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Failure to disengage

1sttimestepmom's picture

Submitted by 1sttimestepmom on Thu, 10/28/2010 - 5:43pm

So last night I broke down because it pained me to see SD struggling to breathe and eat at the same time (she has been sick for 2 days). I stopped eating to go get her some lavender oil to help clear her airway so she could finish her meal. Then I did some lymphatic massage on her so she could sleep (I am a trained massage and bodywork practicioner). As annoying as SD can be, and as much as I don't want to be involved I just could not stand by and watch a child, any child, struggling. Then DH asked me if my motivation was to get through dinner without having to hear her sniffle anymore and I was offended. I asked if everything I do has to be selfish or if I am just allowed to do something to be kind. He apologized, but it really hurt my feelings that he assumes the only reason I would do something to help SD is if it served me to do so. This balance is hard to keep. Really I have always loved children and worked with lots of different kiddos and it is not in my nature to let a child suffer through physical discomfort so it is nearly impossible for me to stand idly by and not offer any assistance.

Comments

1sttimestepmom's picture

Submitted by 1sttimestepmom on Thu, 10/28/2010 - 8:01pm

I believe I already asked you on one of my forum posts to ignore my posts and go about your negative miserable life without me. People are here for help not to be berated. Luckily I am secure in who I am and what my life is. I feel sad for you that the only joy you get is in trying to hurt people.

1sttimestepmom's picture

Submitted by 1sttimestepmom on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 4:33pm

Just an update: Today we went for SD's parent-teacher conference and the teacher said that whatever we have been doing for the last few weeks (the time I have been disengaged), it is working and SD has been happier and better in class. Also, that all angry outbursts and impulsive disruptiveness has stopped. Seems disengaging DOES work. It is making all of us happier. DH was very pleased with the results.

1sttimestepmom's picture

Submitted by 1sttimestepmom on Thu, 10/28/2010 - 8:15pm

Yea that was kind of my point blender. That I couldnt help it because it was painful to watch but it didnt make it any more appreciated. Well actually I have to say here that SD did thank me (whether prompted by DH or not I don't know as I left the room to put away my oils) and smiled at me for the rest of dinner. I was not angry at her, just disappointed that DH decided to make light of it.

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Thu, 10/28/2010 - 6:07pm

I think your DH needs to realize that you are a human being who does not want to see another human being suffer - it has nothing to do with her sniffles - that was a really asswipe thing for your DH to say. We as SM's can disengage but still do things for our skids - it just means that we know it won't be appreciated and so for the sake of our sanity we need to step away from doing the things that quite frankly we have been doing to fill the gap that the DH's in our lives have not been doing.

I would seriously take DH aside and politely but very firmly point out that he had better think before he says anything quite that offensive again - he may not realize that he was a douche about it but he needs to know. Our jobs are not easy and I told DH this summer that I am disengaging as well because I could not take my SS taking everything I do for him for granted - my DH got upset because he thought it meant I was not going to be nice to SS. It did not mean that at all - it meant I would not be going out of my way to do the extra small things I use to do for him - also because he complained (and the words were an exact copy of what his BM had said to my DH 2 days earlier) that he did not need any more clothing - I took back the $200.00 outfit I got him at The Buckle and put a $50.00 check in his card when we celebrated his birthday - which I did early because he lives FT with his mother and we never get to celebrate his b-day with him. So I did not cancel the party I just took back the expensive outfit and gave him what he wanted money.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Thu, 10/28/2010 - 6:09pm

Disengaging has worked quite well for me. Just because you are disengaged, doesn't mean you stop being human.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 10/28/2010 - 7:06pm

You can still disengage. All you were doing is to assist someone in the manner you were trained.

If you were an EMT would you sit by and let her choke to death? Would you sit by and let a hated MIL die of a heart attack (OK don't answer that one), the grotty neighbour kid falls and badly breaks his arm, you do nothing?

When someone has a health issue, those of us who are trained respond automatically. When my husband hears noises outside he gets his gun out and goes into 'cop mode'.

Some men (note the SOME) are dumbasshit. Right now yours is a card carrying member.

1sttimestepmom's picture

Submitted by 1sttimestepmom on Thu, 10/28/2010 - 8:18pm

Thank you. I really appreciate that. I like to believe that I am only human and am new to all of this. Honestly DH jokes about things to avoid feeling uncomfortable (read getting emotional) and it was my understanding that while incredibly stupid and not well-thought through he wasnt trying to be snotty but was making a joke instead of having to express the gratitude I read on his face when I sat back down at the table. I am not making excuses for him as I stated and recognize that it was stupid and hurtful I am just saying it does not make him a terrible person/husband or whatever a lot of people on here would like to believe just because he was trained not to have emotions. He honestly is getting better and when he saw how hurt I was he genuinely apologized.