I need help being an adult step/ paging SA
I am a cook. 
Well, I'm a banker for a living but a cook in my heart. I also love, love, love to host. This Thanksgiving is going to be so special- My brother will be joining us, along w/ Perfectson23,DD21(my almost DIL, I've been in her life since age 15 so I call her "daughter" with her/ her parents blessing),DD20, and of course DD13 and DH. So, my mom's whole little family will be at my house. (Dear Brother is gay and has no SO). Lots of food, fun, and love, lots of vegetarian dishes for veganDD20 and vegetarian Perfectson23 and DD21, (mom is semi-almost vegetarian). Gold and red candles, day after Thanksgiving spiced cider (don't worry virgin for me lol)and carmel apple cookies. Where will mom and her DH be? With his family, of course! Because as he says, "family is everything"! Well, I guess if it's his. I can count on one hand the holidays my mom, my precious mom, has spent with her grandkids. Now that I'm at the end of my vent I guess I don't need advice, just needed to get it off my chest to be in my happy place again. But as always, feel free to comment!!! Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
I'm sorry. I can feel your
I'm sorry. I can feel your pain. I truly can. I LOVE hosting. LOVE large groups at my place. I throw a Chili Fest every year. Friends, family, kids of all ages. It is sooooo much fun. Everyone brings a crockpot of their chili, drinks of their own, (and of their choice) I provide desserts and chili sides also hot beverages. I have a couple acres, so we have lots of room for the kids to play and run, with woods, trampoline, swing set, etc.... We also have a roaring bon fire going the whole time. People come eat chili, sample all the different chilli's, enjoy dessert, and the company of each other! This year I had a voting station set up. Secret ballad vote for "Chili Champ 2012". I even had a cheesy plastic trophey, and a chef hat that said Chili Champ. Gawd it was great. Response was amazing. We have around 50+ people here for it. I look so forward to it. I enjoy it sooo much from planning to party that I am literally still on a "high" the next day. This year was an even better high.
I stepped out of my back porch which sits up high (and where the food is)and I can see my back yard filled with people. Kids running around, people talking. Not just talking with their own little group, but mingling with others and my heart swelled. THESE are the people who WANT to be here. In the past I would be kind of bummed out over who DIDN'T come. The ones I was really wanting to be there, to see. The ones who seem to let me down the most. (my mother being one of them) My fdh gets a little bummed each time too, cause literally NO ONE from his family this year came. (eye roll) This year was different for me, and I loved every minute. I loved it even more. I don't even remember what some of those excuses were for not coming, cause I DON'T CARE!
I cannot begin to describe the warmth in my heart when I looked out and saw who was there. My family, my friends, they WANTED to be there and that was why they were there. I focused on who was there, focused sooo much that my heart didn't have room to be hurt on who wasn't there, and why. Every year I invite more and try to make the chili fest bigger, this year it was smaller than last year. That's okay, cause I sure did appreciate it more. Not because of how many people were there but because of WHO was there.
Cant Win, your additude is
Cant Win, your additude is wonderful and infectous. And of course, I know that's how I'll feel too. Your shindig sounds like a blast!Chili-mmmmm.
My mom's husband comes from a big rich family, he's still very attatched to his FOO. (they have no kids together,and he has no kids, mom just has brother and me). It's like my mom's little family just gets pushed to the side. But she allows it so I never say anything- they have an open and warm invite to my home for any holiday. They just choose to go to his family's. The last Christmas Perfectson23 was at home before college, I outright begged my mom for them to come- I could tell he resented being here, so now I don't beg. It makes me sad, because my dad is long dead, and even though he's healthy right now, my brother has AIDS. So it's like my FOO is the incredible shrinking family.
ctnmom, I have to admit it
ctnmom, I have to admit it wasn't something I consiously worked on. It just happend to hit me like a ton of bricks. I know straining relations that I have with some family members (mom especially) have been coming to a head with in this last year. As well as some great relations have really grown tremendously this last year.
My relationship with my mother, (as I look back) really isn't that different that it always has been. I think I am just more aware cause I am tired of chasing her. I even saw her a week and a half before the chili fest and she was all like, "oh yea, can't wait. I'm comin. What's the date and time again? Gonna be there. Lookin forward to it. blah blah." I am NOT surprised she didn't show up.
It's funny you say that about your mom and his family. For some reason my mother would rather hang out with stranger's than her own family. I don't get it. :? She is more relaxed, less defensive, conversates more, etc....This is also not just a me her issue. She has relationship issues with ALL of us. (me and my sibs, her sibs and her own mother) My middle sister is struggling the most right now. She asks me all the time, how can I deal with it, etc...
I tell her, first I have come to the realization that mom has her OWN issues inside her. NOTHING I can do about that. Secondly, I just stopped having expectations! If I don't expect that she will show, she can't dissapoint me when she doesn't. I don't purposely disclude her from things, but I don't go out of my way anymore.
I have 3 kids, she has no realtionship with them. I use to hurt over that, but now....that is between HER and them. I cannot be responsible for her realtionships with other family members. All I can do is embrace my relationships that I have with other family members.
I understand that sometimes, it just still bums ya out at times. Sometimes, it does for me too, but as time passes, it bums me out less and less.
I hear ya girl, and most
I hear ya girl, and most times I can accept the way things are, and give them over to God. I guess I just get a little wistful at the holidays. Thing is, my mom LOVES my kids, she brags on them to anybody who will listen, she's just always been very man-centered. To her detriment. She's truly miserable because she never does anything to feed her soul, she just kow tows to her husband. But as you learn in AA/al-anon, "I didn't create it, I can't change it, and I can't cure it." Such is life. A lot of 12 step wisdonm can be applied to step situations!
"But as you learn in
"But as you learn in AA/al-anon, "I didn't create it, I can't change it, and I can't cure it." Such is life. A lot of 12 step wisdonm can be applied to step situations!"
Yup yup! Indeed.
I spoke about my mom a little bit with a counslor I saw sometime ago. The icing on the cake was last year christmas. So I was explaining all to the counselor, and she said something to me that really smacked me across the forehead. She said, "your mom is tryin to fill a void. (that i knew) she finds things/people that give her that instant high, that instant gratification, (kind of knew that too) YOU, your family, don't give her that "high"." (face palm)
Duh, how obvious was that?! LOL That statement summed it up perfectly. Like I said, I am tired of chasing her anymore. She has not been apart of our daily lives in years and years. (and I don't mean like I have to see her daily or talk to her daily) I think you know what I mean. She has not been apart of our daily lives and we have learned to live without her. Then she calls up, "oh I want to see the kids this weekend." Ok. Friday comes, no mom. I don't even TELL the kids anymore. I don't wait anymore either. Then the excuses she has if you ask her is just unbelievable. They are just sooo, pathetic (for lack of a better word) that it leaves you thinking, "you would have rather of done THAT then see us?" Hence, refer back to couselor's statement.
I stopped being wishful at the holiday's cause I don't associate "family" with holiday's anymore. I associate "loved ones" with holiday's now. Same difference I suppose if you drop the original meaning of family.
So true, what you say about
So true, what you say about loved ones. My DH's bestie has spent several holidays w/us (same w/my bff that I've had since the age of eight) he's JEWISH and we're CATHOLIC, makes for some fun jokes at the table!
Your counselor was very wise, but when we're in the situation sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, hence your "facepalm" moment. My mom and I mostly have a phone relationship, and as we were saying I do a lot better when I just ACCEPT that, and concentrate on my KIDS and DH who love and care for me and my companionship.
I'm so sorry! I understand
I'm so sorry! I understand the situation, to a point, as my ex MIL was like this. My mom has always been one that would rather you come to her than she come to you, but we all realized that's just her.
I hope you're able to have a great holiday despite not having your mom with you there. Your get-together sounds like so much fun and soooooo delicious too! Caramel apple cookies? Spiced cider? Hell, I'd be there if I were invited!!!!!!!!!!!