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things getting worse with me and DS15

AngeLily's picture

Submitted by AngeLily on Fri, 10/12/2012 - 7:03pm

I just saw DS15, he wont come to my home so I have to arrange visits at my mom's house. It seems as if the wedge between us is getting bigger and now he is withdrawing from my DD. It is difficult to see him acting like a mini version of XH. It hurts a part of my heart to go through this whenever he allows me to see him. I have tried so hard to not hate my XH for all he put us all through and continues to put us through, but I feel like he has convinced DS15 that I am all the things he runs around saying about me. DS15 has SEVERE acne and it doesn't seem to be improving and I want to smack him for not taking him to the dermatologist. I want to smack him for not using my insurance to help my son, he isn't punishing me by not using my insurance and paying for visits and meds out of his own pocket! He is punishing my son by not helping him as much as he could be! I feel so helpless. Now they are saying they can't find DS12's glasses he left. AGAIN not punishing me, I can get new ones, they are punishing him for not living there.....

Comments

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Fri, 10/12/2012 - 7:14pm

All I can say is I am so sorry however this is something your son will need to work out on his own. If he EVER says anything about his health just say "Your father has your insurance card. It will cost next to nothing to use. But I will leave that decision up to him."

It takes a real effort to step back and let things happen. He is 15 and identifying with his father. He copies him because he thinks his father is a hero. When he realises what a wanker your ex is then he will come around. But it might take a few years.

Are you able to arrange meal out somewhere? Arrange to meet at Olive Garden or Applebees. Don't make it seem like you are doing him any favours for seeing you. If he declines just tell him something like .."Maybe next time then." Act like it isn't a big deal.

As for DS12s glasses, just tell him he needs to find them. They are HIS glasses. Or can he get away with cheap cheater glasses while he is there?

12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Fri, 10/12/2012 - 8:04pm

We are going thru the same thing with SS15 (stnc16). It's worse with him than what we went thru with SD. Sd still came for visits until she graduated hs. Ss stopped in Jan 12....claiming our house is boring. Dh sees SS once a week, during football season dh sees him eowe on Su.day only at DHs mom.

Currently bm slammed dh saying he washed his hands of sd (he emancipated her at 1 mo shy of 21- and she had been out of college for 7 mo.) Blah brother referred to DH as a sperm donor.

Dh is beyond hurt.....and the more ss rejects dh the less dh wants to be involved with him

AngeLily's picture

Submitted by AngeLily on Sat, 10/13/2012 - 2:27pm

It's hard. I've discovered "custody" means very little. I have custody but the ex doesn't honor it. He's a master manipulator and twists words so he makes it come of as your own decision and I dealt with it as an ADULT! I know he just wants his daddy to love him and be proud of him. I just get glimpses of him and see his my previously straight A student, barely passing. My child who three years ago wanted to dress nicely and be clean, neglect his personal hygiene and have cystic acne that is not being effectively treated. Now I have my DS12, who has always struggled with school and has never cared about how he looked or smelled, with me so no argument can be made. Despite the fact that THIS child has not changed dramatically. My ex stirs it, rolls in it, causes it, and acts like it and always comes up smelling like roses. I try to be a damn adult and be fair and nice and manage to be screwed regardless.