Is it normal for a dad to be sleeping in his 10yr old daughters bedroom
I've just moved in with my partner of 6 yrs. He has a 10yr old daughter and I've always known he's been quite smothering and over protective of her. Before I moved in they slept in his bed together I tried to bring this up a few times gently to ask him if he thought that was appropriate as I don't. I had a very loving upbringing but never slept in my parents bed unless I was ill or had a nightmare. He did start putting her in her own bed before I moved in as I was concerned she would see me as a threat if it happened as I was moving in. But when I moved in I realised it wasn't as simple as what he made out.
First of all he takes her to bed at 8pm and reads her a story etc but waits for her to fall asleep before he leaves the room. This is often a 2hr thing. But most of the time he falls asleep on the bedroom floor all night and doesn't come into our bed. If he doesn't fall asleep on the floor and gets into our bed and at some point in the night she comes into our room and demands he "comes back to bed" and he goes and stays on the floor till she falls asleep again.
I'm so completely new to this step parenting and I have no children of my own to compare it too but everytime I try and approach it with him he gets very defensive and accuses me of wanting her out of the way which is completely false as I involve her in everything I can.
I just don't know if this is right and if it isn't what I do about it? Thanks in advance for any advice it's weighing down heavily on my mind!
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No, it is not normal.
No, it is not normal. The majority of 10 year olds are perfectly capable of sleeping on their own. This is your SO's fault. How often is she there?
Not normal
I'd think deeply about whether you want to stay in this relationship. It sounds like dad and daughter have a lot of changes to go thru, who wants to stick around for all that. Unless both are very mature, they will both probably resent you, blame you and rebel against the needed changes.
Throw this one back, its going to be too much work. Good luck.
This... it's going to be too
This... it's going to be too much work and, I will add, you will be the "bad guy". Probably won't work anyway...there was one member on here that her dh was still "tucking in" his 20something year old daughter! Do you even want to risk that reality?
That's me. My SD32 was 23 and
That's me. My SD32 was 23 and still announcing, "I'm ready Daddeeee," and that was H's signal to go for a tuck-in ritual. I'd walk down the hall and see my SD's 5'8" body hanging over her little white princess bed and batting her eyelashes while H sat on the edge of SD's bed for their nightly tuck-in ritual. Today, my SD is 32 years old, a mother of her 9 month old and still has to have CONSTANT contact with Dadddeeeeee. After 25 years, I've made an exit plan because it'll never change. I'm literally exhausted. Toss this guy back. He's already married and it's not to you.
I don't know how you keep from purging!!!!
I don't know either. I have
I don't know either. I have actually told H in couples counselling that the bullshit between those two literally make me sick. The counsellor even had a look on her face as if someone stuck a turd under her nose. Our family physician told H that in over 35 years of practicing family medicine he's never heard of such an extreme dynamic. Of course H just does his blanking out thing when he doesn't know how to respond and nothing ever changed.
She lives with us full time.
She lives with us full time. She only sees her mom one day a week but she's recently asked if she can have her stay over (her living arrangements weren't available to have her daughter as she was sleeping on someone's sofa) as she has a new house I thought great we will have some time together one night a week but he has expressed concerns about her sleeping at her moms house as she has a new boyfriend. I get that as he's just trying to protect her but I feel this night time routine is over compensating for what her mother has lacked in.
It does very much feel like it's them two and then me. Sometimes he will go a few nights where he'll be in our bed all night and then it reverts back again
I would move out ASAP. Dump
I would move out ASAP. Dump this guy. You've already wasted 6 years. Get out while you can.
Nope, this isn't normal.
Nope, this isn't normal. When I first started spending the night with my now-DH, his kids (then toddler/preschool age) were sleeping with him. That was bad enough - a 10 year old is WAY too old to be sleeping with Daddy. I told DH that I would NOT be spending the night until he had his kids sleeping in their own room without him having to stay with them. Somehow he got that done VERY quickly - amazing what a man can do when he's incentivized.
In your case, I'd give him some very limited amount of time to get his daughter sleeping in her room all night WITHOUT him, and without him needing to spend a couple hours getting her down. Failing that, I'd move right back out. If he wants to be in a relationship with a live-in girlfriend, he needs to get his life in order to accommodate that. There aren't a lot of women who are willing to sleep with an unrelated child or have their SO spending his nights on the floor of his daughter's room instead of in bed with them.
Edited to add: DH's kids are now 8 and 6 and they sleep in their own rooms, get ready for bed on their own, and don't need anyone to read them a bedtime story or sit with them while they fall asleep. Our bio is 1-1/2 and she sleeps in her own room. We put her down in her crib and leave the room - she falls asleep on her own. Your husband has created a problem and he needs to fix it.
This is some great advice
This is some great advice thank you! I think putting a deadline on it sooner rather than later will help to see if he is willing to make room for me in his life
No.
No.
Of course it’s not normal
The timing isn't there for this to work. Your boyfriend isn't ready for a live-in relationship. You're just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Sorry, I am sure this isn't what you want to hear - but you need to move out and find someone ready to share their life with you - not someone who shoehorns you into their dysfunctional domestic situation.
I'll tell you what I wished someone would have told me
When you get into a relationship with a single dad...you need to ask yourself one question. Why just one question? Because the answer to that question covers every single aspect of the relationship...and that question is....
Does your partner make enough room for you in his life as a single dad?
My ex didn't. My ex had his demon seed on all his days off...so,,,,, how can he expect to have a relationship with me?
Your man sleeps with his 10 year old daughter (creepy af) so,,,,, how is he making room for you? Your man should be dying to get his hands on you, spend time with you alone in bed, cuddle, enjoy lying next to you away from his daughter. But he doesn't and the reason why is because he doesn't want to make the room in his life that's needed to make you happy because all he cares about is his daughter. A lot of single dads are like that. They just want an instastep mom. They want a maid. They want anything but to be a good partner to their woman.....they just want their kid and if you want to hang around and simmer on the back burner...cool.
You think this bothers you now? Give it time my girl. I was bothered too when I first moved in with my ex...then I got annoyed....then I got pissed...then I had nothing but contempt for both of them.
Get out now
xoxo
This is so true it always
This is so true it always gets thrown at me that she comes first and where does that leave me! He completely gas lights me and makes me start to question whether I am being selfish and needy but I'm a really independent woman which is why I think it's worked up till now. But I need more from a relationship now and he's not stepping up
RUNNNN
Too many red flags. Save yourself and cut bait now. You will become the bad guy instantly if you try to correct this by setting a deadline. The precedent has already been set.
Many have gone before you and have tried to "reform" enmeshment with a 99.999% failure rate. It is like trying to suspend gravity. The trap is thinking:
"my case is different, nobody else has tried/cares as much as I am willing to do."
"I work with children... how hard can it be?"
"But he is so awesome when skid is not there ( which is all part of the bait and switch)."
You have been warned.
If his daughter comes first,
If his daughter comes first, then he has no business dating much less living with someone. You deserve better then to be second choice.
Some dads should just be dads
Some dads should just be dads and nothing else. The dads who can't make room for a woman shouldn't waste a woman's time.
Been there, done that when I let my ex make me believe he cared about my happiness when all he cared about was his son's
Don't let him waste your time and no, you're not being selfish. Not your kid, not your problem.
Exactly this!
Exactly this!
He rather play with his DD
Then you. He all ready told you where you stand. Not second but third. You don't need this leave find someone who will make you number one