20 year old jobless SS doesn't ask or say thank you
My SS has been living with us since he was 12. It has always been difficult and I believe he is a narcissist. He doesn't respect me... That als how it feels but I want to know if I am overreacting...... He does not eat vegetables so I always seperate his food for him. Last night as many other nights as he is never consistent... He had his food and didn't come say thank you. I made dessert and he took without asking.... He never asks... He just takes... I have been locking certain food stuff away because he is 20 and "looking" for work sitting at home and I can't have him eat all the food and have luxuries.... His mother is not the greatest but he is 20 and not a kid anymore.... Why can't his dad let him go live by his mother... At what stage do I day enough... What if he doesn't get a job soon.... This can't go on. When ever I tell his father about something that upsets me or speak about him not having a job... His dad gets upset and we often fight.... I just can't stand paying for half of the house and all our bills and to have this ungreatfull adult hanging around... What do I do?
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Comments
You shouldn't be paying more
You shouldn't be paying more than 1/3 of the bills, to start with. Your husband wants him there so he should be paying for him.
You have a DH problem. It's
You have a DH problem. It's going to get ugly before it gets better. If you want change you are going to have to speak up, make some drastic changes. Since you've been paying for the lazy adult for long , I'd consider putting all my contributions towards myself for awhile and make DH cover it all. Stop cooking for SS. In fact stop enabling SS with anything. You are being taken advantage of by these two man babies. Stop. Just stop. It's called disengagement.
He's not a little kid, he's a
He's not a little kid, he's a damn adult. He should be paying an adult share for lodging, food, utilities, paying his own phone and paying for his own entertainment. He should also have a move out date, his dad babying him has created a coddled kid in an adult body. He needs to be expected to grow up.
I said the same to one of mine, but he was 18 and thought doing nothing was an option. It was not.
You know....I've been in this
You know....I've been in this situation with both adult SKIDs boomranging back. He and DH need to establish a move out date with very clear timeline of the steps he's taking. YES he needs to pay rent, loding, amenities - in fact I did not do this and it was very problematic and both kids took full advantage. And...their attitudes worsened with the entitlement. Harry made a comment on another post that I liked - we stepparents are not obligated to support these adults legally, finanically, emotionally etc. If we CHOOSE and allowed to be a part of their lives then fine, but nothing more than what you would be like with a neighbor should be expected. And if the extras you are doing are met with no thank you and taking then just stop doing them altogether.
Everytime an adult SKID would criticize me, put me down or be ungrateful I tucked it away in my mind and started to release myself from responsibilities that I had been taking on:
I pay for a vacation for you and you sulk in the room and create drama - alright, no more vacay for you.
I make you a homecooked meal and you critcize what I made infront of me, the family and guests (and still eat the whole and help yourself to seconds) - no problem, I won't cook for you anymore.
You take my kindness and use it against me and then spread lies about things you are actually doing to place the blame elsewhere - that's fine, I disengage and stop reaching out with only minimal communication once a year if that.
It took me years with small changes - simple things like I stopped planning fun activities and gradually I slowly but surely stopped doing almost everything. DH does the work or doesn't and no one really cares that they are missing out on experiences, things, opportunities because their mindsets are that I am the hired help or evil. The truth is I am not and you aren't either. In fact another steptalker named Rumplestilskin stated something that has been engraved in my mind: "Stepparents are the new cindrella." It's really true- the roles have been reversed and these adult SKIDs are highly abusive, emotionally bankrupt and MEAN to the stepparent, a lot of signs of narcissism too. So, pull back. Don't react, don't get mad, just start pulling your resources back, gain your energy BACK and then take those resources and put them elsewhere.
20 yo he’s a ADULT
Your DH must understand you do not want another adult living with you. He's your problem.. unless he does something,, getting SS out . Your have a problem. Disengage. Lock up the food. Don't cook for him. Don't do anything for SS.
...so I always seperate his
...so I always seperate his food for him.
STOP THAT. He is a 20 year old MAN. He can fix his own plate and 'weed out' what he doesn't like. At 20yo, he should be able to cook his own food. In fact, he should be able to cook a meal or two for the three of you.
Like others said, you should only be paying 1/3 of the bills.
Update on 20 year old jobless SS
Thank you for everybody's comments. I appreciate it and it is so true.
Just thought I would give an update... His dad spoke to him about manners for the million time and said he will no longer be allowed to use his car if he acts like this. So we had an early dinner today around 5 and he must have eaten after us and he stayed in his room. His dad asked me if he thanked me yet around 7:30 and I said no. So he went to him and said I thought we had a chat this morning and his son said yeah I was going to say thanks to her when I see her. He eventually saw me in the passage at 8:30 and said thanks for supper. And I almost felt like saying.. Shuff your thank you of 3 hours later up your ass man! I think he delayed it as much as he could to show me he still has control.
I am going to consider each comment and start taking action. Thank you!
Not no, but F-NO!
He does not eat vegetables so I always seperate his food for him.
He is 20. He needs to be out the door on the curb at the butt crack of dawn every AM and not allowed back in until after dinner. No access to food or water except the garden hose.
Guess how long it will take for him to find a job or GTF out and stay out? No time flat.
That POS Skid would be very cold and hungry in the winter and very hot and thirsty in the summer if he were my Skid.
Drop him off at the local homeless camp and introduce him to his new neighbors or at the Military recruiter's office.
Get him the hell out of your life.
Narcissism is IMHO not a mental illness. It is pure ASSHOLE and should never be tolerated. No job, not pleasant, not your live in beck and call chore bitch, he can starve.
And he should.