Life as a stepmother...
So, I'm new to this. I am married to a man who is older than I am. I have a 13 yr old son, he has a 12 yr old daughter and 32 year old son with 2 kids. My SD and I usually get along, last year we went on a vacation and she would be really snotty towards me when her Dad was not around. So, when I was short with her, my husband was irritated with me. I explained to him what was going on and it was like he didn't believe me! My SS32 was there with his family and said something to my husband about how his sister, my SD12, was being a brat to him. Now, all of a sudden, it was believable. This is not the first time, it always takes someone else pointing it out before he sees it. I know girls that age can be like that, but her mother was texting and calling her the entire time we were gone. The BM even tried to start a fight about her daughter forgetting her jacket, we were in California, it was 80 degrees everyday. I really have a hard time with the BM. She has never said anything to me, and portrays that she likes me. But, she does manipulating things that show different. Like, sending a baby shower invite for her oldest daughter(21) addressed to my husband only. The SS32 has her over to his house all the time, but claims he doesn't like her. He invites her to all family things, even plays and music that his young kids have at school and I never get an actual invite to, but I get invited to birthday parties for the kids. Maybe I am just too sensitive, I don't know. My husband and I can't even talk about his kids without arguing. One moment he tells me to be a role model for his daughter, and the next minute I am mean to her and she is being disrespectful when he is not around. I know I am not perfect, and have made mistakes, but I do want this marriage and family to work. How can I talk to the husband without an argument, how can I get him to see God comes first, then your wife, then kids(and I don't mean always, obviously there are times the kids have to come first). We only see the SD once a month if we are lucky because the BM doesn't answer the phone, or the SD has a sleepover every weekend with friends. We have been married 3 yrs, together about 10 total. Looking for some insight!
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It's sad, but that's kind of
It's sad, but that's kind of what it comes to. I am cordial with her, engage in very small conversations with her, and keep it peaceful now. It's not worth all the drama! Unfortunately, her mother has a major influence on her attitude and behavior towards people.
Welcome to our world. I know
Welcome to our world.
I know this sounds like a cop-out but ... these 2 children have parents. SD12 does not need another mother. I would let her rip. Don't engage with her but don't be deliberately rude. If she gets a snotty attitude just tell her "OK, I see how it is." And walk away totally ignoring her. She will complain to her father and you tell him "Well she can be a really sweet girl. However when she is texting and talking to her mother every time she is here she becomes really nasty. I don't do nasty. When she can be polite we can talk. I don't really mind whether you believe me or not. Because she will never ever be rude around you. But this is how it is."
Invites? If you are invited to events that require a gift and no invites for anything else I would leave the gift purchase up to DH. After all, these are his children and his grandchildren. And ask your DH whether the invite to the music recital/ performance includes you too. Of course the kids will invite their mother. My Son In Law says he cannot stand his mother. But he is around there several times a week. I mean it is weird but it is their dynamic. Just make tut tut noises that mean you hear him but do not have an opinion either way.
You cannot MAKE a blended family. I have been married nearly 11 yrs and my kids and DHs kids are seldom in the same room at the same time and we all live in the same small city! Just live YOUR life. Be a good mother to YOUR son. Because SD has a mother (as you may want to point out to DH.) It isn't like you are a pole stripper working in the garage. And if he says BM is this and that, remind him HE had a child with her, not you. The girl has a mother. He cannot force her to accept you or you, her. That is unfair to both of you.
Thank you, oneoffour, I agree
Thank you, oneoffour, I agree with what you are saying. The woman that the SS32 is inviting over is not his mother, but the mother of his sister, so it's a different dynamic altogether. His mother died when he was little. But, what you are saying still applies! I've had those conversations with the husband about the SD. The completely walking away is something I need to work on, I say to her that we don't talk disrespectful to each other here. I've also had the "I'm not your mom, you have a mom" discussion with her. So, life goes on...
The SD is not left alone with
The SD is not left alone with me when she is over on weekends. The time I was speaking of was on our 10 day vacation to California where my husband would be on the patio and her and I in the hotel room, etc. and I am not asking to be put ahead of her during those times, in fact I usually leave with my son for a few hours each day she is with us so she can have alone time with her dad. What I meant by putting your wife first means standing united as one, as a positive example that him and I are a united front for the kids. If they see a divide in us, they play it to their advantage, for example, her being disrespectful and him not addressing it.