Husband's 9 yr old Child from a One NIght Stand

Hello All, I'm new to this as in I've NEVER blogged before. I'm sure that what I'm about to share with complete strangers will bring on criticism but I'm here looking for genuine constructive advice from anyone who's ever been in my situation so please, no haters, just helpers with experience would be be so very appreciated... A bit of background - To my heartbreak, I do not have children of my own, I was never able. My husband has a 24 year old daughter and unfortunately, as hard as I have tried, we just aren't close. I came into her life when she was 18 and already in college and spoiled and entitled. Regardless of the fact that I made every attemp to make any and everything special for her, nothing I ever did for her was on a grand enough scale. I could go on and on about the disappointments and hurt feelings (& arguments caused between me and my husband) but as my counselor has said many times, that's who she is and what's done is done.

Onto my issue at hand... I knew going into my marriage, we've been married for five years now, that my husband fathered a child from a one night stand he had before we were together. He didn't have a clue about her until well after she was born, the mother was unsure of who the father was or how to find him. The child is now nine. This woman has 4 or 5 children - all from different fathers. My husband has paid an exhorbent amount of child support, as in, there's no doubt he's funding the rest of her kids - as well as has paid for any extras that the mother has asked for, no questions asked. The mother did marry (& of course had yet another baby) and my husband welcomed the idea of this man being the child's Daddy. You see, if we are being honest, my husband considers this the absolute worst mistake of his life and would give anything to undo it - but we all know it's too late for that now. Ther's just no bond in his heart. My 24 year old stepdaughter also wants nothing to do with her. That being said, the mother has ended her two year marriage which has left me with unnerving gut feeling that we are not doing the right thing by this child. My husband has said that to deal with the mother we are inviting crazy into our lives - and of course I remind him that if he wants to see his child, this woman can't stop him. We live a VERY different lifestyle from her - she's no one I would ever associate with. However, as a woman who never knew her biological father, I struggle with the choice he is making and know in my heart that I can guide him to be in her life. Part of me thinks that while I'll never be her mother, I can still "mother" her, hopefully guide her down a different path, show her a life her mother never could, and teach her to be a lady. I'm also scared as hell that this will totally blow up in my face and be a total disaster. I've also considered that our lives will change if we become every-other-weekend parents. This tug of war in my head for months now leads me here to this site. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would love to hear about your experience. Warmest Regards to everyone who is trying!

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Although you can give your DH

Although you can give your DH your opinion and feelings, the decision is ultimately his to make on whether he wants a real relationship with his daughter. Although I’m not too keen on the fact he hasn’t had one up til now; regardless of how this kid was created essentially it’s not her fault.

I can tell you that my BIL (DHs brother)went through something similar. BM up and left him and he couldn’t find this child for years. The child reconnected with BIL when she was practically an adult. It has not gone well...perhaps if he had been present earlier in years it could’ve gone better, but whos to say it would have turned out with the same result.

As for your role: I would tread lightly. You both are strangers to this child. If he decided he wants to be part of her life, I would definitely allow them to establish a relationship first.

Thank you for the reply. Yes

Thank you for the reply. Yes, of course it's not her fault which is why it pulls on my heart strings. But, better late than never. Hopefully, I can be a positive influence for her that her mother doesn't appear capable of. My therapists suggest that we both meet her as a united front, essentially almost as foster parents, because we are both strangers to her. As in, we both make all decisions together so that my husband doesn't decide to go buy her a range rover for her 16th birthday out of guilt - so her suggestion is that we come into this child's life as equals. But really, thank you and I'm so open to hearing what others have to say.

Let him call the shots

My dh has a another daughter from a similar situation he doesnt see not because he doesnt want to but because the mother is bat shit crazy and is the spawn of the devil. I wont even go into the stuff she pulled because it like a scene out of a soap opera. He always said the daughter welcome here because she doesnt live far from us. But he told her we want nothing to do with her mother. And the daughter is now 18 still chooses not to have contact with us unless it xmas or her birthday or to find out information for her mother to start trouble. Just sometimes some things are better to be left alone. Let him choose what contact he has with this child. Because if he standing back there may be a good reason for it. Dont let your own personal set back like not knowing your own father. Invite in trouble.

Thank you for the reply, this

Thank you for the reply, this seems to be the consensus - to leave it alone. I can't help but draw from my own personal experience. I appreciate you taking the time to message me.

Oh no - this board is full of

Oh no - this board is full of women who encouraged their husbands to fight for more or full custody and then regretted it deeply when they had to deal with BM and her child - the child who will be BM's child, not yours, and is likely to pick up BM's behaviors (not to mention her genes). BM will always have more influence on her than you do - and not only are you not likely to "make her into a lady", there is a chance that BM will teach her to hate you, so you will be living with a kid worse than your SD in terms of how you are treated.

AND, if your DH doesn't want this, stop pushing him to be part of her life. A bio father who doesn't really want you and shows it is worse than no bio father at all.

Sounds like you are feeling the need to nurture kids - find another way. There are lots of ways to volunteer to be part of a child's life - and that child will welcome you and appreciate it.

Thank you for the reply, you

Thank you for the reply, you have an excellent point regarding her BM. It's just my inner conscious speaking to me. I would hate for her to turn out like her mother and feel like I stood back and did nothing.

Take it from all of us

Take it from all of us stepparents who hoped we could influence our skids - it's not likely. She's BM's daughter and BM will be her biggest influence.

That's such a huge part of it

That's such a huge part of it - hoping I could be a positive influence on her...

Most times it’s fruitless. I

Most times it’s fruitless. I tried that route and it backfired, severely. Tried to reach SDrama about how to take care of herself, manners, importance of a career and self-respect as a woman...Skankula just had her claws too deep despite my “efforts”. So I disengaged. And it’s been hard bc that’s not the type of person I am. But I had to for my own sanity!

You feel like you’re changing who you are by not being loving and trying to instill these things into a child who’s half your DH...but sometimes if you try too hard you lose part of yourself. You have to make that decision for yourself of course...but it’s happened to me and it was no fault of my own.

Thank you, I appreciate the

Thank you, I appreciate the input from someonewith first hand experience.

Agree with tog, stay out of

Agree with tog, stay out of it.

Thank you for your response.

She is 24. Not sure how you

She is 24. Not sure how you gonna be foster parents and why

She's talking about the 9

She's talking about the 9-year-old her DH had from a one-night stand.

I see Lol wall of text with

I see Lol wall of text with no paragraphs caused me to skip some parts.

All right, I'll give you a

All right, I'll give you a break this time, but it IS the title of the post.

Hahaha I was like ok I heard

Hahaha I was like ok I heard it all. But therapists suggesting fostering able bodied 24 year olds is a bit out there.

Thanks for this...

Not sure why you would bother

Not sure why you would bother to reply without reading about the issue at hand first but okay...

If you see this as your

If you see this as your ticket to become a mother, I'd highly recommend looking into fostering children or becoming a Big Sister. If you are struggling with your DH's decision to not be involved in his daughter's life, then you need to explore those feelings towards your DH and not expect a child to fix the resentment or frustration or hatred or whatever you're feeling toward your husband because of his decisions.

Steplife is hard even when you present as a united front with your partner and the other parent is an equal to your spouse financially, emotionally, psychologically, etc. But when one of those factors is askew, steplife gets a whole lot harder. You cannot separate a child's behavior from their parent's, and you'll realize very quickly that your best intentions - even if technically right - may be very unwanted and unwelcome.

I disagree with your therapist about meeting her together as a united front. I think your DH needs to meet with his daughter separately to determine if HE wants to do this ALONE. Because, ultimately, you may not always be around and this is his responsibility, not yours. If he individually cannot be a father, or doesn't want to be, then there is no amount of you helping that won't just turn into you doing. Or you getting your heart broken when you invest more into this girl than he does, and he lets her go because he cares less than you do.

I do think you two need to present a united front if you all allow her to stay in your home at any point in the future. But you're not there yet. Your DH needs to establish a baseline with her first, make up his mind that he is in this for the long haul whether you're there or not, and quell his own guilty parenting thoughts. He has an advantage over other single parents in that he has time to do his research, work through his feelings, and make a decision independent of emotion. He needs to utilize all of that before bringing his daughter to you and your home to attempt to have any sort of family structure.

And even if he chooses to have a relationship with her, that doesn't mean she wants to have a relationship with you. She could love her father and think he is the greatest, but have zero desire to be mothered by you. Or taught by you. Or even talked to by you. It doesn't matter that you are more stable, better capable of teaching her how to be a lady, etc. You aren't her mother and haven't ever acted in a mothering capacity to her. You are at an even greater disadvantage because you'll be the easy scapegoat for any negative feelings she has about her father.

I'm not saying this shouldn't be pursued. You know very well what it's like to grow up without a father. You don't want this girl to go through that. That's admirable. But, putting her through a relationship with a man who doesn't really want her and forcing her onto a stepmother that is using her to fill a motherhood void in herself isn't good, either. Please don't take that as me criticising you; you're not the first woman who has done this out of a good place in her heart, and that's likely where it's coming from. But ultimately, it's a selfish place that happens to have a potentially good benefit, which is where most of the good things we do in life come from. But you're talking about dealing with a living human being, not a dog. That appreciative love you are expecting may never come, and you inserting yourself may actually hurt this child more when you shine a big, bright light on how ill-equipped her mother is at being a responsible parent and how much her father doesn't really care about her except to make you happy.

Tread carefully. Your DH has time to decide if he has a relationship with his daughter and what that looks like. You have other avenues to share your motherly affections through that would actually be appreciated. Explore those options for yourself, and if you find yourself in a position to be an actual stepmother EOWE, we're happy to help you navigate that.

Thank you for your thoughtful

Thank you for your thoughtful response. So thoughtful that I must ask, are you a therapist in this field? Perhaps I do have unintended disallusions about being this child's second mother. But if she is to turn out like her mother one day, I don't want to feel like I stood by and did nothing when I could have intervened. (Let's just say I don't want to see her turn into a stripper or on drugs or with five different baby daddies.) I can only draw from my own personal experience of not having a father and truly do have the child's best interest at heart. Just throwing a check at the problem has worked in the past but my consciuos is speaking louder to me lately. In short, I don't want to grow old and have regrets - wishing I had done something differently.

Regarding the foster idea... I've asked myself how or why would I do that instead of trying to love my husband's bio child? I guess that idea just doesn't make sense to me. I genuinely do appreciate your feedback - it is helpful and I'm glad that I made the leap to discuss this with people who don't me, who don't feel obligated to agree with me.

But - fostering a child is

But - fostering a child is completely different.

Let's say your DH did decide he wanted to develop a relationship with this girl. At first, he would only be seeing her for an hour or two here or there. Eventually he might work his way up to every other weekend visitation (after lots and lots of court visits). So you would have "influence" on this girl 4 days a month, while she's spending the majority of her time at her mother's house. Maybe her mother is jealous that your DH married you and not her, so she tells her child not to like you, or sometimes, to be hateful and rude to you. Then you've spent all this time and money just for the privilege of having a kid who hates you in your home biweekly.

Or maybe she likes you, but she's already a mess emotionally. Again - you have 4 days a month to try to have this influence you want. While she has a mother who is making the emotional mess worse right in front of your eyes. Your DH won't have rights to take her to a therapist, or anything that might help her.

With fostering, the kid is with you all the time. Yes, there is a still a bio parent involved often, but there are also other adults (like Department of Human Services) who are urging therapy for the kid and for the mother. They are expecting improved behavior from the mother. They are monitoring visits for safety etc. So it's very, very different than being stepparent.

You have rose-colored googles on about your potential to "influence' this girl.

Okay, I see your point of

Okay, I see your point of view regarding fostering... And, perhaps I do have rose colored glasses on but my heart says those glasses are better that turning a blind eye.

But you actually have the

But you actually have the ability and control over becoming a foster parent. You have zero rights or control over seeing your SD. Isn't it more turning a blind eye to kids you could actually help versus focusing your efforts on a child with layers of obstacles that you have zero recourse to address?

Proximity to a problem doesn't mean you have a great ability to fix the problem.

You aren't turning a blind

You aren't turning a blind eye - none of this is under your control. If you push your DH to do something he really doesn't want to do, and your marriage falls apart, then you aren't doing anyone any favors.

I hear you, I do... but my

I hear you, I do... but my marriage is rock solid.

That might change if he feels

That might change if he feels he has to get involved with this child because you want it.

Not a therapist, but a SM who

Not a therapist, but a SM who has been on this board for a long time and has seen your situation before. And I'm a SM who walked into a stepfamily were BM is a nut job 90% of the time. And I'm a step-everything through my mom and have watched my SSister's poor choices blow back on everyone in our family, especially as it relates to her kids.

You have a good heart. You want to help a child that you see as being in need of help. That's commendable.

But answer me this: if BM is so bad, why is your DH not fighting tooth and nail for his own daughter? Has he been smacked down by the courts, or is he choosing to not have a connection to her? And if he is choosing to not have a connection, is part of what you are feeling resentment toward him not caring more than you do about his own flesh and blood? It's gut-wrenching when you discover that your spouse isn't as upstanding as you've created in your head.

Ultimately, you can try to have a relationship with your SD, but it will always be on your DH's terms. If he ever decides he wants to stop seeing her, you have no way to force it. BM isn't likely to want you to help.

I think you need to have an honest and Frank conversation with your DH about whether having a relationship with his daughter is even something that he wants. If not, then you'll need to reconcile within yourself whether you can remain married to someone who doesn't want a relationship with his minor daughter living in less-than-ideal circumstances.

That's really your first step before moving forward.

And OP, before you decide DH

And OP, before you decide DH is a bad guy for not wanting to see his daughter, read the stories on here - about the hell some of these kids are put through by their crazy BMs, in an attempt to hurt/punish/control the father. And then decide if having no father is worse than having a loving father that your mother prevents you from having a good relationship with. I'd argue it's not. That it's better to have no father, than to have your mother abuse you in an attempt to use you as a weapon against your father.

It's not likely that this BM will just welcome DH's (and especially your) involvement with open arms.

For the life of me, I'm not

For the life of me, I'm not sure what DH stands for but I'm sure it refers to my husband. (BM and SD I have figured out.) To answer your question, the BM isn't like a crack head strung out junkie but as I mentioned we live extremely different lifestyles so it's not that we were in fear for the child's life. It's my solid opinion that she would have a much larger world with a more rounded perspective if we were in it, her chances of thriving as an adult would be greater. Until recently, she was being raised by her stepdad and there was a sense of being okay with that. They are now divorced which is why these questions are coming to the surface. Let me say that my husband is a good man who made a mistake and finding out about this child was like a brick upside his head. A huge part of this was also that the BM saw this as a paternity payday for her - and it was and continues to be. I genuinely don't feel that he wants nothing to do with the child - he's just horrified at the thought of dealing with her BM and having this woman be any part of our lives. Let me say that our marriage is soilid - my husband adores me. There's the saying that "the man is the head of the household but the wife controls the neck"... sometimes our spouses need our suggestion and support. Again, I truly thank you and am so appreciative to everyone on this thread who has shared constructive criticism as it has not fallen on deaf ears.

Can not believe that so many therapist give bad advice

". My therapists suggest that we both meet her as a united front "

BM does not want to see you, she does not want advice from you. She a money grabber from your SO . He making life easy for her. She has him on that line, Do what I want. Pay up and maybe. She doesn't care about the child, having a father. Not your SO.

One thing I have learned, is

One thing I have learned, is to stay out of it. I mean this in the nicest way possible. I literally am soooo guilty of trying to do the "right" thing but sometimes those things are out of our control. With my kids I have the support of my husband on how we parent and raise our kids. With my SD8 I know there are areas I just have to stay out of. Luckily, I tell my husband I don't want to be involved or I want him to take the reigns on it.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with an apsent bio dad. Have you ever considered adopting?

I would agree with your dh that you would be inviting crazy but if you are willing to accept the changes to come, do it but it will not be easy and maybe set some boundaries ahead of time to make sure you do not repeat what happened with the oldest.

Thank you, I appreciate the

Thank you, I appreciate the feedback. This seems to be the common response, to stay out of it. Logically I can understand by my heart is having trouble reconciling this.

Dont invite this child in to

Dont invite this child in to your life because you are pining for a child. You will not have the wonderful step mom/step daughter relationship you are looking for. You also can not save a child from a crazy mom. You will not be her savior. You will be her evil step mother and she will always look to mom for love and look at you as evil. Let it go. If you want something to love dogs are great.

Thank you for your response.

Thank you for your response. I don't feel that I'm "pining" for a child but rather feel a need to save this one. Perhaps you're right, maybe I can't save her but I don't want to grow old with regrets wishing I had done something different. And I am the proud rescue mom of a horse and a dog...

Be careful - lots of people

Be careful - lots of people end up regretting that they cared at all, when their world is turned upside down by a difficult stepkid they fought to have time with.

You cannot "rescue" this child

You cannot "rescue" this child - and there is absolutely no comparison between rescuing animals and developing a relationship with a step-child. Your making this comparison shows you are more interested in "rescuing" a child that you think needs your help rather than letting your DH develop whatever kind of a relationship he wants to with his child. You are not this child's mother and never will be.

Please, read around this site and you will see story after story about stepkids whose BM's treat them terribly and whose Stepmom's are clearly the better parent - yet they always take after and prefer their BM. Kids who are in physically abusive situations with mentally ill mother's who prefer that to the stability of home with their Dad and SM. And while you think it will be different with you, it won't be.

You are making a lot of assumptions about this girl and her mother. The mother's life is a mess, but do you know for a fact that she is not a good parent? Do you know that the girl is unhappy or not taken care of? Even if she is in a bad situation, she probably doesn't want to be "rescued" by a stranger. Unlike animals, children remember their birth parents and love them and often resent anyone trying to change their lives.

You CLEARLY have NOT read

You CLEARLY have NOT read through this thread. I was not comparing a child with an animal - that was in response to someone who suggested I get a dog. And yes, I will make assumptions about a welfare case with 5 kids by five different fathers - where I come from, we call that white trash... And if I can keep a child off of a stripper pole - yes I'd consider it a sort of rescue from a crap life. Some of the conversations I've had on this discussion have actually been quite intelligent, helpful, and insightful. Your input, not so much. Please, move on.

My guess is the people

My guess is the people offering those opinions have no experience whatsoever with steplife, so of course they’re telling you what a wonderful impact you’ll make & how great it is that you care so much for this girl.

It is NOT your place to interfere that way. If you’re that concerned about the way her mother is raising her then call CPS. Being your husbands wife does not give you the right to interfere with a child you have no relation to.

So I go back to, if your SD

So I go back to, if your SD is doomed for a white trash life, why isn't your DH fighting tooth and nail to save her?

I get that you see yourself as the neck who needs to point the head in the right direction, but that still leaves you in a position where you can't do anything without your DH stepping up first. He's a father to his eldest. He's old enough to know how to be a parent. He has known about his youngest daughter for some time. None of this should be shocking or new for him. He should be able to see the same things you do and want to act faster than you can turn his head to the problem.

I truly do believe that your issue is that your DH doesn't want to be that involved, for a variety of reasons, and you're not okay with his decision. If you looked at your heart of hearts, you probably disagreed on having her SF raise her with BM, but since he was acting as a father, you could live with your DH's decision. Now, though, that a second father has left her, you can't bear that this little girl will go through what you did, and you can't rectify in your own mind why your DH isn't immediately stepping up to the plate where a void has now been left.

You can turn the head toward "go be a dad", but he has to make the decision to walk in that direction. You can push this, and push him. Maybe it will work out, it has happened before. But I'm telling you as someone who deals with a batsh*t crazy BM who went into stepmotherhood thinking my SSs were going to love me more than their mother and see that DH and I were the better parents - it doesn't work that way.

Your SD is going to love her mother. She will find nuggets of good in her mother. She will hold on to those nuggets with the tightest grip possible. As she ages, she may find things about her mother to be distasteful, but she's likely never going to see her as a drugged out stripper. She's going to see her as Mom.

And even if you provide the best of influence, that doesn't mean SD won't still turn out to be a stripper, or a drug user, or anything else "white trash". Both of her parents have kids from more than one person. Both of her parents have made questionable decisions. She's working off that DNA that says to her that the risk is worth the reward, or at least the immediate satisfaction. There are PLENTY of good parents and good homes that produce kids who make poor life decisions, and plenty of bad homes that produce kids who make good life decisions. Your influence may be negligible, and you're going to have to be okay with that.

You're in crisis of the worst kind. You're realizing your DH isn't exactly the man you thought he was. You're realizing you regret not having kids when you were younger. You're realizing that there is a girl who could have a better life if her father would intervene and he hasn't and you're not sure he will. You've built this glass palace around reality, and it's breaking. That sucks. I've had it happen, many of us on here have had it happen. What you need to do is not try to repair the glass. Let it shatter. Let all the gross and ugly flood in. Let all that horrible and hard reality hit you. The only way you move forward is by seeing things the way they are, not how you want them to be.

If you disagree with this advice, then I suggest reaching out to another stepparenting site. We here tend to be deemed the scum and villainy of the stepparenting universe (go read some of the Reddit reviews of this site, they're entertaining). All of us here care, but we've all dealt with the worst of stepparenting life and have had to come up with coping mechanisms that don't always fit the social narrative. That's a cup of tea that not everyone likes.

Too many women on this forum

Too many women on this forum take on all parenting responsibility while men do nothing. Yet their DHs or SOs continue disrespecting them and treating them horribly. And all these responsibilities don’t make these women “mommies”. Every chance kids have, they want their parents. I believe if a woman wants to be a parent she should have her own kids, adopt or give birth or she should accept that she isn’t a parent. You can’t automatically become a parent because you decuded to act like one absolving your husbands of parental responsibilities. It’s just sad reality.

Okay... I on't think you and

Okay... I on't think you and I are speaking the same language here and I respectfully asked for some constructive criticism from others who have found them in a similar situation. I long ago accepted that I'm not a parent and I'm not trying to "absolve my husband's responsibilities", so please, move on.

Your DH isn’t interested in

Your DH isn’t interested in bonding with the child. You can’t make him to if he has no desire to parent. You stated you are going to “mother” her the way her own mother wouldn’t. This child already has a mother. You don’t even know this kid yet you intent to “mother” her how you see fit. Hm

BM might not be a great parent up to your standard but she raises said child full time. You have no option but to accept that your DH doesn’t want to be involved with his child.

OP, you asked for opinions

OP, you asked for opinions from those with experience, you got them, yet you are still convinced you can save this child and it won't affect your marriage one bit.

But when you post here 2 years from now about how hard it is and wondering why you did this; with your marriage on the rocks because he won't parent his kid, you are sick of dealing with her and BM and all you ever fight about is SD and BM - none of us will be surprised.

Best wishes.

I’m with everyone else, you

I’m with everyone else, you need to stay out of this. My DH has a daughter who’s nearly 17 & he’s only met a handful of times, I don’t even know what her voice sounds like. Similar situation, she was a major mistake & the BM is batsh*t crazy. My DH is a total moron for sleeping with her but that’s his fault...

Regardless, it’s not your place to get involved. You may want to save this kid but she’s not yours to save. Not only that, but your issue of not knowing your father is yours to deal with, trying to save her isn’t going to change your past & it won’t make much of a difference to this kid since her dad doesn’t actually want to be in her life. All you’re doing is crossing boundaries & opening a massive can of worms in your own life. You’ve already got experience seeing how little an impact being a SM can make on your SD, it’s not going to be any different with the 9 year old. Believe me.

I’ve been a part of my SS’s lives since they were young, and any impact I’ve made is minimal at best. The bond will always be with the BP, save for extreme circumstances, so I’m not sure what you think you can accomplish by interfering the way you want to. It’s not your place & it won’t turn out the way you think it will.

Have a look around this site, read the stories on here. Your story is no different, despite how you feel about it. If you get involved & force your husband into a relationship that he’s not interested in you’ll be making a rod for your own back. Trust us.

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Husband's 9 yr old Child from a One NIght Stand

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