To punish or not to punish that is the question.

So Friday morning I went into the kids bathroom to help my BD(7) brush the back of her hair (she has a curly patch of hair underneath the top layer just on the back of her head and brush all of the tangles out of it) when I noticed some of my makeup sitting on the counter. I hardly ever use this makeup because it's expensive and I try to only use it when I'm going out for a special occassion.

When I asked the kids how it made it into the bathroom all three of them denied it. The following day I asked DH if he knew how it made it into the bathroom and he had no clue and claimed to have never seen it before. DH called the kids out into the garage and asked them and again all three kids denied it. We had one of his friends and their girlfriend stay the weekend so he suggested that maybe it was her's and she left it. I went back into our bathroom and checked and mine was gone so I wasn't putting much faith into that one but we texted her anyways.

While we were waiting to hear back from her we went through a process of elemination. I keep my makeup in a closet in the bathroom on the third shelf so that I can keep the kids (meaning SD) out of it. This particular piece of makeup was shoved clear to the back behind some stacks of the other makeup that I have. So we can pretty much rule out SS(5) because there is no way that he could climb up those shelves reach his hand back behind all of my other makeup without knocking everything else down, and there's no way that he would have picked everything back up and put back exactly where it goes on the shelf. (Some of you may have 5 year olds that can do that but this one couldn't without making a huge mess.) Another reason we could rule him out is because the makeup is in powder form. If SS had gotten a hold of it there would have been nothing left. It would have been all over the house.

My BD(7) is not interested in makeup and she knows that her little butt would be in a lot of trouble if she took something that wasn't hers, so DH and I ruled her out. DH has never seen it until Saturday and has no need for makeup so we can rule him out and I haven't used it in months so I didn't do it either.

Now at this point both DH and I know that SD(7) did it. This isn't the first time that she has gotten into my makeup, she has stolen from my BD twice and kids at school 3 times, she is the only kid that is intersted in makeup, and is a known liar. The only thing is that she won't admit up to it.

A little while later I get a text from my friend and she says it's not hers, which I already knew. I had been in the bathroom every morning since Monday and it just appreared on the counter on Friday.

At this point I'm p!ssed. I know SD took it and is flat out lying to DH and I about it. I went to DH and told him that something needs to be done about this, I don't care if she's denying it, we both know that she did it.

DH of course it hesitant about this. He knows that she took it but she's been having such a great week with us over the last three vists and he doesn't want to ruin it by punishing her. (Usually if she gets in trouble once she spirals out of control into her pattern of negative behavior.) This obviously isn't going to fly with me. She not only stole my makeup but she flat out lied to both DH and I about it. So DH told her she lost her treat for the evening as well as she couldn't participate in the sleep over in my BD's room. SD flipped out and began crying immediately trying to argue her way out of the punishment. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't.

SD, while crying, was telling DH, "why would I act this way if I did it", meaning bawling. I couldn't take it so I reminded her of the time that she went to DH bawling about something that she made up about me right after I left the house (so that she could get DH and I to fight). Which of course she starts telling me that I did. I could feel my blood boiling at this point. She's flat out lying and arguing with me telling me I did something that I didn't do. She then started saying, "but I didn't do it," to which my repsonse was, "do you remember when my BD said that you stole her 50 cent piece and you denied it and then DH found it in your piggy bank?" At this point she put her fingers in her ear and started doing the na na na na na thing to block me out.

I get so sick of this kid sometimes. I don't agree with punishing a child when they don't admit up to something but we knew that she did it and if something wasn't done and she got away with denying it then she would deny everything. Sh!t, this kid will deny doing something when I catch her doing it. And this kid has lied about some pretty extreme stuff, like to a police officer and a CPS worker about DH at age 6.

I'm not sure if we handled it appropriately. What would you have done?

Unhappy's blog
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Comments

Have you/your DH tried

Have you/your DH tried sitting down and telling her that telling the truth is important and if she does, she will NOT get into trouble?
Your SD is lying because it's working for her. You need to get her to start telling the truth. If, however, she tells the truth and is immediately punished for it, she won't tell the truth.
You need to start stressing truth telling. You also need to stop assuming she's ALWAYS lying. She very well may be, but you are setting yourself up in a self-fulfilling prophecy this way.
I wouldn't punish her for taking the makeup. You *think* it's her through process of elimination, but you don't know.

No, we know it was her.

No, we know it was her. Nobody else in the house would do it and as far as the lying goes, she's always been like that ever since I've known her. At least now she knows that she can deny it all she wants but if we know that she did it she'll still get in trouble. In fact more trouble then had she just told the truth. That may give her the incentive that she needs to actually tell the truth.

I dunno. Since they are not

I dunno. Since they are not talking, I'd punish ALL the kids, and then let the two who didn't do it beat up on the one who did.

Kind of a frontier justice concept, but in my limited experience, it tends to work.

This won't work. When SD gets

This won't work. When SD gets in trouble she is constantly trying to get the other twoin trouble as well. It's the misery loves company thing. DH and I talked about doing this but unfortunately the other two kids are smaller then her and they couldn't do any damage. Believe me, we thought about other ways to handle the situation.

I would most certainly punish

I would most certainly punish her. I would make a point of punishing her for what she did and lying about it. My SD sneaks and lies too, and I bring the hammer down on her when she starts having attitude and lying (she does this crying thing sobbing why don't you belieeeeeve meeeeee baaaawl booooo hooooo no one luuuuuvs me to beeelieeeeve meeee" then I drag her ass to the evidence and tell her the act isn't working and she stops the acting, says fine, and goes on about her consequences.

I used to argue with her and try to talk to her about telling the truth, but that's what she wanted. Now, I just tell her she is caught and the consequence is xyz. Period, no discussion, no lecture, and most certainly NEVER let her back talk and try to argue that she's innocent. In fact, last time she started that, I doubled her punishment and I no longer SHOW her the PROOF either. Snotty little thing started this thing where she says I'm making it up and to PROVE IT...Yeah..."Show me the proof then". MMmhmm. Told her right quick there is not a Princess in this house and I do not have to prove anything to a child.

God they are so annoying with the sneaking and lying and manipulating!

Try to not let it show that it gets to you, they LIKE that, they get self-satisfaction out of it somehow. Calmly = you did x, consequence is y; lying about it adds z amount of extra consequence, bu-bye. This has worked wonders on my anxiety and blood pressure.

That's my thought process on

That's my thought process on the whole thing too. She took it. We knew she took it. She lied about it. We knew she was lying about it so she got in trouble. This shows her regardless of whether or not she is going to admit up to it to try and get out of trouble she will still get in trouble for it when we know that she did it. It makes lying about it pointless and teaches that you might as well fess up to it because lying is only going to get you into more trouble.