Help- this is all so new to me and it is doing my head in.. how should I proceed?
OK, so I have fallen in love and plan to marry a man who has kids (I have no kids). He is 12 years older than me and has been married twice. He has grown children from Marriage 1 and 2 children (one which is still dependent) from Marriage 2. Ex Wife #1 and children from that marriage live overseas. The eldest from Marrage 2 live with us and we see the youngest every other weekend. My fiancee is wonderful- kind and caring and a good Dad. He ALWAYS puts me first, takes my side with the children and is everything I ever wanted. The problem is me, I can't let go of some issues. His ex is a complete nutter who manipulated him into marriage by threatening to take his children. He never loved her. She is a terrible mother, but her kids love her. I get on well with both children who tell me how great they think I am and how much they like how I make their Dad happy.
The problem is I am so angry at his ex for how she treats him and the kids. I also am dissapointed with my fiance over what she let her get away with in the past (they have been divorced for man years). He stands up to her now, but there are unfortunate situations that exist now, because he gave way to her in the past. I am also jealous that she had the children with him that I never will.
Does anyone have any advice how I can make my peace with this sort of stuff, since I can't change it? As a SD myself I thought I would find being a Step Parent easy, but this ex drives me crazy!!! 
I don't think there is much
I don't think there is much you can do about what she did to him in the past...I think we all hate the ex's for the crap they pulled, however, the real issue is how that affects you today. So I would start with being VERY thankful that his kids like you...that in itself is more than most of us could hope for. The fact that he stands up to them and puts you first is another great thing that not all of us are fortunate enough to have and even those who do, usually it is after many years of coming last.
My best advice is to figure out how what she did and what he agreed to in the past affects you today. If there is anything you can do to make it better, learn the laws, figure it all out and work with you husband to ensure that those decisions don't affect you in the future. If there is nothing you can do, then just know that maybe if she wasn't such a witch, he wouldn't value you as much as he does...and neither would his kids.
It seems like you actually have the makings of a strong relationship, so don't blow it with things that you have no control over. Just focus on the positive and live the best life you can with him now and make sure to protect yourself from anything either of them could do to damage your well being.
Good luck!
Thanks herewegoagain. After I
Thanks herewegoagain. After I wrote my post I read through some other threads- and I am lucky- some people are in far worse situations. My fiancee treats me very well, and always makes the right call (as far as I am concerned) when it comes to me vs the ex or the kids.
I just really struggle with the fact that his ex is such a psycho. She is a lousy mother and does things to the kids and my fiance that make me cringe or want to whack her. I feel she should count herself blessed that she has such fabulous children and such a helpful ex (he loves his kids, sees them whenever he can, and pays his child support on the dot). But I am frustrated at tryiong to raise SS10. When my fiance had custody (for most of SS10's life), he was fantastic, but now that he lives with his BM he is going down the tubes and it is so hard to redress the damage when we only see him every other weekend.
Even if I can let bygones be bygones, how do I deal with having such a toxic woman very much in our "present"? Especially when I resent the fact that she has the children with him that I never will?
I'm in the same type of
I'm in the same type of situation. I've got a great relationship with my husband and two great stepsons (9 and 11) who also recognize that Dad is happier with me around. We are a pretty happy little unit. My husband is also older than me - 16 years. He has a great head on his shoulders and puts me and our relationship first. I think this is a huge factor in having a happy relationship, whether a first, second, or subsequent marriage.
I can get so jealous of their mother, even though I have a better job than her, make more money than her, have less baby daddies than her, am younger than her, and am actually really happy. She has manipulated my husband and continues to. He doesn't want to deal with her (I don't blame him) because she is unreasonable in return. Her other child's father is the same way.
What makes it worse is that she used to live far away...like in another state...but she moved into a house THE NEXT STREET OVER! She also works for the same company I do. Its a big company, but I see her all the time. Having her as a constant reminder is awful. I firmly belive that "out of sight, out of mind" is possible, but she makes it so damn hard to avoid her!
"As a SD myself I thought I
"As a SD myself I thought I would find being a Step Parent easy, but this ex drives me crazy!!!"
That's what I said!! And without therapy ALL the issues you have now are still going to be there years from now but with everyone else's issues "on top" of it. And I mean that literally, everyone else's issues (including ex's) will come before, ahead, on top of stepmom's.
Advice?? RUN!!