blinds in her room just because she was bored, peeled drywall off the walls in her room.
Spankings DONT work, she will cry then be mad at me or her dad instead of seeing what she has done wrong. I dont understand, my boys are super easy and sweet, yes they get a spanking or a talking to when needed but that is extremely rare. I told my husband she is a mini psychopath ad he said to quit saying that no she isnt. He does see the problem and has talked to her, whooped her, even tried a daddy daughter day and that doesnt work. I told her im taking her to a psychologist to see what is wrong with her because she hits herself and she said so you hate me? I was like what? Where do you get that? Is that what I said? She said yes. There is soooo much more but I just needed to rant some.
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You both hit the child&wonder where she gets it that hate her?
If you hit me because of something I did wrong, I wouldn't be inspired to see my wrongs, I would be angry with you.
She sounds like a handful for sure, and it's also likely that it's because her mother messed up her brain doing drugs while pregnant. And if that's the case, you won't be able to do much about destructiveness, absence of empathy and other behavioural issues. But hitting a child is never ok. It doesn't take a big (wo)man to hit a child. Really, really shameful behaviour. I suggest you give her up into some sort of therapeutic foster care program and stop damaging her further, stop modeling violence against the weaker to your kids and her as an acceptable way to manage conflict.
Good Insight!
You wrote: She sounds like a handful for sure, and it's also likely that it's because her mother messed up her brain doing drugs while pregnant. And if that's the case, you won't be able to do much about destructiveness, absence of empathy and other behavioural issues.
That is very true that many RAD kids’ mothers were drug users during pregnancy.
I agree with your assessment—this child needs intervention, and professional intervention at that. But I’d offer a word of caution when it comes to taking this kid back after being housed with other disturbed children during this intervention. Their dysfunction feeds off each other, and the results can be far worse than anyone imagines.
The woman I mentioned below sought treatment for her stepdaughter, only to find that after her time in a program with other deeply troubled kids, her stepdaughter didn’t come out better—instead, she learned how to poison her family. When these kinds of kids are housed together, they don’t heal. They don’t improve. They just become more skilled at their dysfunction. Instead of unlearning toxic, dysfunctional and dangerous behaviors, they sharpen those very instincts. It’s a risky road, and one that doesn’t always lead to recovery.
When it comes to disciplining a stepchild through physical means—like an “ass-beating”—I completely agree with your caution. Disciplining a stepchild is a dangerous territory. In today’s world, all it takes is one accusation of “abuse,” and suddenly, a well-meaning, probably exhausted and frustrated good person could find themselves with a permanent record that follows them for the rest of their lives. The system isn’t always kind to nuance or context, and once that label sticks, it’s hard to shake.
The risks of stepping into that kind of situation are high, especially when dealing with a child who may already be manipulative or troubled. In the end, one wrong move by the stepparent and the unruly step kid accomplishes his or her mission in life (LOL) —it could derail a stepparent’s entire life.
Oh, I meant to give up the child for ever.
Not as a temporary solution, but where the child becomes ward of the state so that she can grow up with a foster family. It's possible to stipulate (with assessing personals' support) that she's the only child in that family and other conditions that would help her thrive.
Im not sure if the mother
Im not sure if the mother did drugs while she was pregnant or not. She is not being beaten by any means. A few pops on the butt isn't shameful for me to do. I was spanked as a child and learned to respect boundaries and my parents. When she is older law enforcement is going to do much worse.
I would also like to add that
I would also like to add that where we live the schools still use corporal punishment or "paddling" as a form of discipline.
White space please. The
White space please. The massive block of typed word vomit is painstaking to get through. Your readers will be far more responsive if you use basic punctuation, sentence spacking, and paragraph spacing.
On that note, I did, very painfully, get through your post.
Stop playing the love the kid game. She has not earned it. She is a toxic, evil, lying, manipulative 9yo who does not give a shit about anyone but herserlf. So, go full boundaries, enforcement of behavioral standards, enforcement of performance standards and immediate misery inducing consequences on her.
Obviously spankings don't work. Though I am of the mind that a swat to the rump can be an effective way to reconnect the brain. With this one, do not risk the consequences that her obvious escalation of things will bring.
First, take everything away from her. Everything. Anything she likes..... gone. She gets zero self determination about anything. She does what she is told, or she stands in a corner with her nose holding the walls together until you and daddy get tired. Stop painting her room. Go buy PVC panels and cover her walls with it. Remove carpet from her toom and put down durable vinyl flooring. Take eveyrthing out of her room except for cheap molded plastic furniture, replace her bed with a foam mattress on the floor. Take away any clothing she likes and replace it with basic but quality clothes. Stop with the makeup or anything else she can leverage to hurt your feelings by destroying.
Lock up all food. She eats only what is made for meals. If she does not eat it, she can go hungry until the next meal. Kids will not starve themselves. Half a day of hunger pangs and she will eat. If not, take her to a doctor and have them feed her with a feeding tube. That is fun. So much so that she will very likely get the point to knock off her shit regarding food. Every day take a pic of her snack and lunch that she is given to eat at school and send it to her teacher. Before she gets on the bus. Get ahead of this toxic little POS and her manipulative crap.
Yes, get her to a Psychiatrist and find out what is at play with her. I would go the MD psychologist route so she can be medicated into a compliant state that eleminates her as a threat to the safety of your own children.
Do not let her play the "You hate me!" card. Correct her immediately every time. "I do not like how you behave but I do not hate you. Behave and you will find that you will be much happier."
You only have a few years until her personality is fully set. If she has not figured it out in that time, stop investing in her. She is what she is and the odds of her being a viable adult of any quality is just about zero.
In about 5yrs she will be old enough for Military Boarding School. If she were mine, her ass would be marching to class under the hairy eyeballs of professionals on the first day she was old enough.
You have 9yrs until she is no longer even a consideration.
If, and I doubt there is much cnance of it, she improves, adjust accordingly. But do not adjust until she proves that she is improving over a significant period of time. One backslide, she is back in the full meal deal penalty box.
You and her father are the adults. You need to stop playing her games and end this bullshit with very firm boundaries and consequences. No waffling. It has to be zero tolerance of her shit, get her in therapy, and push for the Psychiatrist to medicate the crap out of her until she complies.
I would.
Good luck.
Giving her presents does not
Giving her presents does not guarantee good behavior.. and it seems like you expect because you have given her something nice. that she should not ever have a complaint.
I also agree that violence with children begets violence.. and I'm kind of surprised after you were able to get your own son diagnosed at a young age.. that you didn't encourage her father to have her analyzed.. kids are rarely "difficult"/"not easy" for zero reason.
I get that this is a lot of responsibility on you.. and your husband needs to be doing more for and with his daughter... it's unfortunate that her mother is in active addiction.. that is likely some of the problems you see in her daughter... and again... the fact that she tells everyone you and her dad hate her.. she is dealing with some pretty big emotions for a 8/9 yo.
I have encouraged my husband
I have encouraged my husband to get her help and put her in therapy. Multiple times.
While I’m
sympathetic to what you're dealing with as a stepmother and can understand your frustration and anger, I'm concerned about your expression of this anger when you're dealing with her.
"maybe your dad is stuck with you but I am not and your pushing me away and im not dealing with this anymore or BM lied to your dad saying she couldnt have kids and now I have to deal with this."
Knowing you're unwanted is very difficult for anyone to deal with, especially when you're a child and dependent on the very person who doesn't want you. Whatever is causing her behavior is only exacerbated by statements such as these.
For your own sake, as well as hers and those of your own children, seek out counseling for yourself to learn how to handle her in a more productive way. Unless you're going to divorce her father you're going to be dealing with her forever. Family counseling would also be good but I would start with me. You sound like you're at the end of your rope and need someone to talk to who could help you navigate this difficult situation.
I'm not proud of the
I'm not proud of the statements that I made I just wanted to be truthful to my reality. Over the past month is when I made those statements and immediately regretted them.
Ok can we stop with the pearl
Ok can we stop with the pearl clutching over spanking? It's a spanking not a beating. I get that some people are against it but that doesn't mean that it's abuse. There is a fine line between discipline and abuse. A swat to the behind is not going to traumatize a child. I got plenty of swats as a child and looking back I needed it. Discipline isn't supposed to be pleasant, otherwise kids would do things just to get disciplined. My SS used to intentionally get in trouble on the bus so he could get kicked off of it. Just saying. In this case though I think I would come up with a different form if discipline. It clearly isn't working.
I agree with the others that she needs counseling. Dad needs to be the one dealing with her as much as humanly possible. It's also clear that you need a break from her. So do your kids. You don't like this kid but to be fair she isn't being very likeable.
SD tried to drown her child
One of the instances it seems was that the stepdaughter tried to physically drown her kid! I think a spank is warranted in that case if any
This kid seems very problematic and there are several other issues at play here. The kid needs help
Any self-respecting, decent
Any self-respecting, decent mother would do whatever it takes to protect her child. If the OP had given this skid a serious wake-up call—an “ass-beating” that stopped just short of taking her life—I honestly wouldn’t blame her. I’d understand completely. Because let’s be real for a moment: did anyone stop to think what could have happened if she hadn’t been there to put an end to the little monster's behavior? Her son’s life was at stake. If she wasn’t around to intervene? The threat was real, and when you’re dealing with someone who shows no remorse, no empathy, and no limits, like this skid does, sometimes the line between survival and tragedy is thinner than we want to admit.
Context is everything.. I
Context is everything.. I will say my brother and I tried to drown each other many times.. (dunking in a pool).. it can be dangerous.. and with malice.. vs just kids horsing around.. it's tough to draw lines.
If spanking was going to be on the table.. I think that bio parents exclusively should be the ones doing it. In the moment, she has the right to stop the bad action.. separate the children.. and send the girl "to her room" or equivalent.. but I think it was something that was bad enough to warrant waiting for dad to be home (if he wasn't present)...
There is just too much risk when you physically punish a child that is not yours.
She said she "whooped her and
She said she "whooped her and she stayed with her grandparents for a week". That doesn't sound like a spanking.. that sounds like she hit the child in anger and sent her away. I am not saying she shouldn't be angry at the child for hurting her child.. but acting out of anger in a physical way to a child that is not yours is not right.. and when parents hit out of anger.. it is more telling of their loss of control... and inability to display heathy emotional response and dealing with their emotions poorly.
I was spanked as a child.. but this was many, many many decades ago.
I also believe there is a difference between smacking a toddlers hand reaching for a flame or hot stove... and getting mad and hitting a child when you are angry.. which probably means nto just a "token" spank.
as the step parent.. she should not be administering punishments like that.. it should be waiting for her dad to come home.. step parents should stop behavior.. send kid to the room.. turn off electronics.. but actual "punishment" should be meted out by the bio parent.
She is in danger territory here.. because they could end up accused of abuse by this girl.. and as the non bio parent.. she could be risking her own children being in the home.
She stayed with her
She stayed with her grandparents because I needed a break not because I beat her. So let's just clear that up. And she was told multiple times not to try to hold my son under because he is still getting the hang of swimming.
There is a difference between a spanking and hitting a child
There is a difference between a spanking and hitting a child in anger. I think a "whooping" is a beating, not a spanking. In any case, study after study have shown that spanking does more harm than good - especially when it comes to child who has mental health issues - which is clearly the case here.
Corporal punishment is not
Corporal punishment is not abuse. Though there is certainly a line that separates a spanking from abuse. In the interest of KISS, I go with the legal definitions and not the emotional element regarding spanking.
Below is a web site that provides a quick review of each State and the legality of corporal punishment, Only in one State is it illegal. Probably no surprise that it is DE. At least that was the case the last time I read each states laws. More may have outlawed parents parenting and disciplining in the years since I last fully read the summary for each State. Other than DE, all other States corporal punishment is legal for those acting in in loco parentis.
I do not give much credence to the studies perpetrated by purveyers of pseudo science that claim that a swat to the rump does more harm that good to a kid. SItuations matter. A spanking can be exceptionally effective when applied appropriately in response to a dangerous choice by a kid, or repeated violation to a clear boundary or behavioral standard, etc. Only the parent preset at the time can make that call. No one else.
For the entire course of human history, corporal punishment has been a thing. I find it very interesting that the crash and burn of child behavior and the stability of families and marriages happened following the 60s social/pseudo sciences becaming prominant in universities. Suddenly a number of so called experts decided they new how to parent better than the parents. Now we have, ill behaved spawn, secreen raised social outcasts, hurt fee fee kids who hate school and their teachers, parents who blame anything and everything but themselves for their failed spawn, medicated drooler kids who are labeled with whatever behavioral excuse based pseudo science syndrome of the month gets some otherwise unemployable person published and any number of kids labeled rather than held accountable for their behavioral choices.
On social media, this tends to be a hot button topic and there is usually notable push back with any number of comments what can can get you arrested in the commenter's State. No actual reference to actual law, just comments about how someone they know or someone they know knows of XYZLMNOP.
In the interest of KISS, abuse can get you arrested. Corporal punishment will not if you are acting in loco parentis. Though being warry of the boundaries is important. IMHO, anger when disciplining is a high risk condition that can tip the scales from discipline to abuse. Having lived in DE for a number of years, it is small enough that you can quickly get to a State line if you need to swat your kid's rump to re-engage cranial connection to acceptable behaviors. An older kid jeopardizing a younger child's life is a full on paddle to the ass disciplinary action IMHO. My eldest nephew got over zealous when wrestling with his younger brother and forcibly pressed is face into a leather sofa for way too long. My brother intervened then applied corporal punishment to his eldest son. My youngest nephew was notably blue when my brother pulled the elder off of the younger. My SIL walked into the room just as my brother had applied the last of a few rump swats. She lost her mind. My brother had to walk her out of the room, set her straight, and inform her of what happened and that she needed to STFU and observe before she interfered in his disciplining of his children. This was one incident resulting from SIL dumping the kids on my brother when he gets home from work and she disappears only to reappear with some issue after dumping the spawn on their father. DW and I avoided this situation with the "work hour" model. Work time was from AM to PM when the person working out of the home left for work until they returned home. At that point, it was our time to deal with the kid, household work, cooking, cleaning, etc. My SIL was miss "I dealt with the house and kids all day, you do it for the rest of the day." This was her model every single day.
My eldest nephew never was too rough with his little brother ever again. This was an expectation that our parents were crystal clear on. No fighting. We knew better. Had we ever fought, it would have been wait in the back yard until USMC dad got home then we would have to fight him. Neither of us was anywhere near that stupid.
All IMHO of course.
Take a look at your State here.
https://kidjacked.com/legal/spanking_law.asp
This kid needs mental health treatment.
There something wrong with her. SECOND SD has two parents, a BM and BF, you are not one of them. SD is upset her BM is a loser and you are not. You must disengage from her. No gifts 1, no paint her room. This is DH job. No cooking. Buying her clothes ect. Also DH job.
You just protect your bio kids. Even if that means SD Must go to daycare and out of your home when DH is away. Dollbabies is right this kid isn't going away. When she becomes a adult nothing will change. BM will still be a loser, SD will follow her steps
Harry gave you some excellent
It’s a painful reality, but sometimes, the real reason your stepdaughter resents you has less to do with anything you did and everything to do with the fact that her biological mother simply doesn’t measure up. In Tina Golik’s video, her RAD stepdaughter flat-out told her why she hated her. It wasn’t about rules or boundaries, or even discipline. No, it was because Tina was a “good mom.”
When a stepchild is stuck with a parent who falls short—whether it’s neglect, instability, or even just emotional absence—they often direct their anger at the stepparent who isn’t a failure. You represent everything they wish their biological parent could be, and that’s a truth some kids can’t handle. They lash out at you, not because of what you’ve done wrong, but because you’re doing everything right.
Harry gave you some excellent advice—drop the rope. Disengage and focus on protecting yourself and those you love. Sometimes, as hard as it is to accept, human love just isn’t enough. Only God can change people, but even then, He doesn’t force change against our will. The harsh truth is that the only person who can change your stepdaughter is your stepdaughter. And if she has RAD or falls somewhere on the Cluster B spectrum, the reality is… that change may never come.
You can pour all the love, support, and patience into the situation, but unless she wants to change, nothing will stick. So you have to draw the line and protect your well-being and the safety of those around you, because waiting for a transformation that may never happen could cost you far more than you're willing to give.
Sounds like RAD
Sounds like RAD
Rags advice is a good starting point – he knows what’s needed.
I personally think you may be dealing with this.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a serious condition that occurs when a child is unable to form secure emotional attachments with their primary caregivers. In my humble opinion, I can't help but notice how similar some step kids' behavior seems to be when it comes to their relationships with stepparents. It’s almost like they develop a version of RAD, struggling to build any kind of bond or trust with someone who isn’t their biological parent. But I digress.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like your stepchild may be exhibiting signs of something very similar to RAD.
Emotional Withdrawal: Children with RAD often appear emotionally detached and may not seek comfort from or respond to caregivers, even when distressed. Or may try to provoke caregivers.
Difficulty Forming Bonds: They may struggle to form meaningful relationships and may show little interest in interacting with others, including caregivers or peers.
Lack of Trust: Due to inconsistent or neglectful caregiving early in life, children with RAD may have difficulty trusting others or feeling safe in relationships.
Fearfulness or Sadness: They may display signs of fear, sadness, or irritability, often without an apparent cause.
Difficulty with Emotional Regulation: Children with RAD may have trouble controlling their emotions, leading to outbursts of anger or frustration.
Other notable behaviors associated with RAD:
Lying
Stealing
Delusional beliefs
Aggressive episodes that a child may not remember (blacking out) after a trigger
Mistrust
Distinct interest in sex (unfortunately, many of these kids fall prey to predators)
Theatrical behavior
Being drawn to drama, or any other attention seeking behavior
Impulsivity
Sudden detachment/withdrawal
I’ve attached a link to Tina Golik’s channel, Life as a RAD Mom. Tina, a stepmother, shares her personal journey dealing with her RAD stepdaughter—who, disturbingly, attempted to murder Tina, her biological father, and other family members by poisoning them. It’s a chilling story, and yet, Tina still offers advice to other parents facing the same nightmare, guiding them on how to manage these deeply troubled children.
Honestly, if I were in Tina’s shoes, I’m not sure I could have handled it with the same level of grace and compassion. I certainly wouldn’t claim to love the stepchild who tried to take my life. I would regret marrying a man who fathered the monster who gave me permanent organ damage and this ‘beloved skid’ has no remorse about it whatsoever.
After reading countless blogs, diving into stepparent forums here, and hearing Tina Golik’s harrowing story, I’ve come to a sobering conclusion: to be a successful—and more importantly, a healthy and alive—stepparent, there’s one crucial trait you absolutely must possess. It’s a realization that Tina, perhaps, didn’t have at first—or maybe didn’t fully understand until she went through her traumatic experience. That trait is the ability to recognize that there are people out there who may look, sound, and act (most of the time, well…in public, at least) like regular human beings, but they are anything but. These individuals are something ‘other’, because they don’t think like normal, empathic people. They have no limits, no moral compass to guide them.
These monsters will harm or kill without hesitation—and sleep soundly afterward.
To survive as a stepparent, you need to learn how to identify when you’re dealing with someone who is morally bankrupt, someone devoid of empathy or basic humanity, and you need to act accordingly. Why? Because sometimes, your very life might be at stake.
And then there’s the moment—cue Goofy’s laughter—“Well, (chuckle, chuckle) I didn’t know that skid was capable of X, Y, and Z.” X being they stole from the stepmother, Y being they harmed the stepparent’s pet, and Z being they actually killed the stepparent. That’s the tone I hear sometimes in Tina’s videos, and way too often in stepparent forums—where, definitely, the bioparents, but also the SMs and SFs brush off what they’ve seen, chalking it up to “children will be children.” They catch the tip of the iceberg, but they ignore the dark, dangerous mass lurking beneath. It’s almost as if they can’t quite believe the kid is capable of real harm—until it’s too late. Did you not say that your SD tried to harm your son? If that was my son, and that monster tried that - he with his sperm donor would have been kicked to the curb. But, I digress.
Tina’s personal story, while told in a slow, conversational style, is an incredibly eye-opening and cautionary tale. It’s a stark warning to any man or woman considering a relationship with a bio-parent who has spawned a child that falls somewhere on the Cluster B spectrum. These aren’t just troubled kids—they’re dangerous. And if you’re not careful, they can destroy you and yours.
What It Feels Like To Parent Reactive Attachment Disorder Children
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZ0khgW5QhE
What NOT To Do With A Rad Child •For Family & Friends•
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlMSybfKZXo
My Story- How I Became A Rad Mom• (Tina is a StepMOM)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7iN92rzsvg
Reactive Attachment Disorder, and Covert Narcissism in Children
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMCwpeWrMTs
Top 5 Deflections RAD Teens Use To Escape Accountability
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1W2nV6-jUo
•The Victim Mentality- How It Rules The RAD Psyche•
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj4C2R3xFJk&t=8s
It does sound like RAD. Also,
It does sound like RAD. Also, spanking (aka whooping in some vernaculars) isn't against the law and is legal. Did we gloss over that the girl tried to drown OP's much younger child?
That said, OP, i don't think you should be the one taking primary care of her. You've been pushed to your limit. Your DH needs to do it or find someone he can pay or will do it for free. This person may need to be an inpatient facility. Please stop watching her and please insist her father get her some mental help, soon. She is the abandoned child of a drug addict mother. There could be both physical effects of the drugs as well as emotional effects from her chaotic childhood. But she is dangerous, she is pushing your buttons, and if you keep trying and giving 100%, you will end up the bad guy to all who look. Your DH is even falling for her manipulation. The things you listed are bad and she is a danger to your children. You may have to leave this guy (your kids aren't his, right? So they won't be stuck with him unsupervised.)
It's admirable that you tried with this girl but it isn't working. Your primary responsibility is to protect YOUR kids.
Could it be she has
A condition such as reactive attachment or oppositional defiance disorder ?
(I was on the fence about such things until I witnessed children with it) Any amount of praise, consequences or punishment simply isn't recognised or effective in dealing with those kids.
Can you get her assessed ?
It could be ODD Oppositional Defiant Disorder!
It could be ODD Oppositional Defiant Disorder!
Common Symptoms of ODD:
Angry/Irritable Mood:
Frequently loses temper.
Easily annoyed or touchy.
Often appears resentful or angry.
Argumentative/Defiant Behavior:
Regularly argues with authority figures, such as parents, teachers, or other adults.
Actively defies or refuses to comply with rules or requests made by authority figures.
Deliberately annoys or provokes others.
Blames others for their own mistakes or misbehavior.
Vindictiveness:
Often spiteful or vindictive.
Has shown vindictive behavior at least twice within the past six months.
Additional Characteristics:
Frequent conflicts with peers or adults: The child may have difficulties in school, at home, or in social settings because of ongoing conflicts.
Low frustration tolerance: They often become frustrated easily and may react explosively in situations where things don’t go their way.
Difficulty maintaining friendships: Their argumentative and defiant behaviors can lead to strained relationships with peers.
Temper tantrums or emotional outbursts: These can be frequent and intense, often disproportionate to the situation.
She has ODD and ADHD, I just
She has ODD and ADHD, I just recently spoke with the school about her behavior at home because she is having issues at school as well and they are bringing in a mental health professional and behavioral therapist.
This child needs help and you need to stop caring for her.
This child needs help and you need to stop caring for her. It is obvious that you are completely overwhelmed and it is not a good situation for either one of you. She clearly has mental health issues and a sense of abandoment because her mother left. When you hit her in anger and say that you don't have to care for her that is confirming her sense of abandoment. Your DH needs to step up and start parenting his child. He needs to arrange for some sort of childcare when he is not there. She needs therapy and testing immediately. If you need to live separately, that is what needs to happen for the sake of all of the children and for you.
As far as spanking the kid ..
As far as spanking the kid ... imo it's discipline unless you go overboard spanking them for trivial reasons, spanking aggressively so as to leave marks/bruises or anything that can be construed as physical abuse leading to CPS at your doorstep
Some kids respond to spanking (or just the mere threat of possibly being spanked) and some don't.
The ones that don't - try something else
Sounds like the child needs a psych evaluation... may need more intensive intervention than what is being currently provided