What to do?
My SD has been living with us for the past 2 1/2 years. She is 32 years old. I am 43. Her father is 10 years older than me. Her father and I have 3 children of our own who are at home as well. I cant handle living with another woman in my house much longer. My husband only sees his daughter and NOT another woman. I am a sinking ship. She is taking over my home. She even calls my children "honey" when she speaks to them. Like she is there mother. She is always in competition with me for her father's attention. She thinks when he comes home from work she she get a hello kiss too! WTF? Im so tired.
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What 32 year old woman lives
What 32 year old woman lives with their father and his new family?? What is her deal? Is this just temporary or what??
It was suppose to be
It was suppose to be temporary. She moved in with us to go back to school. We have housed her and paid all her bills. She drives our vehicles, eats our food, we buy her everything she needs. Her father wouldnt have it any other way. But her father doesnt understand why I resent this. My 12 and 13 year old are sacrificing so much so that we can house her. She is a very weepy, mousy person who seems to be very needy. I cant stand this. I have tried to tell her to get some thicker skin but as long as she has "daddy" that is all she needs.
Something is not right
Something is not right there!!! A kiss when he gets home?
Sick. I would definitely be reminding her that you are the children's mother, not her. I might even go as far as to say to her that the way you see it, there are 4 children in the home, which include her.
She maybe 32 and his daughter, but you are the woman of the house and she is his daughter, his child. I'd be finding a way to get her out on her own - quickly.
What does your DH think about all of this?
He doesnt understand at all.
He doesnt understand at all. He cant conceive why I would be so irritated all the time. He thinks I am being rediculouse. I really cant say much to him at all about it because he defends her in everyway and gets mad at me for saying something.
You need to get her out of
You need to get her out of your house. This is wierd....Seriously sounds like a Lifetime movie of the week and next you will wind up gone and she has moved right in.....Gross.
I told him she was trying to
I told him she was trying to take over my life! It was ok for a while but I just cant take it anymore. I had to explode on her for her to apply for some jobs! Yes, it is wierd that she would want her daddy all the time at 32. I dont get it either.
She has to do everything I
She has to do everything I do. If I go to my friends house, she wants to go with me. If I go for a walk or a run, she wants to go with me. If I go on a diet, she wants to do it with me. I cant get away from her. She goes in mine and my husbands bedroom and does whatever she wants while we are gone. She even sleeps in our bed because she says she feels safer while we are away. WTF......
This is where you need to get
This is where you need to get tough and lay down the boundaries, with both SD and your DH. Lock the bedroom when you're not around - tell her absolutely under no circumstances should she be in there, would you let a 5 year old just wander in your bedroom - NO, same rules apply because she is a child in the home.
When she wants to go places with you, tell her no. Don't worry if she gets mad - you are your own woman, she is a child in the home, not your best friend. All be it 32, she should still be considered a child in the home. As far as YOUR children together - under no circumstances should she address them like she is their mother. It should be made very clear - and if she gets upset - TOUGH. If your DH gets upset - TOUGH. You have a right to say how your house will be run.
If it affects your children, your house, and your checkbook - your damn right you have the right to speak up. Give him 30 days to find alternate housing for her. What are your children learning by watching this?
I think I would even tell my DH that what he is allowing with his 32 year old daughter is teaching your children bad behaviors as they watch her gallavant for free. Don't be afraid to speak up to him and lay down the law. So he gets mad, she gets mad - they need to know you're serious.
She wants to do everything
She wants to do everything you do and follows you around...how about SHE go see a counsellor with you. Even if she just sits there and hears you tell the counsellor what is going on..
Any way she could follow you there?
She has never been married,
She has never been married, never lived on her on!! She acts like an 18 or 20 year old. However, she is higly inteligent. Oh, and he paid her way out of $30,000 in credit card debt also!!! Now we dont have the money to finish remodeling our house!!
She acts like an 18 or 20
She acts like an 18 or 20 year old
Well why wouldn't she, if daddykins is always going to be there to clean up her messes and coddle her? Maybe you can start activley trying to find her a man to marry and be her new sugar daddy?
I would be embarrassed as all hell to be 32 years old and living with one of my parents.. but women like her (and most BMs) only care that someone ELSE is taking care of them.. they don't really care who
Im afraid she is going to
Im afraid she is going to ruin my marraige. If I say anyting to my husband he gets mad at me. So I tend to just hold it in. I am absolutely sufficating. I am going to do something this weekend I have never done since he and I have been married (16 years). I am going to spend the weekend with a friend from highschool. I have to get out of my house and away from her. Just the sight of her and the sound of her voice is getting on my nerves to such a point that I dont even want to go home. But I do have my children to tend to. So I have no choice but to go home!
I know you're afraid if you
I know you're afraid if you speak up too much this will ruin your marriage - but isn't that already the course you're on unless this changes.
You can't hold this in to appease the 2 of them. When do you get what you need? You will self destruct holding it all in.
Have it out with him (have a cocktail first if you need to) - say to him exactly how you feel.
He is your husband, he already knows if he raises his voice and gets angry, you hold it in - he knows you'll "shut up" so to speak. This is a form of maniuplation I'm learning many husbands do. Don't just STOP when he gets upset - you have a right to express yourself - it's your house and children involved.
Would your husband go to some
Would your husband go to some kind of counseling? Sounds like at this point he isn't listening to your very valid concerns. If he is willing to go, he may listen to a third party better. A third party with no vested interest could not be blamed and accused of anything, while letting him know how unhealthy this situation is.
I feel for you.
He would never go to
He would never go to counseling of any kind what so ever! This is his daughter from his first marriage and his first born child. She comes before anything. He lost his firstborn son 3 years ago. He lived with us until he joined the Navy. He was killed in a motorcycle accident. This has been very hard on the family. He this was her brother and his son. So for me to say something about her to him is just an awful awful thing. He needs a lot of help with it. He will never get it and never be able to see my view of things, ever! I love him dearly. I have told him that I cant take much more. I hope to get away with him in a couple weeks so we can spend some time talking about all this. It is becoming harder and harder for me to deal with. She is raking on my every nerve end!!!
I am so so sorry. My dh is
I am so so sorry. My dh is not a counselling type either and that is really hard when they just close the door and can't handle our feelings and concerns. I hope you do get away with him soon and have a chance to talk. Sometimes they just can't go there because if they even crack that door to their pain/issues they feel it could just overwhelm them. So it feels safer to not ever open up like that. Maybe tell us more of the details of what she does and maybe someone will have a suggestion on how to deal with each smaller thing, with the bigger problem in mind. Would you?
Oh HELL to the FUCKING NO! I
Oh HELL to the FUCKING NO! I swear I'd pack my kids up and leave him with his loser daughter. That is just damn gross sorry...
CREEPY!
CREEPY!
Just a suggestion but why not
Just a suggestion but why not make it less comfy for her there in daddy's house? Since she is living there rent free, isn't it reasonable that she "pitch in for the family good" and do things like babysit for you, drive the kids to sports practice or their friends houses? What about take out the trash, clean the kitchen and cook? Because you are all ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY. Right???? }:)
It sounds like your DH has
It sounds like your DH has attachment issues to SD because his son was killed. So he's clinging to SD. He likely needs counseling. But if he refuses to go, you'll have to step up and take action.
I was in the a similar situation. My SD (27) also lived w/us. She and I didn't get along. When I mentioned things to DH he would angry. So after many arguments, door slammings (on my part) and frustation, one night I took him out to dinner and told him point blank - I'm not competing w/SD and if he didn't set her straight about her behavior, I was going to end the marriage. On more than one occasion I did this and then went to spend the weekend w/my sister to give him something to think about. He slowly got the message.
Then I started working on SD. I disengaged from her, and made DH charge her more rent. I also made DH's get in her behind when she didn't do chores and insisted that he make her accountable. Then I did everything I could to show her we wanted our privacy. She got the hint and recently moved out. SD also had a plan to leave after she finished school, but she was taking her sweet time . . . I changed that.
Have a long talk w/your DH and tell him either she goes or you're going. It's time for your SD to get a plan for her life so she won't still be there in 5 years. She needs to get a job, pay you rent, contribute to the household chores, and start saving for her own place. Sit down and have a long talk w/DH and SD to discuss this. Give her a timeline to get her stuff together. Her living there at 32 is pathetic. I too would be ashamed to tell anyone this. And the longer she stays the more miserable you're going to become. And you'll make your self sick. Is it worth it? Step up and set your DH straight about what his priorities should be (taking care of you and your chilren), not allowing his freeloading adult daughter to live there forever. He's not only crippling her, but he's destroying you and your family as well.
I have read all of your
I have read all of your comments and appreciate all of the input. I am going to go back and re read some of your suggestions. I think some of it is great. I will have to work up to some of it. I am also trying to disingage from her being up my butt all the time too. I think she may be getting a little of a hint but I am not sure. Thanks all. I will keep you posted on things.