My story to anyone interested
When I stepped into this chat room I had no idea what I was getting into, but I am definately glad I did. There is so much support that I know has helped me through a few tough times. I wish I would have found it sooner. I consider myself a strong person. Opinionated, tough and rough, but nothing has ever prepared my for the roll of stepmotherhood. I wanted to put my story out there cause I'm sure some of you are going WHAT?, WHO IS THIS? So here it goes. My DH and I dated since Oct. 2004 married since Feb. 2006. I was married before for 8 yrs to a turd whom I didn't love. I have two bio chld with him, D9 and S7. My DH and I moved in together Mar. 2005, with my biokids in tow and DH son, who has lived with him since he was 5, is 11 now. Within 3 mnths DH's daughter, she's 8 now moved in with us with permission from BM. DH continued to pay BM child support for both kids while they lived with us. It made me very bitter toward him and furious with the BM. She constantly made excuses as to why she couldn't forward CS DH was paying to her for their kids.(I have to get my teeth fixed, my car is broke down, I have to pay daycare for my other kid(not DH's thank God) etc, etc, etc.) You get the point. We were on the verge of financial ruin trying to support 4 children. Our utilities were cut off more than once. At times the fridge was empty. I borrowed money from my parents to help. I was so pissed all the time about some dumb B*tch being so selfish. I was getting CS from my ex, I was working 50 plus hours, so was DH. But it seemed to never be enough. Finally, I got DH to file with our state to stop CS. At the time he was resilliant to mess with her. But I was determined that eventually BM would have to help support her children. He got CS stopped. So we went on with life as it was. I found out I was pregnant Dec 2005. Our son was born Aug 2006. I continued to harbor my hatred for skids BM. She never once helped with paying babysitter during the summer, no doc bills, no school activities, no school supplies, no clothes, no food, nothing. Then my DH inherited some family land and we built a house, a bedroom for each kid. Not a big house, but just enough for DH, me and 5 kiddos. Things started to go bad with a mortgage payment etc and I got angry again at the situation.(things are great now)but at the time I thought to myself, now why does BM get to mooch off her parents(she lives with them), spend her money how she pleases(dope, booze, partying) and doesn't have to worry about the well being of her two kids. DH started working more hrs and I was being left here to raise all these kids practically by myself. My kids dad worked all the time he didn't ever try to parent.(never has, never will) Skids BM is always too busy with her social life. So everthing has been left up to me. School, discipline, raising you name it. I have been very bitter. Well, 3yrs and dealing with this kind of crap have flown by and I finally get DH to take the BM back to court for custody of his kids and for their BM to pay child support. To be very honest it was an absolutly wonderful feeling to step into the courthouse knowing that we had already won and BM knew it. I wanted her to suffer as we had. I wanted her to hurt as I have. So now I am trying to find my peace. I still don't like the woman cause she always plays the victim. But I am definately not going to be angry with my DH anymore. It's not his fault she's an idiot. We had some big knock down drag outs about BM, but now that that is behind us I shouldn't have anymore gripes. Right?????
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Comments
Resentment...
It is so easy to harbour resentment and it sounds like you could write a book on "Things to really piss you off" My goodness, you have been through the wringer and back eh?
Sounds like you have done a wonderful job handling financial problems and 5 children, working, being pregnant, giving birth and picking up the slack for your Dh's children.
But it seems you have started to mend your relationship with DH and starting to let go of those resentments you had, it will take time I'm sure but you have been through alot so don't be to hard on yourself. You sound strong so keep taking a step forward everyday and soon enough it will all be a bad memory. Good luck!
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
I don't get it
Why are these dads so resistant to filing for child support from the mothers? Do they not expect the moms to help support the kids as well? Considering the fact that these moms would file for cs (if they had custody) so fast it would make your head spin, it is only right that custodial dads receive cs as well. It is absurd that these women still expect to receive support even though they don't have custody.
Did he end up getting a support order? If so, does she actually pay it?
yes
Yes DH did get a support order and a order of withholding for her job. Which is good because if it were left up to her she wouldn't pay it. CS should begin Dec. 1 just in time for Christmas!!!!
My kids biggest cheerleader
I went to a....
divorce class through a local church after I split from my ex-husband. One of the most profound statements was made by the advisor/counselor. "You can't bury something that's alive...." If your anger is still "alive" you can't bury it and until you are able to not be angry, you can't bury it. Until you are ready to bury that anger, you will never be able to move forward with someone new.
So I went through the normal process of being angry. And when I was done being angry, I was able to move forward. I came to the realization that I needed to get over all the things my (ex)husband had put me through BUT I just wasn't ready yet. I found comfort in my anger and it brought me strength....until I felt that I didn't want to be angry anymore. Then and only then, I buried that bitterness and moved on.
Your BM cashed checks that weren't owed to her. She literally took the food right out of her children's mouths (along with yours) and put it right into her pocketbook. You have every right to be mad...so be mad at her and when you are damn good and ready...you'll get over it. Until then, (from one mom of 5 to another) you can come here and get it ALL off your chest.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Ps.
I bet once you cash that first CS check from her....you will feel sooooo much better!
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
This is so true!
It's like the five stages of grief... it's a process. You have to go through the four previous stages before you get to stage five, acceptance. Grief isn't the only emotion that requires a process to get past. Anger is another one. The thing about emotions, especially the powerful ones, is that you have to allow yourself to experience them in order to move on. You can't forgive and accept until you have resolved the anger, just like you can't find peace and accept a death until you have fully grieved the loss. Allow yourself to feel what you feel until that feeling morphs into whatever emotion comes next... relief, disinterest, peace, happiness, etc. The worst thing you can do is hold it in, because sooner or later, you run out of space and you'll just explode.
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!
Yeah whats with that???
Not long ago SS voiced his desire to live here with us. We discussed it some incase it happened. My DH straight off the bat says "we wouldn't ask her for CS would just be better leave it to us, she would just go off anyway and we could afford it" I just stand there mouth agape What the...?
She is more than happy to take our money to help with SS and we are happy to pay, but you miss $1 of her CS and she is going apeshit about it and what so she wouldn't be put out you would not mention it her?? We pay Cs and buy all his clothes and toys and things he needs at our house, she won't even pack a bag to save buying double of everything..would we go for CS, you bet ya bum we would!! Even if it were $10 a week she would still have to support her child! What is with some men!! UGH!
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
More bonus points for my DH.
Most of the oldtimers here know our deal... BM won't let us have even the EOW visits, blah, blah, blah, so we finally just moved away. But back when we were all living in the same state, we approached her about letting us take the kids for the whole summer. She was having marital problems, so she agreed and even said that depending on how it went, she might agree to continuing on through the school year and letting us have them during the week and she'd get them on the weekends. It was great! We were thrilled, the kids were thrilled, she was relieved that she could work on her marriage without having to deal with three kids, two of whom are exceptional children. It was the most pleasant, agreeable, non-hostile discussion we've ever had with her. Then as they were making plans for what day we'd actually have the kids move in with us, DH asked her, "What are we going to do about the CS, because you'll need to pay me instead of me paying you for the months that the kids are with me full-time." That was the end of that. She actually expected him to KEEP PAYING HER! No way in hell was he going along with that. She was already getting half his salary and the four of us were struggling as it was. No way we could've made it with three additional mouths to feed. Needless to say, we didn't get the kids again for almost a year and forget ever having them live with us.
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!
Your DH
Is one of the smarter ones. I think my Dh is so sick of her crap he would just be glad to have SS here and never had to worry about her again..you should hear the latest crap she is pulling...wish she would get a life!!
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Sometimes I wish
Sometimes I wish that CS and visitation depended upon each other. If you withhold visitation...BOOM...no CS. I know in the real world it would never work but if it were that way, how many BM's would gladly enforce visitation just to keep getting that $$$.
Sasha...
I agree. Kids are just pawns to some women!! Our CS gets used to enhance her social life guarenteed and we get no say when we will and won't see him she calls all the shots! If she got no CS if he didn't see him you can guarentee that would change! Great idea!!
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
d
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Just wanna say
You guys are all awesome and I really feel welcome here. Everyone have an awesome Thanksgiving. I know I'm eating a truck load of dressing.
My kids biggest cheerleader