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so lost hurt

angelmommy4ver's picture

Submitted by angelmommy4ver on Sat, 07/08/2006 - 12:22am

im so frustered i love my sd i shouldnt have to feel guilty for loving her when she was here this whole summer i took good care of her she was never sick when she had nightmares i was right their for her.
i bought her her birthday gifts.
i cheered her up when she was sad cause her bm didnt call her like she said she would.
i gave her love and attention when she craved it here iam the one who gets all the harshness from bm.
dh gets all this credit that he is the greatest dad he is so great sm is so bad and awful trashy yet i have opened up my heart to love dh and bm's daughter.
i dont get why she hates me so much.
dh and her were never married they were only together 3 months for a booty call as dh puts it.
i have ben with dh for 7 years married 6.
iam so frustered at bm cause she just hurts me so much yes iam the sm but i love my sd and i give everything i can to her all she does is make me feel lousy.
does any one have any answers for me???
im so lost

Comments

Sweetie's picture

Submitted by Sweetie on Sat, 07/08/2006 - 4:29pm

Dear Angelmommy4ever,
Don't feel bad about what you've done, or have you've done it....it's the nature of the beast. You'll never come in 1st, 2nd, or even 3rd with the kids in this situation. Been there, and done that. Eventually, things will flip around some more, and dad won't be as great anymore either. Do the best you can, but make sure that you take care of yourself, and always take the time to concentrate and make your relationship with your husband your number #1 priority. Kids will come and go, they grow up, but who's gonna keep you warm on those cold nights, curl your toes, and stay with you when your old and wrinkled? That's what I think about. My whole world fell apart, but I still have my husband. Take time to think about it.
Regards,
Sweetie

alaw1981's picture

Submitted by alaw1981 on Sat, 07/08/2006 - 7:01pm

I agree with Sweetie's comment. Take care of yourself first. I have learned that the best way is to be there for the kids if they need you, but don't get too attached. Yes, it sounds quite one-sided but this prevents you from getting hurt. Kids will change their minds a thousand times. They may hate their bio mom but one day love and miss her and she will be #1 while you are #2 despite all you have done for them in the meanwhile. Just be there for them but focus back more on yourself and your relationship with your husband. Everything else will fall in place. Most importantly, stress that you should always be respected especially since you are the step parent and you are an adult and should not be disrespected. My step kids go from calling me "Mom" to "Miss ..." and I'm fine with it either way. Lately I do more things for myself and promote them to be with their bio mom. I know it is hard and I think a lot of us go into it thinking this will be a dream come true, a ready-made family, the "perfect" family, and that you can be the best mom to them they ever had. But as reality sets in you will just need to be yourself and look out for yourself. After all, you got in to it (probably) for you so keep it that way. I wish you luck.

Sherrylyn's picture

Submitted by Sherrylyn on Sun, 07/09/2006 - 10:59pm

My SS's, 19 &17, love me, call me Mom, but they will treat biomom with kit-gloves & make time for her on short notice with one phone call. We, my husband & me, can make plans with one months notice & reminding them every week, & they will still cancel on us.

There is just something there that we can't compete with. The children often feel that they would be betraying biomom by showing us all the affection they may have for us. Take care of yourself, love your family & pat yourself on the back for each day you make it through.

I pay myself $1 for every day I make it through or don't kill someone, then when I'm really stressed I spend some of that money on me. It helps.