SS badly behaved for BM, perfect for us
Hi all
my SS7 (an only child) is apparently a holy terror when he with his BM, which is during the week. We have him every weekend as we have done for the last 2 years. I feel for the BM as I know it can be harder for a single mother to deal with boys than it is for boys with fathers (men are generally more able to be authoritative, and their size and deeper voice etc helps).
Over the last year or so SS7 has started doing things like lock himself in the bathroom for hours and refuse to come out, kick and hit her, refuse to eat his meals and swears at her. He also gets up in the night, goes to her room and she lets him sleep with her. He basically rules the roost (and yes a lot of this is due to her weak parenting). She took him to a child shrink who gave her basic parenting advice, like no TV before bed etc.
He does not do any of those things with us and I (and anyone else who knows him when he is with us) am surprised to hear that he does such things with his mother, as he comes across as a somewhat shy, well behaved child (though I have seen small snippets of how he tries to quietly or passively push boundaries, which I have helped DH to see and nip in the bud - previously DH was also too soft and permissive). BM is reaching the end of her tether and I don't want her to give up because that would mean SS7 living with us full time.
His grandparents (DH's parents)spoil him rotten, give him junk food, buy him stuff he demands, take him where ever he wants to go, let him stay up late etc) and I have observed myself that the way he interacts with them is very different to how he is with us. eg he doesn't bother looking at them when they speak to him, ignores his grandmother especially. I would guess it is the same sort of thing but worse with his mother. The grandparents think he is perfect, but there was one time they were visiting BM and SS7, and the GM phoned my DH to tell him SS7 was being a "right little bastard". So for that to come from her means it must have been pretty bad.
Even though the BM needs to improve her parenting skills, it doesn't seem right that SS gets to be a little shit during the week with her, then gets to come and spend the weekend doing fun things with his dad and his dad does not have to deal with anything difficult. DH has always held the position that the BM needs to learn to deal with it (which is true to an extent) and that DH shouldn't have to discipline SS for things he did "in the past" which could be several days ago or the day before.
My concern is that SS is learning that he can do whatever he likes with his mother and that he needs to know that if you do something wrong, the consequences can still come back to bite you even if you think you got away with it at the time. IMO there should be some continuity and the parents have to work together on the problem.
DH does not agree because he thinks this would mean his weekends with SS7 would not be fun and easy. He speaks to SS7 every day by phone and discusses SS7's behaviour with BM if he has been naughty, but all he does is say things like "you won't be getting that new bike for Christmas if you keep upsetting your mother". He has tried talking with his parents (SS7's grandparents) to get them to stop spoiling him but they don't think they are doing anything wrong, and come back with things like "poor little kid, let him enjoy his childhood" etc etc.
The fact that SS7 and his mother live in a small house in the suburbs while we live on a farm with lots of fun things to do doesn't help. It is a 90 minute drive each way between the 2 so DH cannot easily be around during the week to help BM (not that I would want him there!).
Its almost like getting to spend the weekends with us is a reward for bad behaviour during the week, but we can't stop the weekend arrangement (for obvious reasons).
What can or should DH do to help the situation?
This is bm's problem and the
This is bm's problem and the kid has obviously worked out at a very young age that he can get away with murder at her house because she allows him to but knows it's not acceptable at your house. He will not improve his behaviour for her until she starts parenting him properly. Shouting at him all the time, threatening consequences and not following through, bribing, pleading and giving in to him will enable him to continue being a brat. If the parent constantly shouts and/or threatens consequences which are not followed through the kid stops listening very quickly and doesn't take the threat seriously, and it sounds like that is what's happening here. His grandparents are also making the situation worse by coddling him and turning him into entitled, spoiled brat who has learned to disrespect them already.
My ss's are the same with their bm- they live with us and know that dh means what he says and will always follow through on consequences for bad behaviour, so they know bad behaviour will not be tolerated. BM is useless at discipline and shouts at them all the time, so they've become deaf to her yelling because to them that's her normal way of talking to them so they no longer hear the messages she's trying to convey to them. When dh shouts, they know they're in serious trouble because he rarely raises his voice so they immediately take notice when he does. BM also gives in to demands, whining and tantrums and never follows through on consequences, feeds them crap whenever they want it and lets them do a lot of things they're not allowed to do at home. She can't handle them and wonders why they're little shits at her house when it's her own poor parenting methods which are responsible.
Your dh should not be expected to punish ss for things he does at bm's house because that's her problem to deal with. In my opinion he shouldn't even be talking to ss so much about his bad behaviour for bm, because the kid is obviously not listening to him and might see that as a way of getting daddy's attention. When he has phone contact with ss, he might be better sticking to chatting about ss's day, school friends, what they did/plan to do together at the weekend etc, not keep trying to lecture ss about behaving himself for his mother. If ss is misbehaving during his visits to your home, that's different and should be dealt with by dh firmly and appropriately but whatever he does at bm's is her problem.
Unfortunately you can't control what bm does at her house and unless she takes the parenting advice already given to her and starts dealing with the bratty behaviour, the kid will carry on being a brat for her. A lot of it sounds like attention seeking and I agree with the poster who suggested that not feeding his need for attention is the way to go - she should walk away from him and ignore him when he starts his tantrums. If the kid wants to lock himself in bathroom let him - he'll soon get bored if there's no one there trying to cajole him to come out and if he doesn't, well he'll get hungry/tired/uncomfortable eventually.
thanks to all for the
thanks to all for the responses. According to DH, BM does indeed shout and argue etc with SS7.
We all know how she OUGHT to handle it but getting the message across is a different matter! We have to be careful because if she thinks any parenting advice is coming from me (with no bios of my own - although I am an animal trainer and let me tell ya, its pretty much the same thing - consistency, boundaries, small steps, staying calm etc ) she will do the opposite and says she will shove it down my throat etc etc.
You all know how it is!
I'm just thankful SS7 is good at our house! I just hope that doesn't change as he gets older, as often seems to be the case!
One thing to remember... Most
One thing to remember... Most kids will act out where they are most comfortable. My two were angels at Dad's. Not always at home.
I agree that the BM needs to
I agree that the BM needs to figure out how to control her son when he is with her but perhaps she'd be willing to ask you guys what you do to keep him in line so it would be consistent? My boyfriends son is a monster at his moms but behaves at my boyfriends house but the BM doesn't want to create consistency and she thinks she's doing the right thing when he's with her. Problem is...now he's acting up at school. I agree with you that there are lasting consequences for certain behaviors and if he doesn't learn that soon society will show him and it won't be pretty. My boyfriend and the BM are starting to realize how bad he is now that the school has stepped in! The kid is only 6 and is on a dangerous path! I hope his BM can seek help from a book or councilor or somewhere to help her manage her child!