I read the disengagement essay and a lightbulb went off. I started to heal, things began to fall into place.

Then life got worse, DH lost his job, his ex took the kids, and
promptly brought ONE back. The harder I tried to make
the marriage work, the worse things got. So I read EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL by susan forward (got buzzed and googled it). The book and some sage advice from friends has got me on a better track.

I recognize manipulation. I cope better with it. I have
deactivated some HOT buttons that were too easy for my
spouse to push(while pushing me). The concepts in the book are useful for all relationships.

My friends advised that I didn't need a manto be happy, I had to find happiness within myself first.

So...confession time...I've disengaged from my spouse as well. I don't participate in his drama. I go places alone. I am persuing my own interests and forging new and better relationships with friends/family/co-workers. I've gone from a lump of neediness served on a doormat to a phoenix rising from the ashes.

I am happy, he is befuddled and persuing me...while I persue myself. We lead parallel lives at present and for now, that works. I work, cook, clean, throw a meal and vitamins his way onc in a while, and other than that....I am NOT responsible for the drama attached to him.

That freedom is quite intoxicating.