How would you react?
I'll preface this by saying my husband is uncommonly generous. He always overtips the waitress, he's handed a little kid in line in the store money to buy something when the parent(s) ran short.
It was actually one of the things I admired about him when we were dating. And that, of course, was before I saw the true dynamics of his relationship with SD17, and his seeming "fascination" with her. Don't remember whose blog the fascination came from-but very good description.
H recently called me from the optomologist (sp) office, asking about our insurance, etc. He was getting new glasses. About and hour later he called again.
The conversation went something like this-
H-I just did something and have to tell you about it.
Me-(thinking he made some big purchase as the opto is in the mall) ok, well, what did you do?
H-Well, I paid for contacts for a girl. She was short the money so I paid the rest. I am so blessed I wanted to share.
Me-You what?
H-Oh, I just felt so good to do something for someone who has less than we do. This girl is about SD17's age, a college girl, whose working her way thru school, didn't have enough cash to pay for her contacts. She was $35.00 short and was going to have to come back after the weekend to pay for them, so I gave her the money. She appreciated it so much, she had tears in her eyes.
Me-SD17 is in high school. Not the same as a twentysomething in college. So you're gifting money to strange women now and want me to feel proud of it?
H-How dare you get mad. It was charity.
Me-No. If you want to donate to charity, give to the Red Cross, give to the Childrens Fund, give to the animal shelter. Giving money to a woman in the mall is not charity. I don't feel very good about my husband giving money to other women.
H-You're sick. If it was SD17 I'd want someone to do the same for her. You are so sick. Click. Hung up on me.
So. Am I the one with the problem? Would you all feel ok if your husband gave money to another woman in the mall? This young woman-in her twenties, is not a child. She is a woman. And after watching H fawn over SD17, I have suspicions as to why he would do such a thing. I mean, if she was poverty stricken, she would've been getting glasses, not contacts. I know, as I wear contacts and overall they cost alot more than a pair of glasses.
Your input here is important to me. My son says H did so he could feel puffed up and like a hero to another woman, and that he has three women to take care of (me, sd17 & sd13) period.
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Left out the most important part
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and decided to be totally open and honest with you all.
When I was running short on my contacts, and needed refills, H held me down and spit in my eye. I know, you all think I'm insane to still be here after that, but, I can't afford to leave right now. It would ruin me financially, and I'm not young any longer. I don't have years to get my finances turned back around. I have to do it while H and I are together.
Completely Agree
Your right, if he wants to give to 'charity' it should be to one of the great ones that you have listed, not to some strange woman in the mall. I don't think your wrong for being bothered by this, I know I would be!
OMG honey
this man is a nut job. I am so angry for you. I understand the financial part but this stuff is crazy.
yeah i second that
that doesnt even make sense??
what is wrong w him???
i understand not being able to leave...i hope one day soon u can. hugs to u.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I agree with you Vic
I think I would have likely responded with the overreaction thing if she hadn't included the last part....
I gift to people all the time, even sometimes when I really shouldn't. Drives my Dh nuts. However, I usually never tell anyone about it when I do it, unless he really to know about it. I wonder why he felt the need to "share" that with you. It has often been my experience that people that give from the heart rarely want anything out of it and generally don't want to blab about it.....makes me wonder why he felt the need....
did you ask him....
why he did not just spit in this womans eye and say..."there, all better now". WTF is that crap, you have every right to feel the way you do."~waiting on the world to change~"
You mean he literally spit
You mean he literally spit in your eye? Why would he do that?! I'm very confused...
Just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you SHOULD
Yes. He litterally spit in my eye
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
This was prior to him giving the girl the money for the contacts.
Money was tight at the time, but I was on my last pair of lenses and when he got home from work, I said I was going to order contacts. He went ballistic. He pushed me down on the bed (the computer is in the bedroom, and I order my lenses online) held me down and spit straight into my eye.
So I'm supposed to feel proud and wonderful that he would pay for contacts for a stranger?
And yes, Vic, I would say he totally forgot about that episode when he was boasting to me about paying for her contacts. I will say that he has not repeated anything physical since that time. He knew he crossed the line, as I told him if he ever did anything like that again I was calling the authorities. And he may have forgotten that episode, but I haven't. Not one minute of it.
Oh God, Bewitched...
Honey, I just don't know WHAT to say other than you need to be as careful as possible in 'making your escape' without doing aything to piss this man off. He definitely is a 'live wire' and, given this horrendous and graphic example, has extreme anger issues towards you.
I agree with Sia about his need to share his act of "charity" with this girl. The whole thing just seems unsettling. I'd let it go and just add it to the rolodex of "things that led me to believe that DH is deranged"!
Hang in there, Hon. (((((HUGS))))))
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I blame myself for not comprehending the warnings
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
before we were married. We dated for so many years, and were on and off for other years, that the things that happened during our dating period were so far between, I didn't connect the dots.
For example, when we were not together I went on a couple of dates with another man. H. showed up at my house when the guy came to pick me up-he had to have been watching my house, as I certainly didn't tell him I had a date.
Another time, again when we were not seeing each other, I dated a man for 6 months. I was over at his house (the other fellas), he looked out the door, and there was H (then, of course not married) sitting a block down, watching the house. My breakup with that man was followed by the most traumatic event of my life, and H was there for me. This was a four years ago. So I just blocked it all, I guess, because I so desperately needed someone. And H was there.
So I have my own responsiblity here. There were some signs, not necessairly in your face signs, but signs nonetheless. And I let time and his "can't live without you" attentiveness overrule my judgement.
Don't beat yourself up, Bewitched
You have so much on your plate to deal with already! You are where you are in life and there's nothing you can do to change it, so why play that game inside your head- it will only add more stress to your life. (And probably give you another migraine!!)
The only thing you CAN do in life is move forward, in a positive direction, to BETTER things for you. And you're trying to do that now. You have a plan. OK, it's going to take some time to get things in order, but it IS a plan. And it places YOU at the top of the list. Now keep your eye focused on that goal and work toward it, day by day, and you will be ok.
Don't be bogged down by those "If only I'd have known better" thoughts. They can't help you achieve your forward-thinking goals!
And, as always, we're here to give you that added "pick-me-up" when you're feeling low!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
thats great advice from 5teens
my DH always says, "i cant change the past. but i move on and look to the future." u need to do the same. and we'll be here to help!!!!!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Wow! Thats pretty much all I can say now
I'm speechless about this guy. I can't imagine why he would do the things he does. First, spitting in your eyes..completely icky and freakish. I'm so sorry he did that...it's terrible he would behave like that.
As far as this broad in the mall, H sounds like a pervert or at least on the fringe of being one. Anyone who has a fascination with young girls and spits on his wife's contacts has major issues.
I just want to say I'm truly sorry from the bottom of my heart about what has happened to you. I can absolutely relate because I left a marriage that was like this. I was married to a monster. When I got away from him, I found out he has narcissistic personality disorder. That might be why yours is acting weird. You can google that and find out alot of info about it. There's alot of sickos in the world who are sick inside but kind of get along ok in the world, except for their home life.
I get why you're staying and there's nothing to be ashamed of. It is way way more important to plan something like this than to just up and take off unless you're in immediate danger.
I hope you can get your money situation sorted out soon so you can get the hell away from this perv.
Hugs.
It sounds
fishy to me. I wouldn't like it and I'd be very mad. Had you two been together and decided to give the woman some money that would be different. I'll bet you she was pretty & probably blonde & she cocked her head to the right as she sobbed. Oh, he got played & liked it. I wouldn't trust this man with MY money. At my age I decide what to do with MY money. I have never co-mingled funds and that is one of the reasons.
DO NOT SECOND GUESS your gut. God gave you your gut so that you can decide what to do for yourself.
Does he rescue damsels in distressed a lot? All he will get in return is one distressed damsel and a pissed off wife!
I do see alot more clearly now-and not just because of contacts!
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I see where him showing up when I had a date with another man, him following me to the second guys home wasn't about love. It was not about undying love as he claimed. It was about control. He was not going to have what he considered his out with another man.
And I see the need to control here. Like him telling me "Don't tell me what to do" when I suggested he tell SD17 to sit up on the couch or go to bed so SD13 & I would have a place to sit.
I see it when he tells me "I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do" if I ask him to do anything here at home. It shows when what was mine (for instance, this PC) automatically becomes ours and his kids', but his laptop remains HIS.
Honestly for the most part, during our dating years, he was generous-sometimes too generous (like a diamond bracelet he gave me-5 carats and he's not wealthy), trips, over here ever evening before he took the out of state job. He even bought a new Mustang convertible when we broke up once, because I had mentioned that I liked them. He brought it over with an engagement ring. How do you hate a guy like that? How do you see thru all that to the core?
It's like he's two different men. Generous one day, spitting in my eyes over contacts the next. I just don't know. I don't know.
What the
That is very odd behavior, the whole eye thing. I would try just disengaging as he sounds like he goes overboard and gets really riled up. I bet he did want to feel like a big man for the poor widdle 'girl', but to me it is more important that you not tick him off for now, and try to plan your exit. I am so sorry that happened and I am furious for you!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Thru
experience I have found that ANY man that says "don't tell me what to do" to a wife who is sweetly asking for help taking out the garbage is an ASSHOLE and deserves to be alone------or with an idiot woman who will be the object of his need to control.
Don't let him off too easily because these things are repetitive & bound to get worse. Be careful.
You have endured years of mental abuse B
Because this has gone on for so long you probably don't even realize it. From the beginning if he couldn't have you it sounds like he didn't want anyone else to have you. He does not like to lose he wants to be in control. You are his WIFE and what you say counts. I would never tolerate the you do not tell me what to do. You sound like a wonderful lady and you asking for simple things should be a yes honey let me take care of that. I would be pissed that he paid for that girls contacts. He treated you in such a degrading fashion when you needed something yet he needs to tell you how generous he was to a complete stranger. What is this fascination with the young girls. I'm sure you know all this deep down and just because you are 42 it is not the end of the world. I'm ONLY 40 and I am not scared to start over. Make your plans, save your money, and get away from this controlling man. You have all of our support and guidance here if you want it.
You ladies are so wonderful
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
You all make me feel so much better! Thank you-and if things don't improve with H (I'm working on my independence as we speak-it will take time, but I'm working on it) I think I'll steer clear of men and go the Golden Girls route! Why can't he understand anything-just even one small part of what he's doing to me-to us-when you all understand perfectly???!!!