Dangit....now I feel sorry for BM....
My SD has been in therapy for the past couple of months to deal with a lot of her issues surrounding her mother and her stepdad. She was cutting herself to relieve the stress of being in the household and making some really really bad choices. DH and I seriously considered yanking her out of there as fast as we could but honestly, it's really not going to help SD with her issues. So therapy it is and it is a godsend, SD seems so much happier and at peace with herself.
SD came to me last night and was talking about how basically she went into therapy with the idea that she hated BM and Homewrecker. But now she realizes that she hates Homewrecker and the way BM behaves BECAUSE of Homewrecker. That BM is fine when he isn't around. I asked her to give me an example of what she meant and she said that particularly on Monday, Homewrecker had been out of town all weekend (leaving eight months prego BM home by herself, how sweet) and when BM picked them up, he hadn't made it back yet. They went and got fast food and were having a great time. Then Homewrecker showed up and SD said it went downhill fast. Homewrecker starts slamming doors, cursing at the family, all kinds of crazy business. Just really being a shit. BM then next morning loses her shit on the kids in the car, talking about how horrible they are to her, and how horrible Homewrecker is to her, and how horrible DH is to her (we hadn't spoken to her in like two weeks, but you know, DH is automatically horrible to her), her family is horrible to her, etc.
SD said BM tells her all the time that she (meaning BM talking about herself) is unnattractive and VERY prego...that Homewrecker never tells her he loves her....he's constantly locking himself in the bedroom with the computer....going out all night and not coming home or not calling....calling her names....telling BM that he hates her family....
And (much to my irritation) BM tells SD all of this because SD is her best friend. Well SD tries to tell BM that it's not okay and BM then starts sticking up for Homewrecker. That he's just misunderstood and doesn't know how to say stuff right...THE DUDE IS 40 YEARS OLD...hell, even SD knows now why he's that old and this is his FIRST marriage and his FIRST child.
BM's in an emotionally abusive relationship....and sadly, though the karma bus has hit her and hit her HARD (she was emotionally abusive to DH through the last year of their marriage because she was cheating with Homewrecker)...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I did have a talk with SD about different forms of abuse, and that she should continue talking to her mom, but that as in most abusive relationships, until her mom realizes that she doesn't have to put up with this, she will continue to tolerate the behavior. I also had a long talk with her about how to recognize this type of behavior and how she shouldn't tolerate anyone treating her like that in a relationship.
And now I feel sorry for the dumb bitch BM...*sigh*
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I did ask her what she
I did ask her what she thought of mine and DH's relationship as an outsider and told her to be honest and she said that she thought we had a healthy relationship, that we argued sometimes but you can't always agree about everything, and we get over our small spats pretty quickly.
That you couldn't be carbon copies of each other or be happy ALL the time but the level that BM and Homewrecker fight is apparently bordering on the ridiculous.
I'm really lucky to have a thirteen year old SD who sees things as clearly as she does. She told me last night that when her Dad and I first got together that she was a little sad because she knew that meant BM and her Dad wouldn't be getting back together but she knew her Dad had a right to be happy and she could tell that I made him very happy. I told her I expected it to be difficult for her and I KNEW that when we moved in, it would be a BIG adjustment, especially since I had a daughter and they have to share a room so I cut SD a lot of slack. It's really made our relationship terrific.
Obviously, I'm prepared to hold on for the interesting ride that teenagedom is going to be, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. SD's therapist apparently told her that she was really lucky to have me too and it made me cry.
The big reason that I feel sorry for BM and know what she's going through is because my ex was an emotional abuser. He had my head so messed up before I finally figured out that I didn't have to put up with that crap anymore.
Awww.....however, she just
Awww.....however, she just killed it. She sent an e-mail to DH reaming his ass because SD got an unexcused absence in 7th period and how could he not have know and SD MUST BE skipping class....let's completly ignore she showed up for 8th period AND rode the bus home...
Where in the F would the kid go and not get caught for one period. It's not like she wears a watch...*sigh*
I think the abusive
I think the abusive relationship you need to worry about is the one BM has with the SD. BM sounds like a classical nacissist, who is always a victim - even though she created this whole ungodly mess - and now she is using her daughter to meet her own, the mother's, needs. A 13yo is not equipped to provide solace to the dsitraught parent, to give marriage advice, etc. She does not have the coping skills that adults should have. The BM treats her as a friend and confidant, which is totally inappropriate. The girl is already in counseling, she was barely functioning, cutting herself due to stress; it is a parent's job - even a very pregnant parent's -to help the child relieve the stress, not add to it.
I think you can tell your SD that it is ok for her to say to ANY adult in her life:
"I am a child and i know nothing about ---- . This is a matter for adults to figure out." I used to teach my kids this all the time, there are adults and there are children. Some issues need to be figured out by adults, you do not need to worry about them at all. It is NOT your fault that XYZ is happening.