I know this can be a sensitive subject all around for everyone involved, but it doesn't have to be that bad once the truth has been established and accepted-Your SO and the BM of that child are no longer together. That is the reality of the situation.Of course there are a lot of guilty feelings involved- but IMO,the two of them carrying on like they are still together or perpetuating that fantasy to the child is more detrimental than they may realize. I can understand how that would make you uncomfortable. BM is going to have to grow up, accept the fact that her child has a new family and promote a positive relationship with them. That is her parental duty. The child at least should be able to start getting used to transitions between the two household now, or it will just be sheer hell in the future. Your hubby is going to have to stop letting ex control the situation- because there are more people to consider than just his old family. Best of luck w/that!

He does need to stop this. The problem is that the kid(s) has been given too much power to decide. Any child in this situation would choose to try and keep his parents together. If they had the option of not allowing one of them to move on (and in their eyes ruin the chance that their parents might get back together) they would of course chose that. They don't know what is best or what will hurt less in the long run. It would be best for them if there were a clean break and they weren't left continuing to believe this might happen. The parents are their to make these decisions for them. In the long run it's better for the kids to have clear boundaries drawn and followed through. In the short term the kids will resist, but they don't know what is best for them.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. He really needs to understand somehow. If he won't listen to you or really talk with you on this perhaps a counselor can help?

I think he's parenting by guilt, but maybe you could use this to your advantage by saying to him, "But don't your children deserve to be a part of OUR family? Is fair of us to exclude them from OUR life? Instead of giving them a dysfunctional view of how relationships should be managed, shouldn't we show them an example of how a good relationship is conducted? Isn't it the job of good parents to teach our children how to adapt to change and be successful in overcoming life's obstacles? I just want what is best for your children, honey, and I think they deserve the best you can give them and the best you can give them is to include them in your family." He needs to see that what he's doing isn't in their best interest. He's not giving his kids an opportunity to adjust to the new reality, because he's allowing them to keep themselves in a false reality.

My kids don't like to take medicine, but when they are sick, I make them take it. Kids don't like to get shots, go to school, behave themselves 100% of the time or eat their veggies, but good parents sometimes have to make them do things they don't want to do so that they will grow up to be the happy, healthy, educated and well-adjusted people we want them to be. He's doing them a grave disservice by letting them decide something that is an adult decision. They are not equipped to see the future ramifications of such a decision. What happens when they are sixteen or seventeen and won't go to school because they don't like their new teacher? Does he let them skip school? What happens when they are 35 years old and decide they won't go to work because they don't like their new boss? Does he foot all their bills? It's a horrible precedent you set when first you let children make adult decisions. He's only prolonging the inevitable, anyway. What he's doing is the equivalent of pulling a really sticky Band-Aid off of a really hairy leg in a very slow manner. Isn't it better to just rip it off and be done with it, rather than endure several minutes worth of pain?!

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

NCP should have rights too! That is what my mother used to tell me, through my growing up years, and I have applied it with my own as it is the gospel truth. Unfortunatly, while we are raising out children it is not our job to be their friends..to do so without being a parent first and foremost is damaging to them. We have plenty of time to be their friends once they are adults, but the cold hard truth is we have to do what is BEST for them weather they like it or not, weather they hate us or not, and though the thought of our children hating us for even a moment hurts, it would hurt far more if we didnt do what was right for them while they are young and they grow to hate us completly in their adult lives...Your in a tough position in having to show him that in the long run he is damaging his children, but the cold hard fact is that he is damaging them. All children have to learn to deal with adversity in this life, but in doing so he COULD be teaching them something that can last a lifetime for them, what a loving relationship is suppose to be like. Right now he is feeding them with false hopes and in the end this is going to hurt them so much more than if he made the decision to feed them with the truth that exists now, that he has a new life with you and that he wants them to share in that life. It's time to be a parent not a friend....

...is Bf had 4 girls. At the time of Dk & his split, they where 8, 11, 13 & 15. The first month & a half he visited them at their house and that was it. I can understand a transition stage, but reality is reality. Yes, we heard every excuse in the book from DK. "The girls hate her(me), they don't want to go to her house, I'll make sure I'm out when you visit, we have to make this easy for the girls". Blah, blah, you get my point.

The longer you keep them away from reality, the harder it will become. I'm sorry I do not know your whole back round story, but you really need to nip this in the bud. Take it one step at a time.

Suggest next time he goes to visit, you go to and take the skids out to lunch or go bowling. Then maybe do that again, then move to doing something closer to your home where they can just stop by and see the place, then move to a visit at the house, then maybe to a sleepover.

Best wishes, Jo