All Hell is breaking loose

HB is yet again allowing BM to dictate MY time. She is suppose to have skids over the holiday dec. 28-Jan. 1. Today she called and told him how the cow ate the cabbage and has scheduled her holiday time once again around her social life. I told DH I wanted her to take her kids on the ordered days so as I could do the things I wanted and needed to do without kids around.(relax for #1) Anyway, he naturally agreed to her proposed days and that has left me holding the bag. Because he works I stay with the kids. I am beside myself with anger. This has happened the last 3 years. I just want to pack my shit and leave. How can a man choose an ex over the person he supposedly loves?

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I was just going to say what Cruella said

tell him to find daycare, he should be discussing these things with you and asking if you'd like to watch HIS children....I've had issues with this in the past with my BF and finally refused flat out to watch his son because he'd make plans with exwife without discussing them with me and I'd end up babysitting...put your foot down!!

DON'T LET HIM

do that to you. Somehow you need to be gone those days. I remember once my husband wanted his boy over while I was on vacation & he was going to be at work. I looked at him and said....and who is going to watch him?????? He didn't ever even consider it. I am not babysitting for anyone.

You have to stick up for you

I'm 7 years into this stuff and I'm finally "getting" it. Carve out what you need for you or you'll drive yourself insane with resentment, anger and seething. I swear, I don't know if men just don't think or they're so thick in the head or what. Seemingly intelligent men can do the dumbest things to the people they are supposed to love the most....take charge of your destiny.

I think

that some men (not all)think that because we have a uterus, we love to watch children. NOOOOOOOOOOT

It's not about

the kids. It's the fact that if BM doesn't want them on her time who is left ME. Do I not have any say in this? DH didn't even take into concideration my feelings. I am sick to death of him letting her dictate everything.

My kids biggest cheerleader

let him learn with his same trick

Your DH should have checked with you before agreeing to take the kidsPERIOD,END OF SUBJECT, he did not so I would plan something rather large without asking him ,and say , oh , I am sorry I thought since you did not feel you needed to consult with me that it was the new rule in our relationship that we can now do what we please without consulting the other.
Try a large spending spree, a day he is off where you just leave because you have plans , etc. So sorry , he is the one that ahs introduced this in your relationship, let him take ownership of this and learn that respect is needed.

New rule for me

I made the rule now that SD is only invited when DH can be with her, in person, the ENTIRE TIME. If he has to go to work or the store, she has to go to work or the store. I don't want her here unsupervised AT ALL. And I am not keeping her any more by myself.

Most Evil

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

leave

"I just want to pack my shit and leave." Do you have some where you can go the day before and come back the day after? My X used to do the same thing and so I had to get it stopped. The best way to stop it is do the same thing to him. I would leave the day before and come back the day after. I only had to do that one time and it stopped. He found out how it felt to be dumped on and treated like an indentured servant. If I am going to be doing the work then people need to ask me or other wise I will not be available.

I tell my mom

everything. Her and my dad are going on a trip during that time and have offered their house for me to go.

My kids biggest cheerleader

If BM doesn't want them...

...then SHE can find and pay for a babysitter. I'd call her up and say, "I'm sorry, but I cannot watch your children on those days. So either you will need to take them yourself or you will need to find another babysitter." I wouldn't even include your DH in it. He didn't include you when he made the decision to decide how your time would be spent.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

Thanks Anne!!!

Just the push I needed. But instead of calling, I sent an email cause I was afraid I couldn't speak to that woman without cussing her out.

My kids biggest cheerleader

Ohh.. I like Anne's

Ohh.. I like Anne's suggestion!

It is so sad...

that so many biomoms don't want their children on the weekend. I was married for 23 years with three kids & was divorced when my last was 18 years old to the day! I wanted to divorce years earlier & (in my situation) I could stick it out until the youngest was 18 BECAUSE I never wanted to share my children. I would close my eyes & see them going back & forth & it broke my heart-----so I thought, better I suffer. I know that not all cases that is even a remote possibility but more to the point here is that I see many of these biomoms literally dumping their children off on women they don't even know. SS's mother has never even met me & she never allows SS to join sports or have any weekend interest for fear that she lose her "free" weekend. YIKES, THE POOR PARENTING SKILLS HERE. What happened to total selflessness for your offspring?? I am constantly in shock when I hear these horror stories. & then people wonder why the kids are having troubles.

do like i did

this is a sticky situation at best because we the stepmoms have to pick up the slack when DH has no backbone and is oblivious to the fact that we have a life. About 3 months into my marriage i found that my Dh would bring over his daughter 12 and dump her off on me whilst he goes on to do his usual weekend stuff. Needless to say I told him I am not a baby sitter and that if he brings her over on the weekends then he should free up the weekend to spend that time with her. I mean it's not like he was helping me with laundry or grocery or whatever. And then mmy DH asks me why he has to miss playing his usual SUnday sport!!!!!!!! I told him well, YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A CHILD YOU DUFUS!! and I can babysit when you some something important to do (by the way the only important thing I consider is a funeral ) He sulked for about a month and then he got used to it. NOw he ASKS me, he does not assume!! So yes I agree with Most Evil.......make this a rule. It's not too late.

No babysitting anymore

My husband never got his kids before he met me. I made the mistake of telling him we would help. Well, his idea of help was watch them while he worked 12 hour shifts or work and then go "play" out at our country property.

This summer really put an end to that. My mother would watch all the kids during the summer while we were at work. His oldest two, 11 and 12, didn't want to go there. They aren't staying in my home unsupervised! They were rude and obnoxious the entire month they were here. Not only to my mom but me and my kids. Now, when he talks about getting them I just ask if he can take the time off? I've tried to nicely explain that his brats don't like us and that we aren't watching them anymore. He got a little upset Monday when I mentioned this again with the holiday break coming up and he hung the phone up on me. I called him back and very calmly said don't hang up on me this is what I'm trying to tell you. Until tonight, I'm not sure if they are coming or not. I REALLY hope they don't! It will be the first Christmas I will be able to enjoy in 5 years! If they do come, I'm going to my mom's. I absolutely refuse to stay in the house with him and them again. He aggravates me as much as they do because he won't deal with the issues or the attitudes. All of our household rules are gone when they arrive and the SD that lives with us is the only child of his that gets in trouble for anything when they are here. It seems to be the only time she does anything wrong is when they are here and he's constantly on her a$$.

it's not that bm doesn't

it's not that bm doesn't want her own kids over the holidays. these kind of bms just want to mess up ex's new life along with wife. i came to realise that bms leave their own children out of the situation and put their priorities first. they do it just to mess with us and if they get away with it the first and second time then for sure they will continue on doing it (they get a kick out of it). oh1 and daddy won't contradict bm because they are "pussies" and think that if they don't agree with bm then she will not let him see the kids anymore wich is bull crap.
so in conclusion mentally ill bio mommy does all these things to mess with you and daddy agrees to her commands because he does not understand the rules of custody.

Go Anne Go!!

Excellent advice!!

When our skids were younger and in need of supervision, BM would pull this all of the time... My point was/is... when you have the kids its your responsibility to cover yourself. We never asked her or my ex to take the kids when we needed a babysitter.. we hired one.

Its not that much different now.. read my blog (BLAH). They will be here all the rest of this week all of next week (with holiday break--I hope they sleep til 3pm)... Because of other reschedling of family celebrations not coordinated, Dec 18 through Jan 2... and then back again on Jan 4 through 11. That's almost a whole month!!

Oh yeah and I am the one that buys groceries. My bill just went up at least $525. I think I will start charging both DH and BM child support!!!!

Can't wait for the January thaw!!!

Does anyones opinion change if

this is the skids primary home? DH has custody. Bm only gets skids every other weekend and never during spring breaks, summer breaks etc, unless I throw a hissy and say I'm going somewhere else if she don't take them. Then and only then does DH tell her she needs to take them for a few days, reluctantly. He gets mad at me for saying I won't be around if she doesn't take skids during her scheduled times and you have to deal with it. Why? It's not my fault she doesn't want them and DH expects me to watch them cause he has to work. All I ask for is what those two agreed on when they signed the custody papers, is that to much??? I know my name isn't on that paper saying well if BM can't or won't take kids, I'll have to.

My kids biggest cheerleader

NOnononononono

In fact, I would be more adamant.

I know my name isn't on that paper saying well if BM can't or won't take kids, I'll have to. I love that sentence!!

I'm a day late and dollar short but the same crap

is going on in our house, too, and I am livid over all of it. DH has custody of his son, and it's BB's year for Christmas/New Year's. I've been asking DH for the last month to make sure he's made arrangements because I am not available Dec. 22nd - Jan. 1st especially since DH is working BOTH holidays. Need I even mention that BB has NEVER taken her son for NYE?!?! I rather resent that DH allows her to get away with it. DH ASSumes that we're, rather *I* am going to allow her to tell us when she's available to take her own son and I will drop everything to suit their schedules.

Has anything been resolved since you emailed the BM? My DH just got pissy with me last night because I made the mistake of asking when BB was picking up Precious, as if I don't deserve to know what is going on in my household. In retaliation, he told me that from now on, I was supposed to take care of visitation arrangements. I'm just so bloody sick of the whole thing.

Tookie, your problem is solved!

Since it's now YOUR call, make BM take ETERNAL VISITATION! 24 hours a day, 365 days a year... Precious can be his mommy's cross to bear. Problem solved!

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

That'd go over like a

lead fart! :jawdrop:

My opinion doesn't change.

You didn't give birth to them and, unless you've adopted them, they are not YOUR responsibility. If BM is supposed to have them, then she needs to take them. If she refuses, then DH needs to figure out what to do with them. Either way, not your kids, not your problem. If you want to put the fear of God into her, tell her your going back for more CS, because you all are bearing the added expense of having the kids on her days.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

Here's my email to BM if you guys want to read it

The holiday schedule that you proposed to Mike is not going to work. I have had plans for us the weekend of the 28th thru the New Year. If he wants to give you extra time that’s his decision. He did not consult me when arrangements were made for the Christmas holiday, therefore you will need to take the kids on your scheduled time per court order. It will no longer be assumed that I will “babysit” for you on your scheduled time by either you or Mike. You will need to make arrangements for all your court ordered visitation throughout the year, as I will no longer be a available when you choose not to take your kids during those times. That includes summer vacation, so you might want to read your court order. I am not here for your mere convenience.
Neither I nor DH have heard hide or hair from BM.

But later after I read Anne's comment about the child support, I sent another email and it goes like this:

If you so choose not to take your children during your scheduled times, then we will be forced to take you back to court for more child support being as we are bearing the added expense of having the kids on your days.

I can tell you what's going to happen, BM is going to do what she wants and drop the kids off Dec. 28, but here's what I propose. I'm going to wait til DH goes to work, load the kids up and drop them off at dear ol' moms house and haul ass. What do you guys think?

My kids biggest cheerleader

You go girl!

I think you did a damn good job of telling her how it was. I sincerely hope your DH is behind you on this. Are you able to see if she read the email you sent (I know on AOL I used to be able to see if a person opened an email I sent)? Please keep us posted!

Perfect!

Those emails were absolutely great! Congratulations. Maybe your DH will learn from you.

And yes, if she drops them off, take them back. Tell the kids it was a mixup in plans.

Congratulations!

d

She read the emails

and of course called DH today. He let her ramble on and then he told me she said if I continue to act this way she will take him back to court for custody of the kids. He says he told her to do what she thinks shes got to do. He told me that he will not lose his kids because of me, and will not be dominated by me. He told me that my emails were basically inappropiate and that I should back off and let him handle things from now on. Needless to say she will be keeping the kids on her time. I think DH is resentful that I put my foot down and he had to make the choice of going with me or doing whatever BM proposed. He says he's not but you can just here it in the tone and see it in his eyes. But what I don't get is why did I have to throw a fit to get this to happen?

My kids biggest cheerleader

Are you upset?

About the outcome or the comments your DH has made to you?

Those emails were FAR from inappropriate. This has nothing to do with you dominating anyone. If your DH is pissed, then he should've scheduled time off of work to take care of HIS kids since the BB didn't want HER kids. I sincerely hope you already put your foot up his ass or you will make him pay dearly for the comments he made which were most definitely inappropriate.

Sounds

like he has the guilt syndrome intertwined with the Mr. Macho disease. " He told me that he will not lose his kids because of me, and will not be dominated by me." He's afraid of his X, scared of losing his kids, and you seem to come in 4th (after himself).

There was nothing wrong with those emails. There is nothing wrong with sticking up for your life----if you don't do it (stick up for yourself), it looks like no one will. When HE handles things, you get thrown under the bus.

Betcha a million bucks that if someone would make him honorary babysitter that he wouldn't allow it because that would mean that he would be "dominated" by someone else!

It seems to me that he doesn't know what you are worth.

Hope things calm down for you and that it never happens again. I wish you peace.

It's not over yet

As you all know I got my way, so DH says. Bm is taking skids through New Years. She threatened to take the kids from him and he said not one word about it, except do what you got to do but is mad about those emails I sent to her. WTF??? So now I'm pissed cause he slammed me for emails to dearest and didn't confront BM about the threat. I just want to punch the SOB in the face. He says I don't have to deal with her I have to deal with you. I sent him an email at work explaining what's up.
Ya'll wanna read it:::
I just want to clarify to you that I am not mad, just disappointed because throughout this whole ordeal and others before, I feel like the finger has been pointed at me. If I didn’t voice my opinion about an issue with any situation you two not me would have been fine. I feel like you blame me for all the turmoil that is going on and that has gone on from day one. You don’t give BM or yourself any percentage of the blame. She does how she wants, talks to you how she wants and you surrender to it regardless of other people involved. It leads me to believe that you have and will continue to allow her to pretend she is still your wife. The way you deal with her makes me mad the most, you are always so reverent, like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs. You say it’s the I don’t give a shit attitude, I don’t believe that for one second. It is disrespectful to me. Anytime I have seen you deal with people other than her, including myself you are always demanding and in your face. Is it that difficult to be mad at her? This has caused me to realize that I must be better off by myself. I shouldn’t have to share you with another woman. I feel defeated by her because you continually allow her to use the kids as a crutch or maybe it’s just your own guilt trip. You always excuse her for her behavior or lack thereof. You’ve probably have never made the comment to her that you would rather the kids not go over there anyway or what a crappy parent you think she is, have you? I already know what you are going to say, I am out of my mind I don’t know what I am talking about but just so you know actions speak louder than words. We will continue through Christmas as planned, then I am taking my kids and we are moving back to ________. You can thank yourself and your exwifey for that. Be mad at someone else for a change

My kids biggest cheerleader

What bothers me the most...

...is him saying he will not be dominated by you. But BM is "dominating" him when she does whatever she wants with the visitation without regard to him or you. And he attempted to "dominate" you by agreeing to the change even though you weren't free to be his babysitter. So who's really been dominating whom in this mess?

Why is it that when women try to stand up for themselves and assert themselves in a relationship, men see them as domineering bitches? (Rhetorical question. I already know the answer. It's because men are 'flicted. )

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook