family mediation: to be (there) or not to be (there)?
what do you think...If DH and BM are going thru family mediation (he is seeking joint custody, she refuses, and where I live you must go to family mediation before a judge agrees to see you...) Am I supposed to be there? Is it best that I stay out of it? what is my role? What do you think??? thank you so much, I am so stressed over the custody battle we will soon be facing...
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In our state, TN, you would
In our state, TN, you would not be allowed. The mediation deals with the parties involved in the case.
Agreed. Your presence will
Agreed. Your presence will make an already tense situation worse. Plus, aside from the emotional support that you will provide your DH, this is issue is solely between DH and BM.
Meaning, you have no legal standing in the case, therefore your input/presence is not required.
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
I think it depends on a lot
I think it depends on a lot of factors. We haven't done this yet, but it may end up happening. Our lawyer told us that we can do mediation where BM and DH don't even have to be in the room together. DH definitely wants me there for moral support and so that we can think through things together. Personally, I guess I would want to be there for anything that would end up affecting me. And let's face it -- almost ALL this stuff affects the stepparent in one way or another.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Closed door mediation takes
Closed door mediation takes twice as long, therefore costs twice as much.
But I understand why you'd want to be there. I did too.
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
I didn't know that about the
I didn't know that about the price.
The main reason why DH wants closed door is that BM is a complete bitch, and she is a bully. She's really good at bullying him, historically, and he's not as good thinking on his feet when someone is right in his face. He feels that having her in a different room will allow him to think more clearly and give him a strategic advantage, as her main weapon against him has always been intimidation.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Yeah. My BM originally
Yeah. My BM originally requested closed door for the same reasons. But that's what the mediator is there for. He is there to make both parties think realistically about what they are asking for. Also, until the mediation document is filed with the courts, it's still only a mediation document. If DH wants to reconsider a point, they just go back to mediation.
Maybe we just got lucky with the mediatior. He made BM see how ridiculous she was being. He actually even roasted her a couple times...FH laughed at that! I wish I could have seen it!
About the cost...FH and BM had to pay in proportion to their incomes. So out of the $180 per hour, FH got to pay 76% of that cost! In total it cost him over $500 and BM paid peanuts. If it had been closed door it would have been more than doubled.
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
"Maybe we just got lucky
"Maybe we just got lucky with the mediatior. He made BM see how ridiculous she was being. He actually even roasted her a couple times...FH laughed at that! I wish I could have seen it!"
Oh, my god, I would pay good money to see that. I'm pretty sure that BM is constitutionally incapable of ever seeing that she is less than perfect, unfortunately.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Seriously Belle...we thought
Seriously Belle...we thought the same. She was going to every free consultation she could and even paid for a few consultations. The lawyers were filling her head with outrageous numbers that she would not back down on. She wanted $1200 per month in Spousal Support alone! She got $210.
I'm lucky that my FH has a photographic memory and could receit to me in minute detail what happened in that room! I have a very vivid imagination, so I could clearly see BM's smug face turning bright red as the mediator told her there is no way in hell she would ever get even close to what she was asking.
So...after being SHOT DOWN on ALL accounts, she decided to bring up custody of the dog (which FH gave her already). She wanted it in writing. The mediator paused, looked at her snarkily and said, "Dog? D.O.G.?" Like she was an absolute moron. Oh she slumped in her chair and went even more red and the mediator lectured her about possesion being 9 10ths of the law, and blah, blah, blah.
Very funny!
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
Ohhhhh, that is
Ohhhhh, that is gooooooooood.
Seriously, that made me feel so good just READING about it, I think I need a cigarette! LOL!
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Here,, the parties are never
Here,, the parties are never put in a room together during mediation. Just the attorney and their client in one room,,, the mediator goes back and forth between rooms in an attempt to resolve any issues.
BM and DH can also chose to
BM and DH can also chose to go to mediation separatly, but it is not viewed well by the judge, if you end up going to court (which you will if you don't discuss together and agree) I also thought best I don't go, because I dont want BM to think were ganging up on her , but I don't want her to start bashing me and saying Im all kinds of things...did any of you go thru this stituation? does the mediation help them get along? thank you for your imput!
BM and FH were court ordered
BM and FH were court ordered into mediation. There is the option of closed door mediation but because it is one mediator going back and forth, it takes more than double the time and therefore costs both parties double (they had to pay based on the proportion of income - her 24%, him 76%).
BM originally requested it, but FH convinced her to reconsider, as closed door is usually only used in domestic violence cases (as told by the mediator).
It was a good experience for BM and FH. They were never high conflict, but they did have their moments. In the end the mediator helped BM realize how unrealistic she was being and FH got pretty much everythig that he wanted. And BM agreed to it.
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
Isn't it funny how the
Isn't it funny how the courts don't want the smoms there to make any decisions, voice their opinions...but yet expect the SMOM to do things for these kids? I mean, if they came to your house and you left them alone, because dad was working, you'd be liable...just amazing...
I would stay away...make sure you talk to your DH and tell him how you feel and that he backs you up...and go, but stay outside as support...don't talk to her...good luck...
Thank you all! Ill see how
Thank you all! Ill see how it goes...(by law they have 3 free visits, then it is a max of 95$ for each additionnal hour, until they decide that it is not being resolved and that they need court) I hope they can settle out of court, because that is much cheaper than the lawyer fees we will pay...(BM does not work so she gets free lawyers...not us!)
Here in Iowa mediation is
Here in Iowa mediation is done in seperate rooms with the mediator going between parties. We skipped mediation and went straight to court but I would have wanted to be there. If you are married it is your life as well and you will play a big part in caring for the kids just as BM's partner would if/when she remarries.
Here in Washigton the step
Here in Washigton the step can't be in the room during medication because it's not their legal/biological child
I'd want to be there. I'm
I'd want to be there. I'm not sure what Texas law is, but all the parties who have contact with the children are involved in our current therapy/mediation/whatever. That's me, FH, BM, and her FH. I want to be there for similar reasons as Belle, for moral support for FH. It's gut wrenching.