Quitting because you're simply tired...and need opinions
I'm tired, I don't know if I should do this anymore. I've been saying this since the fall. BF and I hash and rehash the same things out and yet I am still confused, I guess because he doesn't really give me clear answers, until Friday night at our couple's counseling session...I explained that I wanted our relationship to be primary and that I felt like he was still married d/t his 50/50 coparenting situation with BM. I said that I needed our relationship to be the central relationship and that if it wasn't, I knew I could never be happy. I explained that I was essentially like an never married person and that it is so hard to feel like my BF was my partner up to a certain point...the point where BM is and he has to consult her.
The counselor asked my BF if he understood what I was saying and explained that this is a key issue/difference/problem with us...that my situation with my xH is so so different from his and could he understand how I felt and would he consider a change in custody and/or could he put our relationship first. He said yes, he understood my feelings and wanted our relationship to be primary, but that right now SD is his #1 priority and that over time, yes, he could make our relationship primary. He said yes, he might consider a change in custody but not now, and that even if he did, it wouldn't change the dynamic between SD/BM/BF.
There's a ton more but I'll spare you. She also pointed out that part of the problem was that I've made many changes for the relationship -- moving my kids, leaving a good job, etc. -- and that I might have resentment on my part over this and it could seem to me that he wasn't doing his part.
At any rate, we argued when we left and he said that he didn't think his life right now was set up right for me to have the type of relationship I want. We talked about a separation.
God, writing this I sound like an idiot! Like why am I still here? I don't even know why I am confused about things. I guess the "SD is my #1 priority" thing is hard to take, because I sort of get it...my kids are my top priority but me saying it means something different to me...I do consider my kids and adore them, but they're not the filter through which I see my life and I feel it is different with BF and SD. I guess that's why I am mulling it around.
I am starting to feel it isn't necessary to get complete clarity before ending things. I have been very unhappy for a year and we're not moving forward and we cannot go back. I know he loves me, and I love him, but this situation is not making me happy. I think he needs some time without me and I need time away from him...not as a final ending, but definitely an ending without a end date. I think he really needs to think about what he wants, what he's willing to change, etc. to be with me. I'm sick of it.
One final thing...tell me if this is reasonable...that as a divorced parent you can have two separate relationships -- one with your SO/spouse and one with your child and ex spouse. Am I wrong to feel this is ridiculous? Granted, BF and BM aren't really close, but it's just the fact that he's got this threesome going on that is separate from me that he has to guard and protect?
Thanks in advance. I am so mad at him today for something minor but a related SD thing.
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AlexabdraL~ When my hubby and
AlexabdraL~ When my hubby and I had problems with the SD's a couple of years ago, I wanted to leave too and every time something blows up, I always do. But something out pastor said put it into perspective for us, he said that the parents are the head and the children, wheteher step or not should not come first. Granted if they were in some kind of danger or being abused, that is different. But when it comes to choosing a side, you should always choose the person next to you. If that person doesen't, then it's time to move on. No matter how old the SC's are, they need to know you are a team. Mine are 22, 20 and 15, all girls, and still make their dad feel guilty because he takes my side, usually because they are so immature and don't see everything the wayit should be. Our children together are 8 and 4, and THEY even know the difference, that we are a team. Hope this helps and good luck!:)
That's how I feel it should
That's how I feel it should be, and so does my BF but he comes across like we can only makes decisions together up to a point, and that yes, we're a team, but he and BM are also a team. He doesn't build any confidence in me.
The thing is, I can't really come up with solid scenarios where I could see BF making a decision that he felt was wrong just to keep the peace but I FEEL he would, given how he acts. Does that make sense? It's like feeling your partner has a propensity for cheating but he hasn't cheated yet...
Please see the posting I just
Please see the posting I just made.
I just left- for essentially this very same reason. Any therapist or any book (and most people) would tell you that the work of becoming a stepfamily is the parent and bio. children reconfiguring relationships and roles so that the parents become the primary dyad- the ones who are a team and take care of things together, care for the family together, and are the foundation.
My ex-FH wouldn't do this- said it caused too many conflicted feelings in him and he just didn't want to deal with conflicted feelings.
So it is over. I am generous and give a lot to those who I choose to have in my life. And I couldn't expect that in return from the ex-FH. And that was too big a compromise for me to make.
Trust your heart. Listen to it. And then do what is right for you and your children.
Thank you SF. I did read your
Thank you SF. I did read your blog and I am sorry you are going through this. Tell me, did you feel confused in the past?
My boyfriend is very good to me and also to my kids, and now that we're not living together there are very few situations that occur with BM/SD to make me feel second but I still FEEL second. Maybe I have distorted view on his situation -- normally the stuff is minor stuff but it is just a general sense I get...that SD is the most important thing...he said she is, her well-being his his #1 priority.
Yes, the counselor basically asked him if he could tweak his situation and he said yes...but...the bottom line is that the most important thing is for him to protect the well being of his daughter and to maintain a coparenting relationship with BM. He's either unable or unwilling to change, and I feel after everything I've done to be here in this relationship it is a slap in the face to ask me to accept things as they are.
Maybe being with a man who has 50/50 just isn't right for me. The thing I want to know, if "coparenting" (that word is so psychotherapy-ish, yuck) with BM is so F-ing important, then why didn't BM just stay with him?
I have spent so much time thinking about things I am just shot.
Read my last blog. I am
Read my last blog. I am going through the same thing and have been questioning my relationship since the fall also (i actually left for 2 weeks and came back). I know what I should do, I just haven't done it (which is leave). My DH just started putting me first literally a couple of months ago but he separated our family (DH has a relationship with me and a relationship with SS, but SS and I no longer have a relationship). We have SS10 full time and SS's behavior is our main problem. I am sad and confused and my head is pounding from thinking too much. I really don't have any advice, I guess I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and you aren't wrong in your thinking.
Pantera, my situation is like
Pantera, my situation is like yours except BF and I are no longer living together. I see SD occasionally, but we don't have a relationship. SD doesn't have anger issues, but has had some social issues d/t her mother's mental illness.
Like your DH my BF had made some changes, but it seems and feels from what he says that he's unwilling to make certain changes. It's ok if he doesn't want to; I just need to be clear on what he will and won't do regarding putting us first, but I guess I've gotten my answer.