Breaking every single rule and essentially forget you
SD13 said she was going to friend's house. I said no. She said "too bad". I told her come home now or grounded. She said "no, I need a break from you"... because I found out this morning she had been walking to a bus stop way down the road outside of the neighborhood.
I called the girl's mother and told her SD13 was not given permission to go there.
SD13 texted back "I hope you get it, I called Dad and I'm staying at friend's house".
I said come home now or grounded 1 month.
I am at a loss. She is horrible. I get that she was molested as a child eight years ago, but why does that make her turn into a horrible person at age 12, coincidentally when I get pregnant?
I wish I could take my baby and move out and leave DH until SD13 is 18 and out of the house.
I am afraid she is going to do something or accuse me of something. She is going to different adults and telling them they are the onliest one that can save her and that she trusts... then she goes to another person and another and each of her friends (especially boys).
I want to get away from this kid now. I can't help her. I don't want to put up with her.
The only thing I can do is DISENGAGE. I want nothing to do with her.
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Ever since I got pregnant she
Ever since I got pregnant she has been like this (this past summer). She "suicided" on vitamins, she started "cutting" with a fucking BALLOON, she will "cut" or "kill herself" if she gets called out for ANYTHING, or so she says.
She called her Dad after I told her "Come home right now or you will be grounded for one month".
She had no therapy before this allegation because there had been no allegations those years.
She lived with us forever, she just visited her BM on a few weekends for a few years in elementary school.
I wish I could move out for five years and be away from this kid. I hate dealing with her. I hate having to be responsible for her. I hate that I have always had to do everything for her.
DH is supposed to step up.. we'll see.
I am going to disengage.
OH, she also told her friend's mom (like she has told every friend and every adult) "will YOU help me and not abandon or abuse me like my stepmom and dad and everyone else"... ugh.
Oh I found her facebook
Oh I found her facebook messages to a friend and to three different boys telling them that THEY are the only one in the world who hasn't abandoned her, she's crying and cutting, and will THEY be the ONE to save her and oh her stepmom and dad don't love her enough or care and oh her mom abandoned her and calls only to verbally abuse her (BM's got her problems, but she's never been abusive; neglectful definitely, but not abusive - I think it's a lie).
She's doing this with a teacher at school now too. Making people her "protector". Told CPS worker she was "scared to go home" and that stepmom "was judgmental and yells". Judgmental because I told her she was FORBIDDEN TO BE THE 'DIRTY LITTLE SECRET GIRLFRIEND OF HER BEST FRIENDS BOYFRIEND AKA MISTRESS' and "yells" because I spoke in a firm voice and gave an appropriate consequence. No, I had not yelled. She uses "yelled" to mean "got onto" or "corrected".
Oh and she "Cut" (AKA scratched) her arm the day she knew the CPS worker was coming to see her...
The manipulation is disgusting and she's going further and further with it. THIS is why I am thinking about leaving my wonderful, perfect DH, father of my baby, depriving my son from living with his father. I dont want to, my heart breaks, and I won't unless I have to, but she is not going to stop. I can tell already, she is going to do whatever she wants whenever she wants and God help you if you call her down for it.
I wish we could send her to a mental institution. DH might call one tomorrow. Maybe being back in the mental hospital could help her (although the two weeks in the last one just AMPED HER UP and gave her new ways to push).
I don't want to lose my home, my marriage, my son loose his father. DH said we couldn't talk about it any more because it was making him so depressed he couldn't handle any more, especially when I told him it's not a threat, but you need to know if she does anything to even hint that the baby is in danger from her (or from her making false allegations against me that could lead to temporary foster care placement) I WILL pack us up and move 4 hours away to my hometown in the blink of an eye.
I am so used to (mistakenly) treating her like "my own" that I am going to really have to force myself to DISENGAGE and treat her like a visitor or a neighbor's kid. I will no longer give consequences or do any parenting. I will simply be nice and avoid her.
To me it sounds like she is
To me it sounds like she is going through the, "I do what I want phase." I would talk with your DH about the phone call she claims to have made to him. He might not have known that you had already told her no and I think that you should follow through with the grounding. You said it and now you need to stick to it or you are setting yourself up for similar situations in the future.
I truly am sorry that all this started since the pregnancy. Have you thought about getting her into some therapy so that she can work through some of the emotions that she is experiencing at the moment?
She texted DH and told the
She texted DH and told the friend's mom AND a few of her friends that she was "afraid to go home and went to the friend's house even knowing she'd be grounded because she was afraid to go home to stepmom(me) because I yelled at her and judged her all morning"...
What REALLY happened was I found out she was walking down the busy street outside of the neighborhood sneaking and lying about it and going to her friend's bus stop in the mornings and lying about it. Rule is not allowed to walk outside the neighborhood in first point...
I am afraid to be home alone with this girl I mean she is telling people she's afraid to go home... I did NOT yell at her either, I was very careful not to raise my voice because I was already worried because she told the therapist her "suicidal trigger" is getting in trouble and she said she would cut and kill herself if we got her in trouble... ... .... yeah.
Perhaps you should take her
Perhaps you should take her for a visit to a mental facility and tell her if she threatens suicide, this is where she will end up, constantly being watched and monitored. And YES you need to follow up on the grounding, you told her, and now you need to follow through and your DH back you up...or you can forget ever trying to get her to behave and follow rules.
She was in a children's
She was in a children's mental hospital for two weeks. She WANTS to go back because the therapist and psychiatrist checked on her every hour and "loved her". She came back 10 x WORSE than she was when she was admitted.
MILITARY SCHOOL!!!!!!!
MILITARY SCHOOL!!!!!!!
Did I miss the answer? Did DH
Did I miss the answer? Did DH undermine her completely?
I'm sorry, but if he is at work, and has put the responsibilty of watching after her while he is at work, then when she call him, he needs to say "dont call me at work with this, ask anna"
She's 13. If he wants to support her independence, that's fine, but the libshe was giving you, she should not have been allowed to go,
DH couldn't answer her call
DH couldn't answer her call from work. He picked her up on his way home and essentially told her mental issues and abuse from eight years ago is tragic, we've done everything we can to support you, but this is NOT acceptable and you will not just do what you want when you want.
I told her threatening to cut or suicide to get her way is not going to get her what she wants either.
As for the sexual abuse: I had talks with her regularly about good touch and bad touch and telling an adult and if someone threatened you tell etc. She rolled her eyes and said "GOD I GET IT". When I asked if anyone ever touched her somewhere uncomfortable or scary or hurt her ever or hit her she said "GOD NO NEVER". I was diligent in having talks about safety and she denied it. Now we see it is because she has RAD indiscriminate type. She will go to any adult the same as a parent or in lieu of. She likes to manipulate pity out of them by saying I "yell" at her and she's afraid of ME. **This is why we are afraid the rape thing may be made up**
1. I told DH I want him to find a babysitter to come be with me 4:30 to 6:30 on the days he works because i am afraid to be alone with her. I am afraid she is going to make FALSE allegations against me.
2. I am NO LONGER playing mom to this girl. I will have nothing to do with rules, consequences, or anything. I will be pleasant and polite and that is it. I will be nice to her, I will be kind and supportive, but I will not be responsible for her rules or consequences at all. It is not working. No more parenting from me. I will not "yell" at her (AKA calling her out on something and giving her a reasonable consequence in a firm, stern voice - I NEVER screamed). If she runs the streets, so be it.
3. She will not hold the baby even sitting next to me. She has NEVER been left alone with him (I have NEVER even left her alone with him to go to the bathroom, LITERALLY NEVER). Now, she will not hold him even sitting right next to me because of the creepy shit she had said.
4. If she "cut" over me just calling her out this morning, DH is sending her to a mental hospital *again* tomorrow. We already owe over $700 for her last two-week stint in the psych ward.
5. I am calling CPS worker and telling them about the behavior and me concerns and her being out of control. The CPS investigator offered to find us specialized therapy for the sex abuse.
Good. At least he said
Good. At least he said something to her. Sounds like you have a good plan....:)
I would throw all the help
I would throw all the help you can find at her. Call CPS each and every time she acts out. Send her to therapists until her entire day is spent explaining her story over and over again. Eventually she will slip up and mix up her stories.
I would also let her tell anyone she likes that she will kill herself based oin getting called out for not following house rules. Who cares what other parents think. I wouldn't. You know the truth and when she cries on their shoulder some poor woman will call the police and they will turn up and find you nursing your baby. Her history will speak for itself. All these women shelter this girl yet no one calls CPS for her?
This girl will cry wolf once too often and one day she will need friends and they will all be gone.
Right now, the teacher and
Right now, the teacher and counselor are wrapped up in her allegations of sexual assault she just made against her BM's exBF from eight years ago. It is highly likely true, unfortunately, and that is tragic. It breaks my heart if it is true, especially since I had so many safety talks with her over those same years and she denied anything ever happening and CPS even visited during that year and was in the exBFs house.
However. As tragic as that is and as horrible as her mental illness problems with Reactive Attachment Disorder (OR Borderline Personality OR BOTH) might be - she was perfectly capable of doing homework and not being openly defiant before June. Since my pregnancy and her admission to the mental hospital, she has become completely horrid.
I am really scared that CPS will come and stick my baby in foster care on FALSE allegations SD13 might make against me SOLELY FOR ATTENTION FROM SOMEONE IN THE MOMENT ...or to 'payback' me for giving her a grounding for doing something like blatant disrespect and defiance.
I already sleep in the baby's room to co-sleep (in a twin bed and him in his crib for safety), and now I lock the door. I don't *think* she'd hurt him, but she talks about it real creepy-like and I caught her in here once. I really WOULD give her a reason to fear me if she ever hurts him, for serious!
If she does anything to endanger him at all or even makes any threats, I will be moving out of state to stay with relatives. DH cried when I told him that because he doesn't want to be separated from the baby, but I will not take any risks. I won't go unless I feel I have to for his safety (from potential harm or potential false allegations where he could be at risk for being thrown in foster care because I know SD13 has no conscious and would do it). HOWEVER, to other people, she is the most empathetic, caring, generous, sweet, loveable girl ever in the world and adults just adore her. I still even fall for her crap over and over again.
I told her the next time she
I told her the next time she does not come home after being told "NO", I would call the cops and report her as "out of control" and "runaway" and send the cops to the friend's house and have them take her to Juvie.
I also called the friend's mom and told her that SD13 did not have permission to be at her house. Friend's mom actually DID yell at her when she got home for disrespecting her and her home by going there without parental permission. BAM. Oh..and I told the friend's mom the stuff SD13 told me about the friend, including that the friend took her boyfriend in her home alone and removed her shirt and let him touch her chest. Friend's mom was highly unhappy.
Friend's mom also is not to keen that friend is "cutting" aka scratching her arm because of SD13 and how SD13 is emotionally draining and so abused and mistreated that friend feels responsible for SD13 and trying to make her happy and "save" her.
I wonder if friend's mom will let SD13 back at her home anytime soon...
It is tragic that SD13 apparenntly was sexually abused eight years ago and that she has reactive attachment or borderline or both. I am sad for her. I wish it weren't true. However, I'm not putting up with crap now that could in any way endanger MY child.
Update: This morning, I
Update: This morning, I didn't come down until SD13 left the house for school. I found she did not take her lunch money (she used to never take lunch or keep the money and tell the kids at the table that we wouldn't let her have lunch!!!)..
I ALSO found that the paper with the teacher's email address on it was missing off my computer...and...
the browser was up and open...on this thread.
There is a good chance SD13 read this thread.
I don't know what to think about that. Perhaps good that she knows what she's doing to this family and perhaps bad since she is so mentally ill that she will use it as more fuel and power in her manipulations.
I no longer want to have anything to do with her parenting or consequences, seriously. Not because I don't care about her, because I do care. I simply will not risk her making allegations against me to other people just because I gave her a consequence for bad behavior. I don't YELL or punish, I talk to her and tell her I'm disappointed and it's not acceptable and she has a consequence for the behavior. Sure, my voice is aggitated and stern but she is never called names or spanked or anything like that.
How dare she try to get her way by telling people she was "afraid to go home".
If she does anything remotely resembling anything that could even potentially hurt my son, I will call mobile crisis unit and tell them to come get her and take her to foster care because she is out of control and a danger to other children in the home. I know that sounds cruel, and I don't want to and won't unless I really have to, but I am not going to let her do anything to jeopardize my baby.
OH - and her "secret boyfriend", you know whom she was "with" while he was boyfriend with SD13's BEST FRIEND...he was spreading a rumor that he made up...about ME! I never met this kid! He told all the kids in the class that I sent him a facebook message and called him a N***** and told him to keep his black ass away from my daughter! I never even met this boy nor spoken to him! BFF broke up with him because her mom made her so he went out with SD13 (she lied to us and snuck) and she went to the mental facility so he dumped her and went back to BFF secretly behind her mother's back. So he told everyone that I sent him this HORRIBLE facebook message. SD13 asked him to show her and he couldnt, so he "typed it out what was said" and it was written with horrible grammar, no punctuation, using slang and textspeak, such as "ur" and "N***a" and "dats whut up" in this message I supposedly wrote him. He later admitted he made it up. And SD13 went right back to being his secret girlfriend and writing him how HE is the only one in the world she loves and trusts and how abused she is and how she's crying and cutting right now (she was on the couch in the living room not allowed to have computer in her room).