Am I being selfish?
ok, here is a little background.. I have 2 skids, SD9 and SS6. They are great kids, I love them very much. We get them EOW and 2-3 nights a week. I have none of my own although we are trying. Here in the last month or two I have been going through some sort of "mid-life crisis" I have been wanting to go out, have drinks with friends... just be out and about!! I actually would like my DH to join me at this, but he doesn't really like to go out that much. I must also add that he is on call 24/7 for work, so drinking is normally not an option for him most of the time. Well, this Thursday there is an event that I mentioned to him last week that I want to go to. Thursday is our night with the kids.. so here are some scenarios..
1. I go out and leave him and the kids at home (I have done this like 3 times since we have been together, and its always uncomfortable for me concerned that he is upset about it, which I am sure he is)
2. He ends up having to work, so I am stuck at home with the kids.
3. See if BM will switch Wed for Thurs, and take the chance of him not seeing them at all then too.
SO my problem is that I don't want to change the nights in case he doesnt see the kids, but I dont want to be stuck at home with them either.
I have realized recently though that I have put myself in a position by always being there and playing mom all the time that its expected. Its taken for granted and not seen for what it is, that I dont have to do this, that I do it because I love him and the kids.
AAGGGHHHH I am in such a bad place in this part of my life!!!! I don't want to cause problems, but I am not 100% happy with things.. DH an I talked about some of it a couple of weeks ago, with me telling him that I didn't want to be stuck at home all the time and needed to be out and about...but that if he wouldn't go I was going anyway-he trusts me and knows that I am not running around on him..
So what to do about THursday?? I will prob just end up sitting at home... 
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I say go...
do not ever ever ever feel bad about leaving your H alone with his own kids. I have no bio kids only SS 8 and my H likes me to be with them all the time but I tell him SS really needs time alone with you. They always have a great time alone but look for me to come back. I enjoy leaving them alone and doing my own thing for a while. I know what you mean about playing mom and it not being taken for what it really is. So with that comment you made about it being taken for granted you really need to go out. If H has to go out on call have a back-up that a family member can watch kids and I hate to be like this but it should be up to H to find somebody to watch the kids and I say that but I would feel just as responsible to find someone as him. I feel when SS is in my home is under my care therefore he is my responsibility as well.
It is hard to go from no kids not nothing to BAM husband and kids. I had those feeling of wanting to get out and go but when I did the whole time I wanted to be back with them so I knew then that the going out and being with friends "trying" to pretend no responsibilities was not what I needed I just needed me time to be by myself and do what I need to do. I love them going places with me but sometimes I wanna rome Target or Wal-mart solo without someone asking what else do we have to get or I wanna go look a this.
yes I feel responsible as well
when they are there..I don't know that I would be able to tell him that he has to figure it out.
Its funny, one of my friends calls them my "insta-family" And its so true, and its been so hard. Great times to go with those hard times, but lately its been wearing on me.
I actually have no family within 7 hrs of me, and he only has his mother that might watch the kids- and thats not always reliable.
I guess I need to really just discuss this with him. I think it might be more than just the getting out and about.. we have such an odd dynamic-we have no friends, only one or 2 couples to do stuff with, but they never call because we NEVER go do anything. Its always money, or timing, or whatever. I have always had friends close and been pretty social, so after 4 yrs of not having that its wearing on me.
Is it normal to feel like this??? Is this just working into the family and married life-normal ups and downs?? We were officially married in 11/07 so its been a little over a year(although no one knew but the closest of friends-(ceremony date is 8/08). I feel like I am shirking the responsibilities that I signed up for when I married him- I knew what the package deal was..but is that it?
yes
I believe it is normal to feel that way to want to get out. We were married in 9/07 but had lived together since 5/04 and I had those feelings for a while. It is just in the past 1 1/2 year to 2yrs that I have not felt bad being away from them and I go out to eat with my Step-Mom and Sister-in-Law! I love my girls nights with them and SS really loves his time with his dad. I tend to be the harder one of the 2 as far as staying on SS so H is more lax about some things than I and I know SS looks forward to it but they do not like to miss me at meal time. They love my cooking and want to ensure they will eat out or I will cook for them first. Now before anyone says no way no how they can feed themselves I love to cook and it sorta strokes my ego when my SS tells me I have the best cooks in the world and he wishes his mom could cook like that. So no you are not shirking on your responsibilities...everybody needs time alone and should not feel bad or be made to feel bad for it. Now that I say all this I do not mind being solo when SS is there so they can be alone but I do not want to be without H when SS is not there. I love SS as though he were my own but I CHERISH my alone times with H.
Do you all attend church or know of an older trustworthy teenager who could babysit?
wow...
it makes me feel so much better that I am not the only one who has gone through this!!
If others can make it through, so can I.
I am afraid that is some of the problem.. we dont attend church-long story behind that for me, but for him he just doesnt want to go. And no, there are no older teenagers that I know. I may need to ask around-but then I know like 10 people on a basis that I could ask that!! OH I just need some friends here!!! 5 years and you would think that I would have some! But then, you have to go out and see them to keep them right?? lol I feel like my head is spinning!!!
GO
I would go. Arrange for back up care for your DH in case he does get called in, just to assuage your guilt. You did your part, you know? Have fun!! You are his wife, not his babysitter, not his nanny, not his backup plan. If he doesn't want to go, and you do, GO. I'm not saying to dismiss his feelings, and go out every night and all weekend. But if you sometimes enjoy going out and relaxing with friends, why should you give that up just b/c you married a man with kids? There's all this talk about compromise. This is his part. You gave up a lot of your life to be a second mother to his kids, but you did not give up your whole identity. You are still 4ofus. Embrace both parts, nurture both. Don't neglect yourself.
thank you.. your right
both of you have said the same things in different ways.. I have given myself up for this family-and trying to add another child to the mix! If I dont take care of me then I may lose myself for who knows how long! I feel very naive and immature in this, how do I do both without feeling guilty? He in a way makes me feel guiilty, and I am not even sure he realizes he does it? hopefully I will get to talk to him about it tonight..and it goes well
I have this same situation with my skid and my biokids
I like to go out every couple weeks with the girls. I ask DH if he has plans and if I need to get a sitter or will he be there. He is almost ALWAYS willing to stay home with them, but I NEVER expect it. And vice-versa. We assume that one another will be there for the necessities, but we never assume that we will be there for the frivolities. If he wants to go out and I don't want to watch his daughter, I'll just tell him that he can let BM keep her or get a sitter.
Just tell DH that you're going and that he should get a backup plan. If he gets called into work, he can let BM watch her. After all, what would he do if you weren't there?!