I'm very close to my SDs. But let me tell you...it's a lot of work. All of a sudden you have to worry about coming up with new rules and routines. You have to take on more disciplinary duties. It's a huge adjustment for everyone.

You and DH HAVE to be on the same page on EVERYTHING. I can't stress enough how important that is. If you disagree with each other over anything talk it out calmly in private and work out a solution.

Have frequent family meetings, where everyone gets a chance to say their piece politely and calmly. And DH needs to teach SS how to politely talk about problems he might be having with you. It's ok for SS to go to DH and say, "Dad, I'm having a really tough time getting along with SM. What can I do?" And then DH needs to brainstorm solutions with him on how to peacefully resolve these issues. He absolutely shouldn't tolerate SS coming to him and saying, "Dad, SM is a f*cking b*tch!" By the same token, if you're having a tough time with SS and need DH's help, be very careful to not say things or speak in a way that could come off to DH as you attacking SS. Calmly reiterate that you want what's best for SS, and ask him what he thinks can be done to help SS.

Get SS counseling, especially if his BM is bad news. My SDs are in intensive counseling because BM let them get molested and tried to pas them against DH. Pas= parental alienation syndrome. Go to Dr. Richard Warshak's website and buy some materials for both DH and SS to help combat it. He has some great stuff for kids on his website.

I have a very similar situation- I moved in with my husband and SD when she was 7 and she's 11 now. She's always been with us full time except for the random times where here BM gets her shit together and has her every other weekend. But even when that happens its short lived. I don't have any children of my own either. Let me tell you not to worry you but just to be honest I hate it. The longer she's around the more my husband and I fight when we do get random breaks (like when she left for springbreak) things are great, we don't fight and I'm so happy. But within days of her being home its back to the same old thing. It's very frustrating to deal with someone elses kid fulltime. I think part of the problem is that you have all the responisibilities of a parent but none of the perks. You're the one who has to cook, clean, take them to school, etc but you don't get the same happy feelings when they do something "cute". Or for example my SD was at a point where it was time for her to shave for the first time. So I, not my husband, did the part of taking her out letting her choose her own shavingcream and razor (a good one not a cheap one) so that I could teach her how to do it and it would be a good chance to bond. So I get her all of this stuff and everything and then BM happened to call an SD told her she was going to learn to shave. Next thing I know husband is calling because BM called him freaking out that I was the one doing it. So I guess what was fair was for me to teach her to do her armpits and leave the legs for BM. Then when SD went to see her BM she took the stuff that I bought her because BM is too cheap to buy her stuff. BM gets all the glory and I got the bill and fucking armpits. Things for me are especially hard because SD and I don't really get along and she has some emotional/behavioral issues. I hope things will be better for you. I think it depends on your relationship with skid.

I moved in with my SO 2 years ago and we had 50/50 week on/week off with SD10 and SD13 until July, when BM moved out of state and we got them full time. Just to level-set, I have no kids of my own and do not plan to, ever.

I agree completely with everything Anon said. If you have to, write down all of your worries and the things you want to happen and discuss it with DH. Don't wait on this. Let him know how you feel now, and think carefully about what you will need to happen to make the situation workable for you. Don't feel comfortable disciplining? Don't want to clean up after or cook for the kid? TELL HIM NOW, and don't feel guilty about what you do or don't want to do. Get it out in the open and work together on how to deal.

This is a HUGE change for you and you have every right to ask for what you need as part of the change and start controlling it now so you won't feel so out of control when it happens. Do not let him assume ANYTHING as far as your role goes. Tell him what it will be. Make it what it you want. Just don't wait until the kid is there and he's expecting all kinds of things from you.

Since it sounds like DH has never had full-time custody, he probably won't even consider things like a budget, chores, daily schedule, house rules, what the kid will eat/be allowed to eat, his hygiene routine, how and when to discipline (which def. changes in s full time situation), and all of that stuff. While I don't suggest you come up with those things on your own, you can ask that they all be worked out ahead of time so that there is no question later. As reality sets in, you can (and will) adjust these later, but the sooner you start thinking about them and discussing them, the better. Think a lot about how things like a consistent and enforced bedtime, rules about cleaning (his bedroom, his toys everywhere, etc), how chores are distributed, etc will affect YOU.

6 months after the skids moved in here and I am constantly dealing with things that are not the way I want. I wish I had stood my ground in the beginning or got the f out before he expected so much of me. We're working on it but I wish I had had even an ounce of prevention.

If things are going well with the BM and she is opposed to giving up her child, your DH is going to have a very hard time gaining custody. So, don't count on it happening. As Lo said, it would be a HUGE shock and change for the child, and the court is going to take that into consideration. So, unless she's being abused, neglected, or unless the mother just doesn't want the child, your DH shouldn't get his hopes up.

We are custodial to my 4 and DH's 4. It's a hell of a lot of work. It helps a lot of you get along with the skids. As for your questions....

"Do you ever feel resentful (especially those of you w/o your own kids... b/c you have changed your life for someone else)?" As someone WITH kids, I still feel resentful. I wonder if my DH appreciates what I do for him and his kids. The dinners I prepare, the shitload of laundry I do, the homework I spend hours a week helping with...

"How do you deal with a bio mom who wants the glory while you do all the work?" I am at the school just as much as, if not more than, the BM. It helps of course that I have kids there. But, since I am the one raising the child and helping with homework, my input is a hell of a lot more valuable than hers when it comes time for conferences. I know this woman doesn't do a damn thing for her kids. And I know the ones who REALLY know her, and who REALLY know us, know who taught these kids to ride bikes, tie their shoes, to read, do math.... she might want to look like MOTY. But the people who matter, know the truth. When the skids run to ME instead of HER when they fall down and get hurt, it knocks her off of her GU Pedestal for a while.

"How do you deal with a husband who expects you to understand the importance of caring for a child that is already here but all the while postponing having your own child until finances are better?" Counseling. Sorry, that's all I can offer you there.

"A husband who probably thinks it is your responsibilty as his wife to help him with HIS child?" He needs to understand that it's not your responsibility to help him with his child. That he should appreciate what you choose to do for his child, because this child already has a mother and a father. You are a bonus in this kids life.

Well if they really cant see her unfit then I dont really know why they would take custody from her..Not to sound bitchy its just thats how the courts are. You basically have to be caught doing drugs with your kid or on camera beating your child to death before they will take custody from a mother. On another note if BM knows that your DH is working all the time and knows YOU will be doing most of the transportation then be aware that she could use that against you. Yes you may be the one that does EVERYTHING for this child but in the laws eyes you are not a relative and you better believe BM will say, "For one their dad is never there doing this or that its SM and for 2 its not right that I lose time with my kids when their dad isnt even there and the SM is the only one watching them." I mean I hate to say it but you basically give BM a LITTLE bone and she is gonna RUN RUN RUN with it. She will use every excuse in the book...