You are here

Is this normal?

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 10:26am

A few days ago I was talking with a friend about SD13 behavior. I always have been really good with children, I really like them, I have a few nephews and between them and me is all love, laughs, hugs and kisses. Through my life I don't really remember hating someone or that I couldn't stand someone. I am a really calm and a very patient person. The deal here is that I do not like my SD, she is so selfish, so disrespectful, her behavior is always the worst, I've been trying a lot of times to understand this girl, I tell myself that is a girl with no limits, etc. My relationship with her is good, but sometimes I feel really bad about that I do not like her, that I don't want her at my house, sometimes I can't even see her and I don't know if this made me a bad person or if I am wrong. 

Does anyone has been in the same situation?

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 10:39am

Stepkids are different from other kids for a variety of reasons..

1.  Unlike most other kids you have contact with.. you aren't living with those other kids... it is a difference from having a kid on a vacation vs having a kid live in your home.

2.  The kid is a living reminder of your partner's former relationship... in that they also may exhibit appearance or mannerisms of the EX..  

3.  Kids of divorce can develop problems when their parents drop the ball in parenting.. whether it is because their marriage was falling apart.. whether it is so they are the parent after divorce that the kid prefers.. because they were the "dad" and mom is supposed to rear the kid.. .

4.  The kids may have outside factors that are preventing them from developing a good relationship with a stepparent too.  A HCGUBM can make it so that the kid is punished if they appear to like you.

So.. you are right.. it is not necessarily the kid's fault they weren't given limits.. that they weren't given expectations of behavior.. but it sure factors.into whether that kid is pleasant for you to be around.

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 11:18am

Yes I totally understand this. Something really weird is that BM tells her always that she can't act like that with me (her bad behavior is with everyone), that she must be grateful with me because I even help her more than her own parents..... and she is always a b*itch. But yeah should be a lot of different factors that causes her bad behavior making her and unlikeable person

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 10:52am

"The deal here is that I do not like my SD, she is so selfish, so disrespectful, her behavior is always the worst,"

That right there. You do not like her because she isnt very likable. The whys are important of course, but you really cannot change those unless you leave your relationship.

Its that description right there. Shes simply an unlikable brat that you are forced to deal with.

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 11:06am

Yeah I think at the end is her fault, cause I do everything the better I can but your are right she is an unlikable brat..

GrudgingSM's picture

Submitted by GrudgingSM on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 11:00am

I continually go through cycles of guilt about the skids. I wish I liked the more, but then I remember they're shouting, when they told me to shut up, when they've out right threatened me, and when they recently asked if I knew how to kill myself. And just like that like guilt vanishes! And also even if they were kind, and respectful, and mature, and pleasant to be around, I might still only like and not love them. 

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 11:27am

Oh no! I can imagine how is your life with that demons. I can feel the same about not love this girl even if she was a really good girl. Once my DH told me "If we have a baby, you should treat the same my daughter like she was your biokid" WHAAAT?! That will NOT be posible.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 11:58am

You can actually TREAT the kiddo as "your child" in a limited way, but its super unrealistic for your DH to think that you are going to include SD in your life "as if she were yours". Thats not how it works. Is Dh expecting you to discipline SD? Get on her about schoolwork/homework/chores? Do you have the same authority over her and can dole out punishments like shes your bio?

LOL. Yeah, I didnt think so...

But you are to "love her like shes your own child"...and pay and work and clean and drive and wash and buy..

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 12:15pm

YEEEEESS, I told him the same but he insist he doesn't want to see that there is a difference between our children and her child, is so unrealistic. I was going to tell him, "ok first of all this girl doesn't treat me like a mother or even respect me like an authority at my own house, so why do I have to treat her like my bio daughter?" but I don'd need more problems about this girl in my life so I will try to be realistic in this situation.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 12:34pm

I would tell him that!

i've told DH that! 

* Not my kid, I did not choose to have them.

* He doesn't allow me to parent so why would I have any authority over them at all?

* I did not help raise them and had no interactions with them until I met them, that's 100% on BM and you DH.

* You undermine me when I do make a decision or act as an authority figure almost every single time. Why would I try 'talking to them' as an adult if you don't even support my minor, minor decisions?

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 1:14pm

Oh yes I will tell him that!... the funny part is that I'm not even pregnant and he is making a discussion about this. And I think is because her daughter is always saying that she doesn't want to have siblings if we have children she will never be with us anymore lol.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 1:47pm

When people tell you their truth.. LISTEN. 

You don't have kids with this guy.. he is giving you a preview of his expectations right now.  Is that something you can see yourself doing?  Prior to getting pregnant is a good time to figure this out.  Wayyyy too many people come on this site after the child has been concieved.. and then they want to know what they should do... well.. clearly in many cases.. the best thing would have been to NOT GET PREGNANT by this dude who has no clue how to parent.  But that's not nice to say.. you F'ed up and the baby you carry is a mistake.. not something people will want to hear... as truthful as it might be.

You also are getting an understanding of how he is as a parent.. and the result of his parenting.. that SD... and if you are having problems dealing with it now? don't add a kid.. it will NOT make things any better.

All that being said.  He said you would "TREAT" his daughter the same.  One could assume he means that your child and his other child would have the same advantages.. be equally welcome in his home.... given equal consideration etc.. he isn't necessarily saying you have to support or raise his child.. but that his child would be treated equitably by you in the home.. He wants his daughter to feel just as welcome and part of the household as any child you two have together.  That doesn't require you to love her like your child.  But, you should be able to be kind to her.. and he does need to explain exactly what he means.. does he expect you to be the childcare giver for both kids?  does he expect you to spend your own money on SD? or was it more that he doesn't want his daughter to feel like a guest?

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Fri, 02/12/2021 - 5:33pm

I think he is a good father but he allows everything to his child because he thinks if he is an strict parent this girl will not love him or she will not come with us etc. Im not having babies at this moment, I talked to him about this situation of me treating his daughter the same but for example if I buy my children a lot of clothes, with the money I earn and I only bought this girl a t-shirt because I like it for her, for him is like you are not trating the same my child because you didn't buy the same pieces of clothes instead he can't see I bought something to his child,I don't know if I am explaining myself, he sometimes expects that I will treat SD like he treats her but reality is that is not my child I do not love her like mine plus this girl behavior with everyone is horrible. Sometimes I algo think is he has a problem about no one liking his daughter, he has had problems with her mom or sibling because they do not want to invite her daughter to some place or they do with the kids some activity when she is not around because is with her BM, because sometimes they do not want her around because her bad behavior, and of course he says they are not treating her daughter the same like the other children and they are making her less. I am always making her feel welcomed, always make her feel that she is part of us, and try to include her in everything I do even with her bad behavior because at the end is a child. I think my DH posture is innmature and is just that fear about she is not coming anymore if we have babies because she doesn't want siblings, If we have a baby sometime I think this absurd thing will be different but who knows.