Custody hearing, how long can she drag it out for?
Sorry to keep posting different topics, I just thought it would be easier to divide up my MANY (lol) issues.
We are planning to serve BM with custody papers this week. I'm told that for temporary custody, we will get a hearing in about 2 weeks, for permanent custody, about a month.
BM is pregnant, and supposedly on bedrest. I know I should feel sorry for her and all that, but I don't, she's always out getting groceries, or visiting her parents, or getting take out somewhere, so it doesn't sound all that serious to me. Besides my primary concern is SD14, who now is responsible for ALL housework and chores, and BM's treatment of SD as a result.
My question is can she put off the hearings? For how long? Is there anything we can do? She's not due until December, and F fears that if we hire a lawyer, BM just won't show up in court, and we'll go broke paying legal fees for a trial that keeps getting postponed.
anyone have any input???
Hmmm...
I thought that if they don't show up then they forfeit their side...that's what we were told by our lawyer anyways is that the best thing is for her not to show up or respond to a hearing that she was notified about...
Mama is right,
if they dont show, the judge might set 1 more hearing date, but beyond that no.....she will lose.
that's potentially the best
that's potentially the best news I've heard yet. Even with a Dr.s note or something she has to show? I thought perhaps she might be able to get a continuance until dec, after the baby was born...
Thank you both for responding!!
Dr's note
She will have to submit, ahead of time, a doctor's note. If the judge is a good judge, he will order her to appear anyway, and she will have to sit through the whole trial instead of stand at the bench. If she submits a Dr's note, then the hearing will more then likely be postponed. Call the Judge's clerk and ask her how these things are normally handled in these situations. If I were you, I wouldn't feel one bit sorry for her...your SD didn't choose for BM to get pregnant and there is no reason SD should have to do all the work!!! If she dosen't submitt a Dr's note and chooses not to show, then you should recieve a default. GOOD LUCK!!
Thank you for responding
Thank you for responding with that information, it's very helpful! We just found out last night that BM is off bedrest! we found out via SD via her grandmother, since BM TOLD the grandmother she wasn't going to tell SD so SD would continue to have to do all of the housekeeping and chores...
Payback is a b*tch, now she has no excuse not to show up in court!
ps, and thank you for
ps, and thank you for reassuring me about not feeling bad! SD has changed her myspace name to "cinderella" as a result of this shoddy treatment she's getting. SD is the first one to say "I can't believe she's going to have another kid, she can't even afford to feed the ones she has!"
You'd think that her fat slob of a husband, the father of this little bundle of joy, might chip in and help, but no, that's WOMAN'S work, therefore, SD is next in line. Poor kid!
talk is cheap...
I know you have heard that old saying. So, don't be surprised if she pulls the DR's note out of thin air. She could start having "symptoms" right before you go to court and be put back on bedrest. Stay on your toes and double check everything a few days before you go to court!!!! Poor SD, I would hate to know that my BM said that about me...I am sure it is going to damage herself esteem along the way. Provide her enough love, support, and ears and she will make it through this terrible time. I know that being made to choose between 2 parents is a hard thing to do, no matter what she says!!!
the unfortunate truth is
the unfortunate truth is that BM has broken her heart enough times where although it's painful to go through, it's not a difficult choice. Poor kid KNOWS her dad pays significant CS, and she gets a single mattress on the floor to sleep on, hand me down clothes, and ramen noodles to eat, PLUS the joy of doing all the housework, and most of it even before that. As of last weekend she reported, just in conversation, not trying to GAIN anything that her mother slapped her the week before for using a paper towel, and again for refusing to bake a cake for BM because SD was up to her elbows doing dishes at the time.
At our home she has her own big room, a double bed, all the decor she picked out, including the colors of the walls, she has books, a computer (an old one, but it still works and it's hers!) and most of all two people who engage with her, challenge her, respect her, and care for her. We're not rich, and we didn't give her all of these things out of guilt or trying to buy her, we did it b/c she's a good kid, and she deserves it. At 14, she is NEVER a problem in our home. I was hell on wheels when I was her age, and so was her dad, so we are thrilled to be able to give nice things to an appreciative respectful young girl who always is grateful for our love and support. No shock really she decided to live with us, I just hope we can make it happen for her....
Have you tired
Calling someone when things get rough over there? If you know when times are hard for her...can you call and do a welfare child check up? That's where the police go out to BM's just to check on her, and then call you back to report? I am not sure if this is able to be done, my guess would be not. Have you tried doing a social study investigation? You can request one through the court, IF BM is going to fight. The investigation would give the court eyes and ears in each house. The investigator would talk to the child and both sets of parents, and recommend who the child should live with. The court will usually listen to the investigator. Or you said SD is like 14ish, right? Have you thought about an "elective"? In Texas, the children can decide who they want to live with when they are 12. The child signs an elective, and that tells the Judge who the child would like to live with.
investigations and age of consideration...
Hi Desguized,
As I understand it, in CT that investigation is usually done when the court case is initiated. (F called the lawyer yesterday, and we're trying to set up a meeting for Friday). SD will be 15 in Jan, and 12 is the age at which a child's input is CONSIDERED, but there's not a time when it comes down completely to her wishes, as the court recognizes that children will sometimes want to go with the parent that lets them eat icecream in bed and stay up all not, not necessarily the person who will best care for them.
For BM, her benefits are that she has a house, is married (F and her were never married, and this is marriage #2 for her) and SD has a little sister by her latest marriage, and BM is pregnant again, so they're a FAMILY. She also does not work, thanks to the CS F pays. Plus she's had physical custody all along.
All these things, at least superficially, work in her favor.
For us, our apartment is bigger than her house. We have a higher income than BM. SD has everything she needs with us to succeed academically and in life in our home, and we have no other children so we are completely devoted to her and her success. There is a brand new school in our town, which has state of the art everything, and it opens in the fall. SD is excited by the many opportunities that the new school will give her, as opposed to her smaller, current school. She is interested in doing academic clubs and groups, whereas she is involved in only one sport at her current school, one in which she does not have much of a future with anyway.
But by far the biggest point in our favor is the disintegration of the relationship between SD and her mother, and SD's decision that she wants to be with us. In CT, when we file the papers, BM automatically gets a free lawyer, SD gets a lawyer to represent her interests, but if we want one, we have to hire one out of pocket. In theory, since this is what SD wants, her lawyer should be acting on our behalf, but to go through all this and not be prepared seems foolish, so we're hiring one now.
I fear for SD and what her home life will be like when the sheriff serves BM with the papers, she is going to lose it, 100%, and we truly fear that SD will back down and say "forget it" as a result. I hope to god that doesn't happen, b/c F has talked to SD so many times about this, to be ABSOLUTELY sure this is what she wants, reminding her of the cons, and the fact her mother may flip out and at least in the immediacy, we won't be able to get SD out of there, and she says she understands, but she's a kid, and perhaps she doesn't know how bad it can be....
Investigate
Talk to you lawyer, as always, but in my state a parent can ask the court at anytime to appoint an investigator to the case, aside from the ad litem or amicus...which ever your SD will be appointed. As for the police, call and ask the local department for SD, if they offer something like what we have. Here it is called a welfare child check-up. It's pretty simple, a police officer goes to the house where SD is, and "checks" on her, talks to her makes sure she's ok, then leaves. The police officer reports back to the non-custodial parent. This is usful in 2 ways, it will get the attention of BM and leave a paper trail for court.
I think when the papers are
I think when the papers are served, that will be a very very good idea. I am worried what BM is going to put SD through when she gets that knock on the door.
I've been trying to figure out a way to get SD some counseling too, especially after all this hits the fan. but apparently F's insurance only covers it when there's a diagnosed problem, so we'll be paying out of pocket for it until she's REALLY screwed up. Greaaat. With the court fees, the lawyer fees, and school starting up, we won't be able to afford 125 an hour....
Custody papers
Hey im new to this site and trying to find help and no one seems to be able to help me. Would any of you know about how long it should take for the other party to be served with custody papers? I went thru 9 months of you know what and now im at the end of month 2 of hiring my lawyer and nothing seems to be getting done. I signed the papers and got them sent to the courts around 2 months ago and I haven't heard anything back about it. I'm sick and tired of waiting and it has frustrated me to no end. Please can somebody help put my mind at ease.
Try the School...
We have a program in our school district called H.U.G.S., I am not sure what it stands for. It helps kids of divorced parents, and those who are having a difficult time at home. Also, call your local medicaide(sp) office, they can recommend low-cost counceling. Where there's a will, there's a way
There are all kinds of tricks that you would be surprised to learn. The goverment has all kinds of programs/grants to help families without mental health coverage. This is where the goverment got it right...I guess the realized if they nipped it in the bud, they would have less "angery" people on their hands 
ah me, I was just shot down
ah me, I was just shot down by family services, saying he must be the legal guardian to make an appt for her, otherwise, no go....
legal gaurdian?!?!?
What do they call a biological parent?!?!? Do you have papers? If so, read his custodial rights! It should same something about being able to consent to medical and educational treatment!!! If not, HURRY AND GET THEM!! I know you are doing what you can, it just fusterates me when they give you that bullcrap! If you don't have papers, get ahold of SD birth cert. and have them prove that he is not the legal guardian!! They are a bunch of boneheads! Don't take NO for an answer.
I explained that he had 49%
I explained that he had 49% custody, and BM had 51% and they said no go then, only BM can do it. Hell, I may have the girl call for herself, I bet SHE can make a mental health appt for herself!
I've been all over F about the papers, it drives me insane that he doesn't have anything in writing about any of this except his paycheck stubs with the CS deductions on them. I've tried calling various places, but I can only get so far in getting anything accomplished, as I'm not her biological parent. My job allows me the luxury of total access to phones and emails all day every day. His does not, and it makes it very hard for him to do this king of legwork. If I could say for sure "CALL X and get Y" he'd do it, but so far, it hasn't been that easy...
Again thank you for all the support!
Been there done that!!!
Have you tried having him sign a "genaric" permission letter? Something along the lines of --" I, _________, give permission for _________(you) to inquire about anything that has to do with my affairs. Please speak to her about anything that has to do with me." Have him sign it, then you can fax, email it, carrier pigeon it to where you need it to go? Here the attorney general handles all CS issues, and my DH had to write something like that.
I haven't tried that yet, he
I haven't tried that yet, he just told me last night he didn't think I should come to the initial consulation with the lawyer I found for him on Tuesday.
I'm kinda pissed off about this, I know SO much more about this stuff than he does, and have taken the time to educate myself about it for the sake of his kid, it makes me crazy.
So this weekend it's going to be like sending your kid to kindergarten for the first time. I'm going to print out ALL the papers, and stand there and help him fill them out (I do legal docs at work, so the language and format makes sense to me plus my SPELLING is far superior) organize it all, make a list of questions for him, put it in a damned folder for him, etc. Hopefully he'll change his mind though, I want to hear for myself what he says, and what she says, I don't want to hear his play by play afterward, and HOPE I ask all the right questions!
Why?!
If you and him are going to be sharing the responsibilities of helping this child blossom into an adult, shouldn't you be able to ask questions and gain answers yourself? That's the way I would gingerly ask him...? Tell him that you are only waiting to make sure that all bases are covered and that nothing is left unsaid...after all 2 heads are better then 1.
BM's not going to be there is she?!
I'm going to work on him. He
I'm going to work on him. He said that until he actually HIRED the lawyer, that nothing would happen, it's just a consultation, but that's not good enough for me. The conversation got a bit stymied b/c I chose then to make it a point to say he never shared with me his salary. Once he told me, I was shocked, given that he manages to do so well with his money on so little. I told him it wasn't about the money, it was about feeling trusted and valued, and as I'e been working all this out for him, this has been a big question mark, and I feel like I'm shooting in the dark.
Nope, BM isn't going to be there. He also said he didn't want me to go to court with him, for fear it would dissolve into a fight between her and I. Now, I have a real problem with this, b/c I KNOW her good for nothing husband will be there acting like a big man, and also although I found him a female lawyer, I think it will look much better for him to present a couple, a family, rather than a single guy looking for custody. Ultimately I got him to agree that he would take his lawyer's advice on this issue. I told him it would be stupid to pay someone hundreds an hour to ignore their advice. And I promised not to be baited by BM no matter what. I know full well that anything she does or says just reflects badly on her, and I will NOT engage with her.
He says he doesn't want me to be an active player in all this because he's afraid he'll lose, and not just lose, but lose what he has now, the ability to see his daughter every weekend. He's afraid that if I'm too involved, that emotionally he might blame me, and he doesn't want to do that, despite that he intellectually knows that it's not my fault, his heart would be broken, and he's afraid he'd take it out on me.
I hadn't really thought about that, but I understand. When I got divorced, I couldn't let him be involved at all either. He went with me to the final court thing, and sat at a coffee shop down the street for about 2.5 hours while I dealt with that, then held me when I cried later. He's really a good man, and I need to respect him in this as much as I can, while still be able to be as supportive as I know I can be....
I am totally on the same page!
I understand your husband's need for "space" when it comes to this...I was the sameway when I went through everything with my Ex. But, there are strength in numbers. Support comes from everywhere. It will not make him less of a man to share this emotional time with you. He can and might blame you for all this with or without you there. Just remember, he is her father, and there is nothing that can change that. I am sure that a judge will not take his daughter completely out of his life, hopefully with the help of an
Atty he will get more time...if not custody!!!
Maybe this will help, it's what I tell my husband when he is fusterated....HE is the backbone of this family...I am merely the glue. Without me, our family would have a hard time sticking together...without him, we would have nothing to stick to...so, we have to work together to make this whole family come together. I love my DH...Lord knows I do....but....MEN! Argh!!!
They are not emotionally as strong as they think that they are. And I think that's what leads them into trouble.
I am glad that he has relented and let you have something to do with all this...score 1 for you!! lol Keep me informed